Today I read chapters 9-10 of 1 Corinthians. There were several parts of chapter 10 that really stood out to me. The first verse that caught my attention was one that I have previously highlighted and it is 1 Corinthians 10:21 which states, “Ye cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of devils: ye cannot be partakes of the Lord’s table, and of the table of devils.” What this verse means is we have to be careful who we choose to spend our time with, what activities we decide to partake in, and really what we VALUE in this world. Do we value God or do we value man? You can have God or the world, but you can’t have both things.
This reminds me a lot of the Jeremy Camp song, “Give Me Jesus”. I saw Jeremy Camp perform a phenomenal show at Living Waters church in Burlington last weekend and the words really stayed with me in this song in particular. The words of this song are very simple and it works. Perhaps that was Camp’s point even – to strip the song of the bare necessities – Jesus. The chorus simply states, “Give me Jesus. Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus. You can have all this world, Just give me Jesus” (Camp). If you’re a Christian and you are truly saved and truly choose to follow God and to live in Christ, that’s all you need in the world. When we die and go to heaven nothing here on Earth is going to matter; the only thing that matters is our love and belief in Christ.
Here is a lyric video featuring Jeremy Camp’s “Give Me Jesus”. Thanks to iamSB for posting it on YouTube!
Another passage that stood out to me was 1 Corinthians 10: 26 which states, “For the earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof.” God created this earth and everything on it including all of mankind. We need to honor God in all that we do and remember to whom we belong. This ties in with verse 31, “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” As Christians and disciples of God we need to consider our actions and how we live our lives and the things we choose to partake in each day. Are we glorifying and honoring God? Do our actions show us as being God’s people? Can everyone see Christ in us?
1 Corinthians 10 concludes with verse 33 which states, “Even as I please all men in all things, not seeking mine own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.” It is important for us to live Godly lives and to act in a way and to live in a way that is god-pleasing and god-honoring so that people will see Christ in us so that we may reach those who are not saved and to help to bring them to Christ. This doesn’t mean we have to be perfect; we will never be perfect. It just means that we will strive to be the people that God created us to be and that people will see Christ in us and be so inspired by our lives and the way we live in Christ, that they will be compelled to follow Christ, too.
The controlling values of 1 Corinthians 10 might look something like this:
Purpose: We must reject the world to follow God.
Context: Following the world will cause us to sin, commit idolatry, and separate us from God.
The opposing controlling values may look like this:
Purpose: Following the world will give us more opportunities and grant us higher status among society.
Context: Chasing materialistic worldly things can never fully satisfy us; only the love and grace of a savior can fulfill us.
Actually, looking at that again now after letting it sit, perhaps the opposing controlling value may be:
Purpose: If we don’t follow the world, we will be missing out.
Context: Following the world closes the door on God where we will receive better gifts than what the world can give us.
Am I living a Christ-focused life? I want to think yes, but to be honest, this is something I need to work on. Attending a public university and juggling my Master’s courses with teaching and working full time can be a challenge. I am guilty of putting God on the backburner so I can do all of these other things when in reality God should always be my priority. When people look at me and my life, is God the first thing that comes to mind? I’d like to think so, but I can’t help but think they see me as being a student or a social media marketer first and a Christian second. I need to fix this.
These verses really touched me today because 1. I need to get back to reading my Bible on a daily basis and not just immersing myself in his word, but LIVING his word and living for Christ and not the world. Also, 1 Corinthians 10:33 reminds me so much of my mission statement and what I want to accomplish in life; to please God. I am writing a novel not for my own gain and not for my audience’s gain, but for the glory of God. Everything that I do in life is for God’s glory and to honor and serve him and to share his love and his word with others. This is something that is so easy to forget and something I need to be reminded of. When I grow tired and when I question my work and why I am doing this, I remember him. None of this is for me, it’s all for him and I am exactly where God wants me to be doing the things he wants me to do for him.
Hey guys. So today I’ve left off on Day 16 of the 30-Day Writing Challenge. Today’s challenge is to bullet my entire day. Pretty boring, if you ask me. But here we go, here is a bulleted view of a day in the life of Kimberly Erskine.
- Approximately 3am: I wake up from a deep sleep. I check my phone and see I have a few messages. I glance through them. Nothing too alarming. One more hour of sleep, I tell myself.
- 4am: I’m hot and sweaty and don’t feel like getting up. It feels like it’s 1,000 degrees in my room. I check the weather on my phone and try to decide how to dress for the day. I can manage to sleep until 4:30 and still look decent, I tell myself.
- 4:30am: I still don’t want to wake to up. I check the weather on my phone again. I see the humidity will be 85%, so straightening my hair will probably be useless anyway. 15 minutes. That’s it. I need to have enough time to read my bible.
- 4:48am: I didn’t do a good job at keeping with the 15 minutes of extra sleep, but I should still be okay. I finally get out of bed and start getting ready. I realize that I have nothing at all appealing to wear. I don’t feel like getting dressed up. I want to wear jeans and a t-shirt, but that’s too sloppy. Jeans are fine, but I need a shirt. I pick up my blue striped shirt with the ties on the side. I haven’t worn it in years. I remember back to the last time I wanted to wear it for one of my first dates with Larry but my mom told me not to because if I moved around too much, it could be a little too revealing. I try it on. Today it looks fine. I try to move around a bit. It still looks fine. I’m a little self-conscious about my sunburn though. I burned all down my chest and my skin is now peeling. You can see it a little bit with the shirt if I move too much. It’s good enough. I’ll be sitting at my desk all day anyway. I tell myself. Then I move on to my next problem: there’s nothing for breakfast. I usually eat fruit, but there’s none left. I don’t feel like cooking anything and I don’t have time for that. I don’t feel like eating almonds. I open my freezer. Chocolate covered banana popsicles. The breakfast of champions, I think to myself.
- 5:36am: I’m almost done getting ready. I just need to get my darn contacts in my eyes. The one in my right eye pops right in. My left eye has astigmatism and the lens is bigger and doesn’t like to go in all the time. I struggle with it and smear all of my eye makeup in the process. Why didn’t I put my makeup on after I got my contacts in? I ask myself. I finally get the little bugger in my eye and then fix my makeup.
- 5:40am: I’m pretty much done getting ready, so I sit at the table with my bible and my cup of coffee and read through my bible reading plan and daily devotion. Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. I’m on Job and 2 Corinthians. I’ve been enjoying Job lately. It’s new to me and different. 2 Corinthians has always been my favorite book of the bible.
- 5:58am: I finish my bible reading and coffee. I head back in my room and put my jewelry on: cross ring, rose gold crystal watch, and my cochlear implant medical alert bracelet. I look at the clock. 6:am. Time to (attempt) to wake up dad.
- 6:00am: I brush my teeth and use mouthwash. I’m using a new mouthwash today. It’s Colgate. I usually use Listerine. I like the way Colgate take more like mint than alcohol. I welcome the change. After I finish rinsing I make sure my dad is up. He actually is for once.
- 6:15am: I grab my lunch, my book, my purse, and my work keys. I take my dad’s car key off his set of keys and head out to the car. I began my daily prayers in the car as I wait for dad to come out.
- 6:28am: Dad comes out with a cup of coffee in hand and we head out as he drives me to work at Becker’s School Supplies in Pennsauken. I help him with traffic pulling out and then take my cochlears off and finish my prayers. When I’m done, I doze off to sleep a little in the car.
- 7:12am: I arrive at Becker’s. I don’t have to be here until 7:30, but I’m always early. Today I’m actually later than usual. I’m amazed by the full parking lot. Why do people always get here so early?
- 7:18am,I say Hi to my boss, Rob, and Leslie who’s next door. Rob asks me how I made out with my medical testing and I talk to him about my tests. He tells me he’ll catch up with me later. I head back to my desk and finish unpacking. Then I grab a tea bag and head to the kitchen to make tea.
- 7:20am: I open my email and catch up on all of the ones I missed while I was out. I proofread the new born corner post and activity pages that Leslie just wrote and Terri uploaded on the website. I notice an image is incorrect so I confide in Terri and let her know it needs to be updated. She thanks me. I optimize all of the pages for the web.
- 8:58am: I receive an e-mail from Rob asking if he can see me in the next few minutes in the Conference Room. We met and went over my time card, progress I’ve made so far, and future plans.
- 9:10am: Continue optimizing book sets while performing competitor research and answering emails as they come through.
- 10:11am: My office roomie, Wendy, arrives and tells me about her trip to Baltimore for a convention.
- 10:15am – 12:30pm: Optimizations
- 12:30 Finally lunch time! I grab my lunch from my cabinet and eat in the kitchen. As I’m eating, I text my mom about my new job, check my email, talk with my former co-worker who tells me she’s accepted a new position which is actually ironically the one I’m leaving.
- 1:00pm: Lunch is over. Back to work!
- 2:22pm: My lunch wasn’t very satisfying today. I’m starving. Let’s see what I can find in the vending machine…
- 2:25pm: I couldn’t decide between the animal crackers and a candy bar, so I got both. I’m disappointed though because I wanted a Snicker’s but I accidentally hit the button for Peanut Chews instead.
- 2:26pm:Back to work eating my snacks.
- 3:42pm: Dad texts me to tell me he’s on his way. I switch gears and spend the remaining work day looking at articles on LinkedIn to see what’s trending in my industry. I’m surprised to find out that all of Mark’s Zuckerburg’s social media accounts were hacked. He should’ve known better, I think to myself.
- 4:08pm: Dad is here. I clock out, gather my belongings, say goodbye to Leslie and Debbie, and leave the office.
- 4:10pm – 4:423pm: Dad and I head home, except we’re not really going home, we’re headed to Acme like usual Dad is happy because traffic is lighter than usual.
- 4:23pm: I receive a phone call from Penn and immediately panic thinking something is wrong. We’re stuck in traffic on the highway and the car is pretty loud, so I let it go to voicemail.
- 4:24pm: I listen to my voicemail, but I can’t hear it. Dad is playing the radio and my volume isn’t up high enough.
- 4:26pm: I turn the radio off and play it again. I need to get a booster shot because my blood work shows my level of immunity against chicken pox is very low. I have to get it done before Monday. I like the girl’s pleasant tone. They tell me I can come anytime and don’t need an appointment. I discuss options with my dad and we agree Friday should be the best day to go.
- 4:50pm: Dad and I arrive at Acme.We go over all of the things we need and hope we have enough money.It’s been a tight week for money.
- 4:53pm:I’m really excited because salads are buy one get one free. So is most of the fruit, but I only have enough money for the salads.
- 5:13: We’re done with shopping, but Dad left his wallet in the car. He runs out to get it as I stay with the cart. I look at the Christian books and color books as I wait.
- 5:22pm: We’re finally done our store trip ad on our way home.
- 5:37pm: I stop for the mail on the way in. I’m disappointed we didn’t get anything.
- 5:40pm: I get home, put away my things then get changed into my gym clothes.
- 5:45pm: I get a Yasso coffee frozen yogurt popsicle and eat it as I read a lost chapter of Brian Humek’s book, Purple Ducks.
- 6:27pm: I finish reading the chapter and send Brian a Facebook message with my feedback.
- 6:30-7:15: I use this time between looking up directions for Penn including bus and train routes, talking to my dad, working on this blog post, and talking to Glenn, Wayne, and some others on Facebook.
- 7:30pm: I finish getting ready for the gym.
- 7:45pm:Dad and I head out again. He drops me off at the gym and then goes to pick up my mom from work.
- 7:47-8:37pm: I work out at the gym. I spend all of my time on the arc trainer (my favorite piece of equipment) while watching The Goosebumps movie on my phone via Netflix.
- 8:37pm: My parents pick me up from the gym and we head home.
- 8:40pm: I arrive home, put my things away, and get a quick shower. Before I get in,I preheat the oven to 425.
- 8:58pm: I finish my shower, get dressed, and proceed to making biscuits to go with dinner.
- 9:14pm: Biscuits are in the oven. I set the table and make the butter sauce.
- 9:32pm:Biscuits are done. I let them sit in the oven for a few minutes before taking them out and pouring the butter over top.Then I wait for the beef stew to heat up.
- 9:48pm-10:30: My family and I eat dinner. I go crazy over the biscuits. Dad loves them too. Mom is not a fan. We all talk about our day, mainly about me and my situation with Penn, and then discuss our reservation for the Pelican on Thursday. Thursday is my parent’s 30th wedding anniversary.I also finish up this blog.
- 10:31pm: How did it get to be this late? I’m going to be so tired tomorrow! I need to get to bed.
- 10:32pm-10:46pm: I waste a few extra minutes finding an image for my blog post, writing tags and categories out, and promoting it on social media.
- 10:46pm-11:12pm: Still not asleep. Need to mess with my phone. I notice it’s 11:11, so I make a wish before calling it a day.
So…day 13 of the 30 day writing challenge is pretty boring. Today I’m instructed to simply write about my commute to and from work. BORING!
I suppose my commute is unique compared to others since I don’t have a license and therefore don’t drive. My dad therefore plays the role as taxi driver in my life (he has kidney disease and is unable to work so he’s home all the time.)
From Monday – Friday my dad and I head out from condo in Washington Township and head out on our way to where I work…Becker’s School Supplies in Pennsauken, NJ.
I don’t pay much attention on the way there. I’m usually either reading my bible or writing out prayers on my phone, unless I managed to wake up at 4am on the dot and do it all ahead of time. In that case, I’m probably asleep most of the way there, or if I’m feeling extra energetic and well-rested, I’m reading. The commute to work is usually about 45 minutes.
There is a building called Wharton near my work. I’m not sure exactly what that building is, but I always know when I’m about there, and I wake up and look at it. Once I see that sign I begin preparing to go to work. I wake up more, gather my things, put my phone away, and prepare for my work day.
I usually get to work ridiculously early. I don’t have to be there until 7:30, but I’m usually there by 7:10. I tend to work a bit late to (my dad is almost never on time picking me up). I only have to work until 4, but I usually end up working until sometime between 4:15-4:30.
The commute home usually isn’t as easy as the commute to work. Traffic is usually heavier and by then Dad and I are usually really tired. His driving can be a bit more aggressive going home — he doesn’t have much patience for the heavier traffic.
We rarely ever go straight home from work. My dad almost always stops as Acme on the way home first. Acme is the closest grocery store to my home and our preferred one, even if it is a little more expensive than its competitor, Shoprite. We usually just need to pick up a handful of items like coffee and maybe a salad for my lunch at work the next day. Never more than a handful of things.
Sometimes we also stop at Wawa for cigarettes on the way home. I never smoked a cigarette in my life and never plan to start, but both of my parents are heavy smokers.
Then we finally head home. By the time we pull into our complex it’s usually around 6pm. Before heading straight to our parking lot, we stop for the mail on the way in (I’m kind of obsessed with mail). It’s usually just bills and store circulars.
Then we head back in and I’m finally home from work…until the next morning.
So…writing about pineapples was pretty fun yesterday. Today’s topic? Much less than fun, though I’m betting I’ll have a better click through rate (CTR) on it. People apparently don’t care to read that much about my hatred of pineapples (their loss!), but always seem to be interested in relationship drama, or the lack thereof because ‘Merica.
For Day 11 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge I’m supposed to write about my relationship status, or lack thereof.
I’ve been single since October, so it looks like I’ll be discussing why.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 13 months in the middle of October, the night before we were supposed to go away for a weekend to celebrate our 1 year anniversary, something we had planned pretty much since we first got together. Needless to say, that trip never happened.
He probably thinks I broke up with him because he was sick and wasn’t sure if he was going to make it for our anniversary trip. Sure, it didn’t help at all. It was the final straw for me, really. But I’m not that heartless. Of course I didn’t just break up with him because he was sick. There was so so so much more to it than that.
I loved him very much, and the decision to walk away from our relationship was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also something that was very necessary.
I thought he loved me for the longest time. Our relationship meant the world to me. I would have done anything for him, and in many ways, I think I did. A year ago I swore we were going to get married. I thought that by now I’d be engaged, or almost engaged to him. I was so sure he was the one. But well, obviously I was wrong about that.
For awhile, the longer we were together, the closer we were going to get. I was a trucker girlfriend, and for awhile, the distance while very hard, was making us stronger. We, or especially myself, would get so excited to see each other because it happened so infrequently. If we saw each other more than twice a month it was unheard of.
I began to really identify as a trucker girlfriend at this time. That was my main identity and I was proud of it. I knew what I was doing was hard. What girl wants to be with a guy that she never ever gets to see? But I kept told myself it was worth it…I had a great boyfriend and we loved each other very much and it wasn’t always going to be this way.
Some days being a trucker girlfriend were harder than others. I would sometimes cry a lot because I missed him so much and I’d worry about him constantly. Sometimes it just got so lonely. I had a great boyfriend that I loved to death and who was my best friend. I wanted to do and share everything with him, but it oftentimes wasn’t a possibility because he always had to work and go out on the road.
Our relationship was becoming more and more serious. We even spent a week in Disney together! It was such a great time. I got to spend like 18 hours at a time with my best friend who I swore was the love of my life for an entire week. That was practically the equivalent of every day we’ve ever been together since we first started dating. It was so hard to go home and say goodbye to him after that.
I think Disney strengthened our relationship for awhile, but it didn’t last…
I think that some of the ways we viewed each other began to change after that. We began to realize we weren’t as similar as we thought we were, and even if we had a lot in common, our families did not.
Realizing this began to put a real strain on our relationship. Our parents never met, but if they did, I don’t think it would’ve went over well at all. We came from very different backgrounds. But we loved each other and that’s all that mattered, right?
But here’s the thing, when you’re raised a certain way you usually believe that is the “right” way and all other ways are wrong. It’s not intentional, it’s just how it is.
I was raised to value education and to work to have a nice home and a nice car and things like that and to take pride in myself and my things. Vacations weren’t a priority — they never really took place. We all worked, studied, and enjoyed our home instead. We weren’t overly luxurious people by any means, but we had nice, expensive things that we worked hard for. It was more important for us to use money on our home and car and education and things like that than it was to have a cheap home and car and go on vacation.
His family was the opposite of that. They “just wanted to have fun”. They did work hard – but it often seemed like for all of the wrong reasons. They were sometimes obsessed with having money, but they were greedy with it. It was spent on things like vacations — and they weren’t educational or what I’d consider “traveling” – they were amusement parks and always the same ones multiple times throughout the year every year — it seemed kind of unnecessary. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, it just seemed a little weird because I wasn’t raised that way.
I think family had different meanings for both of us too. We were both close to our families but in different ways. Maybe we were in different parts of life. I wanted independence, but I wanted it with him. I was more than willing to be tied down to him. I wanted marriage and kids and a life of my own with my husband. He wanted to go on vacation with his parents and he did all the time. He’d choose that over spending time with me — and he’d choose it all the time. I wouldn’t have done it. I didn’t see him much. If it came between seeing my boyfriend more or going on vacation without him, I’d choose the option of seeing him more even if it meant giving up a family vacation or 2 (or like, 7).
As our relationship progressed, we learned more about each other and I thought more and more about our future and what it would be like to be married and raise a family together. But I stopped hearing the wedding bells. I didn’t see the love filled bliss anymore.
It was horrifying.
I saw a messy “home” in a run down trailer park in the middle of nowhere.
I saw old,broken, run down cars.
I saw my son who never saw his father and was always hurt and missing him.
I saw myself, a stay-at-home mother struggling to make ends meet and trying to explain to my children why daddy was never home.
I saw a garbage bin full of my hopes and dreams.
I began to question if this is what I wanted, and the answer was no.
That was not by any means the future I had imagined for myself or what I wanted. I wanted to go to New York. I wanted to finish my novel and be a bestselling author. I had a possible opportunity in California I wanted to explore. I wanted to go to grad school. I was considering getting my second cochlear implant since the first one was so successful.
I wanted to know that my boyfriend loved me as much as I loved him — something I was beginning to question.
I wanted a husband and a loyal father. I didn’t want to have to worry about daddy being home, where daddy was, what he was doing, whether or not he was safe, and when he’d be home.
I didn’t want to have to think of what to tell my children for why daddy missed yet another baseball game, another holiday, another birthday.
I didn’t want to live in a trailer park in the middle of nowhere.
I wanted a big house with a beautiful garden and nice lawn in a nice neighborhood. I wanted to know my neighbors and for their kids to be friends with my kids.
I didn’t want to be just a trucker wife that let her husband do whatever he wanted why she stayed home and waited for him.
I. WAS. SO. SICK. OF. WAITING.
I spent all of last summer doing nothing more than waiting. Waiting for him to call, waiting for him to text, waiting for him to come home, waiting for him to pick me up. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
And I was putting my life on the backburner. I was putting off my hopes and dreams and keeping myself from being who God destined me to be. I was a trucker girlfriend and that’s all I was. And it seemed like soon, that identity would be ripped away from me, too.
We were falling apart. We could no longer ignore our huge differences and our upbringings and who we were and what we wanted from life. Our future was becoming messy and muddled. The time away was getting to us. We were getting lonely. We were fighting. He was talking to other girls and cheating on me. I was getting mistrustful and paranoid.
I got kicked out of the trucker girlfriend groups. I never really knew why. But that’s when it felt like I really lost it all — because at the time, that’s all I had.
It felt like getting kicked in the face at first. I was already down and now the people who were supposed to be the only ones that could understand me, were kicking me further to the ground. But maybe, that’s exactly what I needed.
I needed to get angry. I needed to break. I needed to say “Screw this lifestyle. I’m not a trucker girlfriend…I’m so much more.”
After that I began to see myself as more than just a trucker girlfriend. I was a person with my own identity and my own hopes and my own dreams. I supported him and his career and his hopes and dreams so much…the least he could do was support mine, right?
I was unhappy at work. I needed a new job. But there was one thing I had going for me — awesome health insurance. I needed to take advantage of that and get my second cochlear implant while I could. I never understood why, but he was less than supportive. He was very pessimistic. He didn’t think insurance would cover it. He was so supportive with my first surgery, it was weird that he was the opposite with the second. But I was only just considering it — I didn’t know if I’d go through with it yet, so I tried to ignore it.
I was writing more and more, too. My memoir was about half finished. I intended to finish it during National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and I was very serious about it. But that wasn’t enough. I wanted to get it published and I knew the perfect way to go about it — to go back to school and get my MA in Writing at Rowan. He didn’t support that either. He thought it was too expensive and I was already so far in debt. He wanted to help me. He would help me financially, I just had to wait for him to build up his career. I dismissed this, too, and tried to ignore it. He has a point, he was right. He said he’d help me. But I didn’t realize how I didn’t need his help at all. His money and his opinion didn’t matter at all.
Then there was California — which I couldn’t really ignore. I had a HUGE amazing opportunity that was about to come to light — but it would be in California. It was exciting, but also terrifying. It was all the way across the country. But it was the perfect opportunity for me. He drove and was on the road and never home anyway, so surely this wouldn’t mater that much, right? We’d just do a long distance relationship until we got married which would only be a little harder than what we were doing. But he didn’t see it that way. He wanted me to do what would make me happy whether it be California or staying with him. But I couldn’t have both. One or the other.
I’m sorry, but if he loved me, he wouldn’t have made me choose. He’d want to do anything to keep me, even if it meant moving to California (or at the very least, allowing me to go there) to be with me.This was a huge game changer and eye opener for me in my relationship.
I would’ve done it for him without thinking. I waited for him all the time. I compromised. I gave up so much of me and my life for him, but he wouldn’t for me. And it wasn’t all work, either. Sometimes I couldn’t see him because he chose his family over me. He’d rather go on vacation with them then see me. And I knew it and accepted it, as much as it hurt.
And I mentioned that to him then, too. You love your family more than you love me. I said. He admitted it. He said yes.
And it crushed me. Family is important — but I wanted to be more so. We’ve been dating for a year at that point. I wanted to BE his family. I wanted to be his wife, but I was realizing, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.
I thought about everything. My hopes, my dreams, my love. I prayed a lot. I cried a lot. I went on a lot of walks to parks and random areas to sit and cry. At times I wanted to die. Other times, I felt like I was already dead. I had choices to make and it was terrifying. Where did I go? Did I take risks and try to follow my overly ambitious dreams? Did I give up my boyfriend — who might have been the love of my life and “the one” to do it? Or did I marry him and keep my mouth shut and settle down with a life that’s a bit less than what I hoped it would be?
It wasn’t an easy decision to make and it wasn’t something that was made over night. But after I read Thrive by Mark Hall from Casting Crowns, I knew my answer.
I have been surviving. Barely. More like struggling. Breathing through a clogged straw. Settling.
God didn’t make me to suffer. He didn’t make me to suffocate. He didn’t make me to settle. This is NOT how he wanted me to live my life.
I was made to THRIVE.
God didn’t want me to throw away my dreams for some boy. If he was really “the one” he would’ve supported me and my dreams and brought out the best of me. He wouldn’t have made me choose.
God wanted me to follow my dreams.
I gave him one chance. One more chance to prove he loved me that he could support me that this could work and that maybe he was the one. One more chance.
He blew it. We never went on our anniversary trip. Instead, we had a huge argument on the phone. I hung up. He never called back. I never bothered to apologize or forgive him for hurting me. It was the end of an era.
On that night, I decided I wasn’t going to be a trucker girlfriend anymore.
I was so much more than that.
I choose my dreams.
I have now been single for about 7 months. It’s not always easy. Sometimes I still really miss him. I still get mad that he never called me back. I still wonder what could have been. But I know this: my life got so much better when I stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t (a trucker girlfriend) and chased after my dreams and became the best possible version of myself.
I’m working a wonderful job now where I’m much happier. It’s not in California, but it doesn’t need to be. In the Fall, I will not only be a graduate student at Rowan, but I’ll be a college professor teaching first year writing, too! The first draft of my novel is complete and the second draft is about 90% complete. I’ll be focusing on this and trying to get it published through my career as a graduate student. I’ve gotten right with Christ and have even recently been baptized.
I’m not a trucker wife.
I’m a dreamer.
I’m a doer…doing BIG things.
And this is just the beginning.
I’m not opposed to the idea of being in a relationship. I could meet the right guy and end up in a relationship tomorrow (not likely, but you never know). If the right guy comes along I’d be more than happy to go out on a date and take it from there. But I’m really content with being single right now.
I know one thing, too. I will never put myself, my hopes, my dreams, and/or the person that I am on hold for a man. Never again.
Relationships are a two way street. Not one person supporting, loving, and doing everything for the other. For now on, I will always choose my dreams. And, the right person will be part of that dream. They will be for me and my dreams, not someone that will make me choose. Because when it comes down to “love” or my dreams, my dreams will win every time.
Okay so my mom’s been a bit frustrated with me this holiday season. I have a decent full time job and if I want something I buy it. This makes it difficult for her to buy me things for Christmas…I keep buying everything on my own. She also thinks some of the gift ideas I give her or lame or stupid. She keeps saying “You never tell me what you want!”. Since I’m a smart ass I decided to post a blog post with a guide for what she can buy me for Christmas. haha.
1. Bath and Body stuff from Bath and Body Works – Okay, it doesn’t have to be bath and body works, but they’re the best. I like to buy huge orders of the stuff and I always have coupons. The signature stuff is the best deal you can buy 3 get 3 free. That’s what I always get. I have more coupons too. Ask me for them…I’ll act surprised lol. I like these in bubble bath or shower gel. Here’s the ones I’d buy for myself but I’m very flexible with this…
2. Calendars. I don’t think you can buy me too many of them. Don’t buy me the large desk ones though as it will be too big for my desk. I like the tear off ones and I could use one of those ones that you hang up for at home. I don’t really care what’s on it as long as it’s not totally lame.
3. Large post its. I use them all the time at work but they keep shrinking…
4. Something I can use to hang things up with in my cubicle. I want to hang papers onto my cubicle. I found pushpins in the office but they don’t stick through the cubicle walls very well. I’m not sure what other people do…
5. A cord to plug in my deaf ILY lamp when it comes. They told me you can buy it at like Home Depot or Lowes or something.
6. Books. I can never have too many. Here’s the ones I am most interested in:
(Really anything by Sarah Addison Allen except for Garden Spells, The Girl Who Chased The Moon, or Sugar Fairy…I have those).
(Or really any Cecelia Ahern book except for P.S. I Love You, Love, Rosie, The Gift, If You Could See Me Now, There’s No Place Like Here, and Thanks For The Memories).
7. Something fun to do. Tickets to something different, gift cards for the tea place, etc.
8. The Betty Crocker Cake Pan I Was Supposed to Get When I Was Like 16 – I believe you owe me this from past Christmases…Amazon has it.
9. Clothes I could especially use sweaters or a new white long sleeved shirt since mine is not really white anymore. I also really like this TWLOHA shirt:
7. My rings resized. I miss wearing those.
8. More charms for my bracelet. I’d really love a 7th infantry one if you could ever find it and a hashtag (number symbol). I’s like a panda as well.
8. New slippers. I really like the ones that look like uggs.
9. Pretty much anything Big Bang Theory related except for the dvds since I have them all. Sheldon and Amy are my favorite characters.
10. Frames for my diplomas.
11. Surprise me!
That’s about all I can think of. I like quirky, unique things and I like surprises. Get creative, but not too weird. I.E.-Don’t let Daddy buy me another walking cane this year lol!