Writer, Christian, SEO/Social Media Marketer, Book Reviewer, Deaf and Loud.

Tag Archives: long-distance relationships

time-to-be-selfish

Image Credits: Whisper App

So… I’ve had a rather interesting week.

Casey tried to connect with me on LinkedIn on Wednesday.

Casey as in THE Casey. The one who I met on my 23rd birthday and fell hopelessly in love with. The one I had a crazy long distance relationship with. The one I loved with every ounce of my being.

The one that was here one day and gone the next.

The one that thought deleting me from social media and not answering my texts but then sending me a few sentences in an email on “why he did what he did” a few months later was an acceptable way to break up with me.

The one that broke up with me for no apparent reason.

The one that made me want to set myself on fire and watch my skin turn to ash as a way to relieve the pain I was feeling.

The one that made me not only lose my mind, but my whole self.

The one that broke me.

The one who wanted to get back together a few months later because they realized they made a horrible mistake.

The one I forgave.

The one that scared me.

The one I trusted.

The one my soul hungered for.

The one I was addicted to.

The one I swore was a gift from God to share my forever with.

The one who cheated.

The one who got engaged.

The one who got married.

The one with no explanations.

The one with no apologies.

The one I cried over.

The one that suffocated me.

The one I would have gladly died for.

The one that made a mistake.

The one that got away.

The one that ruined my life.

The one that’s still married.

The one that just won’t go away.
Yes, that Casey.

My first instinct was to almost laugh at it. I couldn’t believe how pathetic the whole thing was. The ex from hell whom I refuse to talk to trying to add me on LinkedIn because he probably thinks that’s his best chance at staying connected with me. It’s barely a step above MySpace.

I let it sit in my inbox for a couple of days. I wanted him to know how it felt to wait. How it feels to not know. How it feels to try your hardest to reach someone who couldn’t care less about you.

I debated on whether or not I should accept it. I couldn’t bare the idea of going down this path and ending up crushed again. But a part of me wanted to be able to flaunt and dangle my successful career in front of his face to show him just to show him all that I can and did do without him; to show him just how much I really don’t need him.

The last time I talked to him was in October after ignoring a series of Facebook messages from him (we are not Friends on Facebook; he sent messages to my Facebook page). He told me he was miserable and that his wife didn’t appreciate him (there’s a feeling he’s taught me quite a lot about…). He called me the one that got away and said he had no one to blame but himself (no…You don’t say?). After I ignored 5 or more he finally made the mistake of saying, “I wish you would talk to me. I miss you.”

But I didn’t want to hear it.

In the past I may have been different. More trusting. More forgiving. More understanding. Excited to hear from him. Excited at the possibility of getting back together.

In the past I would’ve had hope.

Because I loved you.

I can forgive many things but I can’t forgive you for marrying her. Especially not when you’re still married.

I told Casey off when I received that message in October. It was like every wound on my heart had been reopened and this time instead of having a heart of love, I had a heart of pain ready to attack before it even stood the change of taking on any additional pain.

This is what I said with his response at the bottom:

ss message from casey

 

I thought that settled it. I never imagined this would still be going on now, another 2 months after sending that message and just a few days after he “celebrated” his 2 year wedding anniversary with his wife. Actually, thinking of it that way makes me sick. For someone that claims so much to be a “disciple of Jesus” you sure haven’t mastered the whole “Love thy wife” part…

I accepted Casey’s LinkedIn request a few days after he sent it. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s a part of me that wanted to show him just how much I didn’t need him. Maybe I had hope still for him for some reason. Maybe I wanted something to happen. I don’t know.

But when Casey followed me on Twitter the day after, I know how I felt: scared.

Scared that this was all going to start over again. Scared that a marriage was ending and I’d be to blame. Scared that I was going to ruin the life I’ve gotten comfortable living – alone. Scared that this time would somehow be the worst than the last two times.

I thought about everything very deeply. For a few days, I couldn’t sleep. On the one hand, it was the same old, same old and I’d be a fool to go back to it. On the other hand, what if this was the one time things were going to be different and I was giving up on the one I was meant to be with?

I thought about it over and over and over and talked with some friends. And this is what I learned:

He didn’t love me.

He didn’t love me before we started dating, after we started dating, after we met, before we met, when we met, or now.

I loved him more than anything.

But he didn’t love me, nor will he ever.

No matter what you do for someone, regardless of how much you love them, you can’t make them love you. It doesn’t work like that.

And it’s not worth my time or energy any more and things aren’t how they were when I was 22. One of us is married. The other one is in a deeply committed relationship with work and school and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone stand in the way of reaching my goals.

When I was 22 I had the whole world in front of me. I worked as a crummy cashier at the local Walmart begging for an escape. I thought you were that escape. There was nothing in the world more thrilling and exciting than being a 22 year old new college grad with a 32 year old long distance boyfriend. When I graduated I was so excited about the possibilities and what the future held not just for me, but for you, too; for us. I thought we’d take over the world – travel together, open a business, be our own boss. Be entrepreneurs and both business and life partners.

But it’s not what you wanted, obviously.

You were selfish back then.

Now, it’s my turn to be selfish.

I want to earn my MA.

I want to work 2 or more jobs at a time.

I want to dedicate more time to my church.

I want to study hard and harder and earn a Ph.D..

I want to teach.

i want to write and publish a book.

I want to move to Philly.

I want to move to Cincinatti.

I want to big time editor for some fancy NYC magazine.

I want to move to California.

I want to work 80 hours a week because I can.

I don’t want anyone to tell me who to be or what to do.

I don’t want to waste my time on you (I’ve wasted too much time already).

I want to be selfish like you.

I feel no guilt.

I feel no shame.

No sorrow.

No regrets.

No sympathy for you.

We’re not meant to be together.

You’re not my lover.

You’re not my friend.

You are most certainly not “the one”.

And you don’t love me.

Not then.

Not now.

Not ever.

Because you don’t leave the people you love.

You don’t destroy the people you love.

And it took me awhile,

But I don’t love you like I did yesterday.

And I’m tired.

And I’m sick.

Of you.

And all the hell you put me through.

And I’m done.

I’m so, so, so, done.

And so, so, so ready to go on being a little selfish and to live this life without you.

And here is what I want from you:

Please. Please. Please.

LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I have nothing more to say to you that hasn’t already been said.

This has burnt up in flames many times over.

It’s time to leave the the ashes along so the dust can settle

And this can finally, finally, maybe die and be over with.


stop

Image Credits: Paul Downey Serving Seniors

Hey guys! So I’ve been procrastinating doing day 9 of the 30-Day Writing Challenge. I did have a little bit (not much) of free time. I’m starting to get more used to this new work schedule — I’m wide awake by 4 and I crash before 10 like an old lady now (even on weekends!). However, I’m not loving the theme for day 9, so I’ve been dreading writing about.

The theme? Write about your feelings on ageism.

Now this sounds like a really easy topic to write on at first. AGEISM SUCKS, DUH! However, when you really critically think about it and sit down to write about, you realize it’s not as easy as you think.

As much as I hate to admit it, I am guilty of committing acts of ageism.

And more than likely, so are you.

I actually looked up the definition of ageism on Dictionary.com. The first definition I totally agree with and is pretty straight forward:

Discrimination against persons of a certain age group.

The second definition, however, I’m not so sure of:

tendency to regard older persons as debilitated, unworthy of attention, or unsuitable for employment.

I agree that is PART of the definition — but what about ALL AGES? Honestly, I think I see ageism is younger people more than older people these days.

Ageism is a huge problem in the work force, especially for the younger generations…the “millennials”. If I see another article on how lazy and unmotivated and undisciplined millennials are, I might scream. Based on my age I fall into the category of being a “millennial”. So basically all of these articles are telling me I’m lazy and unmotivated. Yes because going into work at 7:10 or 7:15 every day when I don’t have to be there until 7:30 (and I live over 45 minutes away…) and leaving around 4:30 (when I can leave at 4) makes me lazy and unmotivated. Oh, and I just got accepted into grad school which I’ll be attending as I continue to work full time. Not to mention all of the other things I plan on doing…so by saying “all millennials are lazy, terrible workers”, these people who are writing these articles, or even thinking these thoughts, are committing ageism.

And yes, older people face it in the workplace, too. This is especially true for certain positions. How old is the average social media manager? They are the millennials! Many people think it looks weird or is wrong to hire someone over the age of 30 to manage social media, because it is a “kid” thing or a “millennial” thing. Older people won’t understand how it works. If you agree with this way of thinking, you too, are guilty of committing ageism.

Ageism exists in the way we view and judge relationships, too. I only want to date people older than me. I think they are the only ones I can relate to. Younger men are too immature and not on my level. This is ageism. Have I met and dated every younger man in the world? No, I have not.

I have, however, dated two different men on separate occasions that were more than a decade older than me. One of them broke my heart, but was the first (and maybe only) man I ever truly, whole-heartedly loved. The other was a good relationship. Nothing “wrong” really happened, we just lacked chemistry.But people judged me so much on these relationships. These relationships were perfectly legal — I was 22 and 23 and they were 32 and 34. This is what I wanted. This feeling was mutual at the time. There were times before we broke up that we were happy. Yet people didn’t think we belonged together because of our age gap. Who were they to judge us or to tell us what was or wasn’t right. If we were happy, isn’t that all that really mattered?

But even though I know how bad it felt to be judged based on my age and the age difference in my relationships when despite the difference, I was happy, I still am guilty of judging people and participating in ageism for the same exact thing!

One of my ex’s that I just described is actually dating a girl who is significantly younger than I am right now. Actually, it’s more than just dating. They are engaged. More than that, they are expecting their first child together. She just turned 18. He just turned 36. When I first found out they were dating, one of my first thoughts weren’t “aw I’m happy for them” (even though they are both my friends). It was What the heck? Is that even legal? (For the record, it was. The age of consent is 16…she was 17 when they started dating).

And I was surprised when I found out they were expecting a baby, naturally. She’s so young and he’s so much older than her. He was so much older than me and she is like what, 7 years younger than me? And I felt sad for her because I felt like she was being robbed of part of her life that he’s already gone and experienced.

And then when I went to write this post and really evaluate my feelings on ageism…I reconsidered my thoughts. It’s not my business. This couple is facing so much crap now because of their situation and their age gap. And it’s messed up. Yes, their is a big age gap. Yes, it’s considered “taboo”. Yes, she’s going to be a teen mom and this wasn’t planned and I know she’s probably terrified.

But do you know what else I know? I, and everyone else, has no right to judge them. I know they are happy. They love each other. I can see it in a way that others cannot because I dated him first. He broke up with me because he didn’t love me and knew he never would. He sees her in ways that he could never see me and I see it in the way he talks to her, about her, all he does for her. It is obvious. And although I never met her in person and don’t know her as well, I believe she feels the same way about him, too. I mean, she moved like a thousand miles (or several hundred at least) when she was only 17 to live with him, before ever even meeting him in real life. It is insane, but it reminds me of what I would’ve done back when I was with Casey, so in that sense, I understand exactly what she’s doing. The difference is, her fiance really loves her. At the time with Casey, he didn’t love me like I loved him.

They love each other. They’re happy. They want to be together. Nobody has any right to take that away from them and any negative thought anyone has about them being together, is, or may be, an act of ageism.

Ageism is a horrible thing and something that we as individuals need to stop doing so much. However, as I hope I have demonstrated, it’s not always that easy. Ageism is one of the easiest acts of prejudice a person can commit, because it comes so naturally and we often times don’t even realize that our thought and actions can  be labeled as ageism.

Instead of casting judgements on people because of how old they are, let’s instead judge them based on their character. Character is what defines us. Our age? That’s just a number.


cf9ac92afc3ffc116c04e71666b2f937

Image Credits: Pinterest

Yesterday I wrote part 1 of day 3 of the 30-day writing challenge about my awkward first kiss experience and the painful experiences that stemmed from that. Today I will finish the writing prompt with part 2 about my first love, who just so happened to be a con artist out for more than just my heart.

My first love obviously wasn’t my first boyfriend or my first crush even and as I stated yesterday, definitely not my first kiss. But those who really know me will not at all be surprised when I tell you the name.

It was the one and only, Casey Fraites.

I’ve written about Casey one hundred thousand times over in the past. I explained about how much it hurt when he left me and I explained why, despite the fact that he hurt me, I still loved him.  I also detailed my frustrations with him and how I was “done trying” (which we all know was an outright lie.)

I met Casey online in 2011. At the time I was finishing up my last year of college as a dual English/Writing Arts major, working full time, and interning for a few companies like Bit Rebels in hopes of building up my writing portfolio and landing a decent job post-college. I wasn’t a fan of online dating at the time. I just got out of a terrible, abusive relationship with someone I met online and I thought that online dating was for the desperate/weak and I thought it was “fake”, mainly because that’s everything that my relationship with Alec has been previously.

But with Casey, it was all different. I didn’t meet him through online dating. I met him through my writing — my greatest joy, love, and passion in life. And I didn’t throw myself at him or he at me. Nothing was rushed or forced at all. We never had any intentions of having things work out like this…or at least, that was never my initial intention…

When I first “met” Casey I didn’t really see him as anything more than a fan. I was starting to write more and more for Bit Rebels at that time and I had a few articles go viral. I was definitely beginning to succeed in “getting my name out there”. A few of my fans followed me on social media. I didn’t really think anything of it.

But Casey was the only “fan”that really talked to me and seemed to really pay attention to me beyond just my Bit Rebels articles.

It was hardly anything at first, but then we got talking more and more frequently about more and more things. He was becoming a very good friend to me, despite never had met him in person. And I liked him. I liked him a lot. And I was beginning to sense that he liked me too. But I just dismissed it. I was 22 and Casey was 33. I also lived in NJ and Casey lived in Florida. It’s not like anything could ever happen between us…right?

Even though I knew I had feelings for Casey, I didn’t think it made any sense to act on them or that anything would ever come from it, so I did what any other 22 year old would do…I left myself open and available for  anyone else.

In the Fall of 2011, I found my someone else.

I’d rather not say the name of that person because it’s someone who is still a casual friend of mine and that person is engaged and expecting a child with someone else right now. I don’t want to focus on our past and cause any drama or anything. I’ll just say what’e necessary to say here: we dated for a month. We had SO much in common, but when it came to our morals and where we were in life, we clashed. Probably because I was 23 and he was 32. He lived and experienced so much in life and I was just a kid. So we broke up.

Breaking up with he who shall not be named was the best decision we could have made, but the timing was awful. We broke up less than a week before Thanksgiving and it seemed to have come from nowhere. I wasn’t really expecting it. While I’m fine with it now and we’re sort of friends, I was pretty pissed about the breakup when it first happened. Who dumps their girlfriend unexpectedly right before the holidays? (Okay, lots of people do, sadly, but it doesn’t make it any less awful…)

Casey came to my rescue right after I broke up with he-who-should-not-be-named.He backed off a bit when we were dating. I think he was jealous and a bit hurt by my actions, but he’d never come right out and say that. How could he? I mean, he lived in Florida and I lived in NJ and I was single and free to date whoever I wanted, right? Age was no longer an issue…he-who-should-not-be-named was about the same age.

I missed Casey when I dated he-who-should-not-be-named. Casey and I were beginning to talk on a nightly basis and were growing really close. It was never like that in my relationship with he-who-should-not-be-named. I wished he was Casey the whole time, if I’m being honest with myself.

I remember a few days after announcing my breakup, I admitted to someone, I’m fine. It sucks and I wish it could’ve waited until after the holidays…but he’s not Casey. I want Casey. God, why does he have to live 1,000 miles away?

When you love someone though, distance really doesn’t matter, even if it is 1,000 miles.

With my newly single status, Casey and I were free. Free to feel whatever we wanted. Free to talk whenever, wherever, and however we wanted.

We’d talk throughout the day and every night was like our “alone time”. We talked about everything. I’d vent about my frustrations working as a cashier at Walmart. He’d tell me about the great things he was grilling. We’d talk about the future, all of the places we wanted to go, things we wanted to see. I’d talk about my writing and he’d talk about his film. We had one big thing in common – we both loved social media and SEO. We both wanted to work in the field.

Casey seemed perfect to me. He was everything I ever wanted in a man, and I was suddenly falling in love with him.

I was going through some hard times in my life, too, and Casey was always there to listen. He was always there to make it better. Often times, he seemed like the only one that could make it better.

By March of 2012 I knew I was madly, wildly, and passionately in love with him.

I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but on April Fool’s Day – April 1, 2012, we made it official. He was my boyfriend. And I told him I loved him. He said he couldn’t say it back but I didn’t care. He just was too scared. He didn’t want to hurt me. But I knew how I felt. I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and soul and every fiber of my being. I loved him more than anything in the world. I didn’t have to know him IRL to know how I felt.

We started dating on April Fool’s Day. It was the perfect metaphor for our entire relationship. The joke really was on me. Now I think I will forever hate April Fool’s Day. Casey ruined it for me.

Casey loved to travel and would do it often. I was beyond thrilled when I found out he planned to travel to NJ to see me. He managed to book a flight and a hotel for my birthday week…the week of May 8, 2012. His first day in NJ would actually be on my birthday.

My parents were a bit less than thrilled by the news. My friends were excited for me though. They knew it was completely insane, but they also knew how serious I was about Casey and that I really did love him. Some of my friends even though it was oddly romantic – like the crazy kind of love story you’d only find in a Shakespeare play. They rooted for us from a distance.

There were a few complication with Casey’s travel plans. Everything with his rental car kind of fell through, so he didn’t have a car the entire time. I didn’t have a license or drive either, so we relied on my parents to drive us around. We were kind of limited on where we could go for those reasons. Casey also booked a hotel in Cherry Hill…a little far from my house and in a high-traffic area, to make things worst.

Despite some changes in plans and unexpected, unfortunate events, my birthday still ended up being okay. I met Casey for the first time and he was everything I thought he would be — exactly as he said he’d be online. I’ll admit I was a little disappointed that he didn’t buy me a gift or flowers or even a card for my birthday, but I tried to dismiss it and just tell myself that him being there for a few days was my gift — the hotel, flight, etc. had to be expensive, and I didn’t pay him anything at all for it.

Casey spent three days with me in NJ. They were simple, but at the time, they were the best three days of my life. On the first day we went to the mall and then my favorite diner. We spent most of the time just talking and I remember we sang and danced to “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys when it came on the radio. My parents didn’t like Casey. When we went out to dinner, a war almost broke out between my dad and Casey. He said something stupid my dad didn’t like. I never knew what it was. I didn’t have my cochlears and couldn’t hear well at the time, but I could see the look on my parents face and knew it wasn’t good. At all. My mom gritted her teeth and told my dad to shut up because it was my birthday and she didn’t want him to ruin it and she also knew how much Casey meant to me.

For the rest of the time, my dad tolerated Casey, but he never liked him. He’d drive us back and forth for our “dates”, but he was never particularly happy about it especially since it meant getting stuck in heavy Cherry Hill traffic and Casey always managed to be late. How someone could be late without a car living in just a hotel for three days is beyond me…but considering the type of person I later discovered him to be…maybe it’s not so strange after all…

On the second day Casey and I went to a book signing for some of my professor’s at Rowan and listened to them speak. Casey was fascinated by Rowan. It was a University, which I get the impression he never went to before…he’s only been to like trade schools, community colleges, etc. He bought me a Florida state shirt, too. It was like we were exchanging pieces of each other. I didn’t even care that it was baby pink, a color I’m not usually particularly found of. I liked it because it was like a piece of him, and wearing it would make me feel like he was with  me, even when he was more than 1,000 miles away.

On our last night we went to the movies and then had Applebees for dinner. He held me so tightly when we said goodbye and promised he’d be back for his birthday which was less than 2 months away.He kissed me on the cheek. It was the most action I’ve gotten from him. I tried to kiss him prior, but he wouldn’t let me. Sometimes we’d hold hands, but even that was ehhh. He didn’t want me to touch him much, which was kind of weird because I was technically his girlfriend and he lived 1,000 miles away…it wasn’t like I was going to see him again anytime soon…

Casey said he had a great time with me. He told his mom (he still lived at home) all about me. He thanked me for being a great host (which was kind of weird because I mean I thought I was more than that…I was supposed to be his girlfriend, right?)

When he went back home though, things with us started to drastically change.

He started interning for a digital marketing company and he went back to school, or so he claimed. He suddenly wasn’t available for me anymore.

Our conversations got less and less frequent.

Then they stopped altogether.

The next thing I knew, Casey was gone.

I was deleted from Facebook. Unfollowed on Twitter and Instagram.

He wouldn’t answer my texts.

I had a nervous breakdown. I went insane.

He never told me he was breaking up with me. He never gave me any explanation at all.

I found out he was fired from his internship. I tried to reach out to his friends, but they didn’t know what was going on, either. Some of my friends said he sounded like he might be suicidal, which scared me to death.

I blew up his phone. I tried to reach out to him on social media. I blogged. I emailed him.

I was so confused. I was so hurt. I was so lost. I was angry.

My anger prevailed the most at first. I would scream at him through caps lock about how screwed up his actions were and how he knew it was wrong and how I deserved an explanation. Then I’d apologize profusely for getting so angry. I just wanted to know what I did wrong to make him leave like that.

A few weeks later, he emailed me. It was a very short email. It basically said, “I’m sorry but this isn’t working. I’m busy and this distance thing sucks.”

I begged him not to leave me. I told him I could handle the distance, we could work it out. But it was useless.

I went completely insane.

I destroyed everything. The shirt he brought me? Shredded it. Destroyed the toy he bought my cat. Ripped up and destroyed all of the pictures. When I was done I layed in the middle of my bedroom floor with all of the destroyed things around me and cried. Hyperventilated. I felt like I was dying. I wanted to die. I imagined death to be a pleasure compared to the pain I was feeling.

I didn’t have any more physical products to destroy, so I spent the next few months destroying myself. I was horribly depressed. I just wanted to die. I was living for Casey. Without Casey in my life, how was life possibly worth living? I was so sure he was the one for me. God put him in my life so randomly, I believed it had to be a reason. He was meant to be my husband. I saw it…but why couldn’t he? He was making a huge mistake.

I tried so hard to get over him. I did so many things I am not proud of. And it never worked. Because there was only one Casey Fraites. But he was gone. I lost him and I had no idea why or how I lost him. I had no idea where I went wrong. But I spent every waking moment of my life over analyzing everything I ever said to him, trying to find out. I never came up with anything.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t give up on him or give up on us. Every couple of months, I’d try again to send him another e-mail or Facebook message or Tweet, hoping to get a response. But I never did.

That is, until December 31, 2012. Just a few short hours before the new year.

Suddenly, I got an email. Apologizing for everything. Wanting to be friends again. Begging for my forgiveness.

You should never start a new relationship on April Fool’s Day. That was my first mistake with Casey. You should also never take an ex back or forgive one or talk to one for the first time in over 7 months on New Year’s Eve. That was my second mistake.

Everyone tried to warn me that I was making a huge mistake. My mom was furious with me. “THE MAN DESTROYED YOU. IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT IN 2013? IS THIS REALLY HOW YOU WANT TO START A NEW YEAR — MAKING LAST YEAR’S MISTAKES? YOU WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR AN EXPLANATION FOR THE LAST 7 MONTHS, NOW IT’S NEW YEARS EVE AND HE’S PROBABLY BEEN DRINKING AND HE WANTS TO APOLOGIZE? SCREW THAT.”

But I didn’t listen. I never do. The heart wants what it wants, and at that moment, my heart wanted Casey.

I told him it would take time, but I’d do my best to forgive him. I knew I still loved him with all of my heart and soul, but I was still so hurt from before and terrified of getting hurt again.

We’d talk. We followed each other on Twitter and Instagram again. It took me awhile to be ready for Facebook. We didn’t talk nearly as much as we did before. I was scared.

I felt like he was playing games with me and screwing with my help. He was horribly manipulative. One day I thought he loved me and that we were getting back together. The next day I thought he couldn’t care less about me and I was ready to permantly swear him off.

I went off on him and told him I was totally done. I couldn’t stand the confusion and the mind games anymore.

In less than 24 hours, I wrote him a heart-felt apology and begged him to take me back. He did. And promised to make more of an effort.

Actually, he took it a step further. He made travel plans. He was going to come to NJ to see me during spring break in April. I was totally on board with it, but I knew better than to tell anyone. NO ONE would support this, especially not after what he did to me the last time.

But then the plans changed. Casey didn’t have quite enough money to get to NJ. He’d meet me a little more than halfway – he’d come to D.C..

I never been to D.C. before. It wasn’t the closest place in the world for me, but compared to Florida, it was. I could get there by train. I could do it. No one would support it…so it would have to be a secret. I planned it all out. I had a friend volunteer to get me to the train station and help me to meet Casey there. I wrote a note for my parents to leave on my desk explaining where I’d be, for how long, and why I was doing it. “I know you don’t understand…but I love him and I have to do this. He’s the one. I know it. One day this will all make sense.” I wrote in my letter.

The trip never ended up happening. Casey told me his grandmom was sick and he had to stay home to take care of things and help his mom. But I didn’t buy it. I was so mad. I was so hurt. And I was so tired of hurting. I knew it was time to permantly write him off. But it wasn’t easy.

My mom did find the note. She wasn’t pleased.

She said she never ever would have allowed it. She knew more about Casey than I did. He wasn’t the great hero I thought he was.

Casey went bankrupt many, many times in his life. He was the business owner for many different businesses  which always failed. He worked many jobs, but none for ever more than a year (most were for less than 3 months at a time). He also went to many different schools.

Casey was a professional liar.

He was a con artist, and I was his victim.

Casey scammed me.

But he didn’t steal money from me or anything like that.

What he did was far worst.

He pretended to be the man of my dreams.He studied me as I wrote for Bit Rebels and he got to know me and what I want in life.

And he became that person for me. He was a phenomenal actor.

But it wasn’t real. None of it was.

I fell in love with the most beautiful lie in the world.

Oh, and Casey’s grandmom wasn’t sick. He actually did something huge in his life the weekend we were supposed to go away in DC.

Casey got engaged. To another random, hopeless girl from Ohio.

She didn’t live all that far from me, compared to the distance between Casey and I. She didn’t even look that much different and her age was closer to mine than his. She was very similar to me.

And I don’t believe he loves her, even though they’ve now been married for over a year. I don’t see love in him at all. And I feel so bad for that girl. Because I was her. But she’s even more far gone than I was. And her situation will be much more costly to get out of.

I didn’t necessarily get catfished from Casey. He was physically who he said he was, just not emotionally or personally.

But what happened to me was worst than being catfished. I fell in love with the man of my dreams — someone who was so perfect for me in every way possible…except for the fact that he didn’t exist. He wasn’t real.

But that person exists in my mind and I’m so in love with him. He is the standard in which all else will be compared to.

I have dated since it all went down with Casey and I’ve been in love with someone since him. I had my longest relationship that lasted for over a year with someone else that I loved very much. But I was never really sure if I loved him as much as I loved Casey, if I’m being completely honest. It was definitely close, but with Casey I felt this strange sense of hope that we could conquer the world together. I’m not sure I always felt that with Larry…sometimes I felt a bit of doubt that we could ever be like that.

It’s so frustrating. To have this feeling, to have this person, in my mind and in my heart that I’m in love with…who doesn’t even exist. I am holding out for the person who can make me feel what Casey made me feel…or something even better…when what I felt wasn’t even real. It’s probably not right to compare everyone to Casey…but I can’t help but do it. I can’t even explain it. It’s just how it is with me.

I can only hope and pray that one day, the “REAL” Casey will come around.

It won’t be the first love in my life, but maybe, if I’m lucky, it will be genuine, real, and the last love of my life.


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This is my most recent picture with my boyfriend Larry. We were at a Danny Gokey concert in Vineland.

There’s no secret that I love my boyfriend. I talk about him constantly to anyone who will or won’t listen. If you haven’t heard about my boyfriend by now, you must be living under a rock. He’s pretty great. He makes me really happy and is my best friend. He’s also taught me a lot of important life lessons. Here are 5 of my favorite lessons I learned from my boyfriend.

1. Don’t rush anything. My boyfriend and I never rushed anything with out relationship. I’ll admit that sometimes it took some getting used to on my end. Prior to meeting my boyfriend I had 3 or 4 failed relationships. They never lasted long and everything happened so quick it often felt like a blur. Things were different with my boyfriend. We started talking in May of 2014. We took our time to get to know each other and become friends. We met online and didn’t meet in person or have our first date until September 1st. Things went great and we continued to see each other, but we didn’t make things official until the end of our third date and we didn’t share our first kiss until our 5th or 6th date.

Some people have asked us about our future plans. We definitely see ourselves making a future and being together for a very long time — but at the same time there’s no rush. There’s no need to rush through our lives. We need to take it one step at a time…which leads me to my next life lesson learned through my boyfriend…

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Larry and I at Freightland in Delaware. It was so cold that night.

2. Live in the moment. I can be really bad at this. I focus a lot on my past and bad things that happened and I focus a lot on the present and the future I want to create. I have a really hard time living in the present and enjoying the current moment and taking it for what it is. My boyfriend helps me to stay grounded and focused on the present. When I get too negative thinking  about the past he reminds me we’re in a new year with a new fresh start — the past needs to stay where it belongs — in the past. As for the future? We’ll definitely get there, but there’s no need to rush. We need to take time to enjoy this present moment, too. It only comes once.

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This was our first picture as a official couple, hours after leaving Wheaton Village.

3. Life is too short. I don’t mean to be depressing, but for as long as I can remember I wanted to die very young. The thought of living a day past 50 horrified me. (Mom I apologize ahead of time for bringing this up again. Lord knows you’ve yelled at me hundreds of times for saying this). I was very close with all of my grandparents and watching them grow old and die was heartbreaking and not something I ever wanted to go through or put my loved ones through. Dying young and suddenly seemed to be the solution.

But when I met my boyfriend my views started to change. I began to see that life is actually really short and moves too fast. We need to appreciate every moment and enjoy it all and not rush for death. I’ll never forget my boyfriend and I’s third date (mainly because it’s the day we became official, but that’s another story). We went to Wheaton Village and were walking around and being silly, acting like the two big kids that we are and having a really great time. I told him, “This is what I love about you. You love to have fun. Everyone else says I’m immature when I want to have fun and that I need to grow up.” And he just looked at me and said, “Life is too short. You should have fun.” I never forgot that.

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Larry and I in Smithville right before Christmas.

4.Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I’ll be the first to tell you two things: 1. Absence sucks. 2. Distance sucks. But as much as I hate to admit it, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. My boyfriend and I don’t live very close to each other. He lives in Quinton and I live in Washington Township…it’s around an hour away. Due to our work schedules, we normally only see each other just once a week. Because we can’t see each other as often as we’d like, the time we do spend together becomes more special. We always get so excited when we see each other. If I’m seeing him on Saturday I often struggle to fall asleep on Friday because I get too excited to sleep. I’m like a kid on Christmas.

My boyfriend is a truck driver. Currently, he’s training and has to do 275 hours of driving. It should take about a month and a half. He’s been gone for two weeks and I miss him so much. Sometimes I call him and just cry. It’s very hard and I miss him so much. And I still have several weeks to go before I can see him again. But I know that the next time I see him will be the best time I’ve ever seen him. I’ll hug him a little tighter, kiss him a little harder, and love him even more. I’ve already warned him I’ll probably tackle him when I see him next. Being away from each other for so long will just make us appreciate each other and our time together more even more.

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Another picture of Larry and I in Smithville

5. Honesty is the best policy. My relationship with my boyfriend has always been founded on honesty. It’s not always easy to come clean and be honest about our lives, where we’ve been, where we are now, but it’s a necessity. I won’t go into details, this is for us to worry about. But there’s been nights when we first got together where I really opened up to my boyfriend, poured my heart out, and became outright vulnerable. I had to ask for forgiveness of past mistakes, and my boyfriend was more than willing to give it to me, no questions asked. The fact that we can be open and honest with each other has allowed us to build trust and become even closer to each other.

And not only are we honest about our relationship with each other,  but with others as well. We met online, and though he’s not the first person I dated online, this is the first time I can come out and say “Yes, I met my boyfriend on OKCupid.” Because as my boyfriend taught me, why hide it? There’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of with it. In 2015, is it really worst to meet your significant other online than in a bar? We never did anything wrong meeting online. Was it risky? Yes, it was, but so are all relationships. I just know that OKCupid is what helped me meet my best friend and the love of my life.

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Larry and I at the Newsboys concert in October. This was one of my favorite dates. I told him I was in love with him that night.

6. There is no “I” in “Team”. My boyfriend taught me to view our relationship as a team effort right from the get-go and I’ve always loved that. He always said we’re teammates and we work together to love and support each other — and we’ve always done a great job with that. We’ve never really had an argument. We work through life’s trials and tribulations together as a team.

I told him I was thinking about getting a cochlear implant in the end of September. We’ve been dating for about two weeks at the time. I was implanted in November, after being together for just two months. He’s been there every step of the way. Even when I had stitches in my head, was too dizzy to walk, couldn’t stay awake for more than a half hour at a time, couldn’t hear anything, and couldn’t wash my greasy hair for 10 days, he was still supportive, loved me, and told me I was beautiful. I had to heal for a month before being activated and couldn’t hear. I didn’t want to go out or do things and I couldn’t listen to music or watch movies. I wasn’t much fun, but we still made it work. He was patience, loving, understanding, and an amazing team player.

Now it’s my turn. He’s away for training for his new truck driving job with Werner. I have to be understanding of him being away for long periods of time including holidays like Valentine’s Day. It’s hard, but I know in the end it will be worth it — this is his career and his future and it makes him happy. Some days I get really emotional, but I try to support him the best that I can and I let him know that I’m proud of him and I support him and can’t wait to have him back home. We are a team and we’re in it all together.

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Larry and I at a Halloween party at his Aunt’s house. We dressed up as teammates… You can’t see it too well but our shirts match. I’m Apple Sauce and he’s Awesome Sauce (our nicknames for each other). I was number 13 (the date we started dating… September 13th) and he was 75 (Sometimes we say 14375 or 14355 to each other… 14375 is “I love you Awesome Sauce” and 14355 is “I love you Apple Sauce”. )

My boyfriend is the greatest man I ever knew. On Friday, the 13th we will have been together for 5 months — my longest relationship ever (also his, but it’s been his longest relationship since month 2 lol). He’s taught me a lot in these past 5 months and I know we’ll learn many more important life lessons together in the next days, months, and years we spend together.


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Image Credits: Raychel Mendez

Last week I read an article on Thought Catalog by Aiz Alegre titled “Loving You Was Worth The Heartbreak”. I can’t get this article off of my mind. It was so perfect. It described everything I felt, and still do feel, for Casey so well. I had to double check the author’s name on more than one occasion to make sure someone didn’t publish something I have written. It was absolutely something I’d write and very similar to the blog posts I already wrote regarding my relationship with Casey. 

 

Some of my friends were a bit less than happy with me for posting a link to the Thought Catalog article and talking about how much I related to it, how it described everything I felt. But here’s the thing: I do believe Casey was worth all of the heartbreak and pain he brought on to me. I will never regret our relationship. And I don’t think this is a bad thing at all.

I can’t begin to describe everything I felt, experienced, and been through regarding my relationship with Casey. At best, I can only attempt,  but I don’t believe anyone else will ever fully understand or comprehend how much Casey meant to me or the impact this relationship had on me, how or why it was different from anything I ever experienced, and why, despite all of the pain, I still feel it was worth it.

Here’s the thing, Casey broke my heart and screwed with my emotions. He did some screwed up things that I will never fully comprehend and I no longer know what was or wasn’t real.The only thing I know for sure is that I was crazy about him…crazy in love with him.

When we broke up I felt pain like never before. I felt utterly broken. I’m pretty sure I felt all 7 stages of grief 10xs over. I cried. I broke things. blogged. I felt anger. I felt okay. I felt happy. I accepted it was over. I begged him to take me back. We worked on getting back together, and everything repeated itself several times. It was a rollercoaster.

I have now finally accepted that this is truly over and done with. We will never get married. We will never bear children. We will never have our happily ever after. But that’s okay. I loved and I lost, but it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I learned a lot from my relationship with Casey, and I’m still learning everyday.

 The three most important lessons I learned are:

1. Love is not sex. You don’t have to have sex to love someone. Love in itself should be enough. I never have felt a deeper form of love than what I felt for Casey. We obviously weren’t having sex considering we couldn’t see each other being 1,000 miles away. Love was enough…for awhile, anyway.

 

2. Never settle. Casey was everything I ever wanted in a partner…or at least I thought he was. It was the perfect relationship until he left. That kinda ruined things. But I haven’t dated anyone or really even looked too closely at anyone since we broke up. No one has compared — everything has been a huge step down. Why am I going to settle for something that isn’t truly going to make me happy? Something better than Casey exists and in time I will find it. Why bother wasting time on things that I don’t want, that won’t make me happy in the mean time?

 

3. Regret nothing. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Never regret something that once made you smile. Life is a never ending learning experience. Everything happens for a reason. I needed Casey in my life at this time for a reason. I learned a lot from Casey. Yes, it didn’t last. Yes he broke my heart and practically destroyed me. But yes, I would also do it all over again in a heart beat. Casey confirmed what I always suspected, what I wanted so badly to believe to be the truth. I know it is the truth now — it is absolutely possible to fall madly, stupidly, passionately in love with someone. To be completely attracted to them based on the person they are (or I guess it’s more appropriate in this case to say the person I believed Casey to be, since I’m not sure what was or wasn’t real…). To be in love with their soul and to fill a spiritual connection…as if your two hearts, souls, emotions, everything is completely in sync with each other. Love does not have to be a physical thing at all…it is so much more. 

 

My relationship with Casey was amazing, but it didn’t last. When it ended it was painful. Very, very painful. But I know it’s over and done with and the pain is finally starting to reside. What I had with Casey is the kind of thing most people  could only dream of having…the kind of thing you only read about in books. But it was real, very really, and I don’t and never will regret it.

 

On a more positive note, Casey is not my Prince Charming. He is not the one.

Something…someone better…is out there for me. I will get my happy ending in time. And if what I had with Casey was a magical, wanderlust of a love story, well, no words have been invented to describe the next chapter in the (hopefully) everlasting love story. I’m excited to find it when the time is right, though. 

In short, Casey, it’s done. It’s over with. It was amazing. It was painful. It was amazingly painful. But it was worth it. Loving you was worth the heart break. 


 

This past Halloween was not fun. I was in the process of moving and feeling 24344334 shades of blue.

Casey and I were broken up. We were not speaking. Or actually I guess I should say he wasn’t speaking to me. And it hurt. A lot.

We spoke about Halloween in months passed. He was so excited about it. He recently discovered Dr.Who and was obsessed. He wanted to be the doctor for Halloween and I was going to be the tardis…well so he thought. I definitely wasn’t keen on dressing up as some stupid blue box for Halloween especially since I never even seen Dr. Who before. But I tried to negotiate by offering to be a companion or something else. I honestly just wanted to make him happy and was honored to be a part of his plans. He didn’t have a good childhood and never had a chance to dress up for Halloween. His dad didn’t approve of it and hearing that mad me so sad. I wanted to help him make up for his loss childhood. Plus, since we couldn’t physically be together on Halloween, this would help us create a sense of belonging and connect even while over 1,000  miles away.

The fact that Casey and I were broken up and not on speaking terms and therefore not participating in our planned Halloween together crushed me. I was very depressed on Halloween. I called it a night at like 8pm. I didn’t really celebrate at all. I did, however, write a letter.

Despite being completely screwed over by Casey, I couldn’t quit him. He was my favorite drug and I was quite the addict. When he left he did so without any explanation at all which I think was the hardest part for me. I needed closure. I needed reasoning. But I had nothing.

In an attempt to find closure, to get an explanation, a reaction, or at the very least, say all that I needed to say…I wrote a letter on Halloween. This is what it said:

Dear Casey:

I shouldn’t be writing this email. My friends would kill me for this. But they don’t understand.

I’ve written this email in my head about a thousand times. I keep fighting the urge to put it on paper and hit send…but well, here’s the word document…here’s the text that keeps expanding. Whether or not it makes it to the save button, or gets copy and pasted into gmail and makes it to you…well…that’s to be continued.

And whether that all happens and you choose to open it…that’s also something I’m unsure of, but I’m expecting the answer to be a no. I’m expecting this to go straight into the trash folder, completely unread. That breaks my heart so much, but its reality. It’s how things are now, despite how much I try to convince myself things are different.

We broke up over 4 months ago. That’s almost as long as my longest relationship lasted. But it hasn’t gotten easier. It gets harder. I haven’t even bothered to look at anyone else. My friends think I’m stubborn and stupid. Some of them tell me I’m holding onto a dream or something that’s make belief or not real. I guess she’s trying to help or look out for me…but she doesn’t get it.

There’s you and then there’s the rest of the world. The world is ugly. The people that are in it, a majority anyway, are ugly. I’ve been with ugly people.  I’ve been in toxic relationships. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have. Things happen that should not have happened. I don’t want to make those mistakes again. I feel like I’m the only one that sees mistakes at mistakes though. Everyone else sees it as a part of life.

Things with you were different. I loved you. I still do. You were everything I always dreamed of having. I missed you so much when you went home to Florida. But I knew (or I guess now the way to say this would be thought I knew) I would see you again someday. I don’t think I stopped believing that yet.

I could be myself around you. I never felt pressured. I never felt like I had to be someone I wasn’t. The only thing I hated about being with you was time. It never stopped moving and I never had enough time with you. I wish I could have paused it. We spent just three days together, but I replayed every second of those days in my head a thousand and one times. It’s like having a film that never stops playing.

I’ll never forget singing the backstreet boys with you in the mall. Or experiencing my first captioned film at Somerdale movie theatre with you and dancing to the credits at the end. The only two people left in the theatre (which I guess doesn’t say much since there was hardly anyone else there at all). The room could have been packed and nothing would have mattered though. I knew than what I knew before. I loved you and wanted that moment to last an eternity. It was just a bliss. I was so happy with you right then.

I’ll never forget when you left. I never hugged anyone like that before. I never wanted to let go. It was so sad and so beautiful. You promised me you would be back. When we went out to dinner and I got sad because I knew we had only minutes left together. You said, and I quote, “I’m leaving the area, but I’m not leaving you.”

You lied.

I know that things change. I know that things changed when you went home. But I never saw that coming.

We used to talk about a lot of things, Casey. I would kill for one of those conversations. I miss falling asleep talking to you. You were 1000 miles away, but you always felt right next to me. It was the kind of closeness you can’t even describe to another person. I miss it.

We used to talk about the future. Dreams, hopes, plans. I thought you would be a part of that. I prayed for it. I really believed one day, it would happen.

You used to talk to me about forgiveness. You were so afraid that one day you’d do something and I wouldn’t be able to forgive you. We weren’t married. Not even close to that. Of course, I had dreams we’d have that in the future. I thought you were the one.

I dreamed of you literally and figuratively. Remember how we would sometimes spend hours at night talking about all of the places we wanted to travel to, things we wanted to do? They were dreams, but I thought they were so real. I never dreamed of those things with anyone else. You’re the only one I’d want to see the world with. No one else would ever really appreciate it or see it the way you do anyway.

I wanted to marry you.

I wanted to raise children with you.

It all seemed so perfect. I didn’t want those things *now* of course. Now’s not the time for it. We need our careers. We need our individual families. And we need to see the world. But I thought in the distant future we could maybe have that. I can’t think of anyone else that would even come close to being half as great of a husband or father as you.

Maybe it’s stupid of me to think this way. But I thought maybe you felt something too.

You never told me you loved me, but I still believed it. I felt it. I can’t shake the feeling that we had something. I just can’t.

Even if we weren’t together…fine.  I mean, it hurts but…

For you to not be anything at all in my life, just some guy I used to  know. That’s unbearable for me right now.

My life has changed so much since you left me, Casey. In scary ways and also in wonderful ways. Sometimes even both at same time. Even when things are great I’m still overcome with a bit of sadness though because I no longer have you to share it with.

I quit Walmart. I wanted to tell you all about it. But you weren’t there.

I got a job as an Inbound Marketer. I’ve been extremely successful so far, almost more than anyone in the department. And you’re not there for me to talk about it.

You used to love this stuff…SEO, web stuff, everything.

I made an Infographic and didn’t know which program to use — photoshop or Illustrator — and I didn’t really have anyone that could offer helpful advice. You could have been that person. But you weren’t there.

My parents and I are moving to a new condo in a nearby, much nicer/safer town. We are so excited for this fresh new start in our lives. I wish I could share my excitement with you. But as excited as I am it still feels weird.

About two days before you left me you talked to me about how much you loved Cherry Hill. How you wanted to move there. I don’t mean to sound vain, but I thought I was part of that equation. I thought maybe one day you’d move there with me. We’d start a new life together.

I work in Mount Laurel. I have to go past Cherry Hill everyday on my way to and from work. I pass the hotel you stayed at everyday. It kills me.

I know things changed in your life too. You deleted me from Facebook. You deleted me from Linkedin. You deleted me from Foursquare. You deleted me from everything there is to delete me from. But you are not invisible.

As much as you try to delete me, you can’t delete the memories or what is in my heart. Sometimes I wish you could.

I know that you left your job at Lab 3 Marketing. I do not know why or how. It doesn’t matter though.

I know that you have a new job at a hotel. I am very proud of you. Are you happy? You sound happy. I hope you’re happy. That’s all I ever want for you.

I hope I don’t sound like a stalker. Yes, I googled you. I looked you up on LinkedIn. Maybe that makes me a creepy stalker. Maybe that makes me a terrible person.

I try not to be like that.

When it comes down to it, I’m just a stupid girl that loves a boy.

I’m holding on to the things I once had. The things I so desperately wish I still had.

The things I can’t believe I lost.

But they’re gone now. I will never know why. I analyzed every little detail of this situation every second of every day since you left and here’s my conclusion:

I have no idea.

I have no idea why this ended.

This never should have happened.

I still love you and I always will.

I had something really great with you.

And I’m scared to death I’ll never have it again.

I got my wish. Casey and I reconnected in January. A few days ago we made plans to travel to DC together for his spring break. We were going to use the trip to reconnect and discuss our future and the possibility of getting back together. But within about 24 hours of making plans, Casey up and left with little to no explanation again.

This time I’m done. So fucking done. Look at this letter I wrote on Halloween. Look at my previous blog posts. It’s obvious I cared a great deal and did way more than I should have to make this work.

It’s also obvious that I deserve so much better.

Have a nice life, Casey Fraites. Leave me out of it.

Moving on…


So it’s New Year’s Eve. I’m about to close another chapter of my life and begin a new one. I already wrote what my New Year’s resolutions are and about what I hope to accomplish in 2014. Now I’d like to look back on my best moments of the past year. 2013 was a pretty crazy year. It’s definitely had its ups and downs, but overall it was pretty cool and if 2014 follows a similar path I’d be quite alright with that. Here are my Top 10 Moments From 2013.
10. Meeting Casey In Real Life. 

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This was my 2nd day with Casey, May 9, 2013.I took this picture outside of the student center by my favorite bridge. I loved showing him around and he really seemed to like the campus.

I think this can go on two lists: top 10 best moments and top 10 worst moments. Casey and I were randomly brought together in 2012 after  meeting online through my writing for Bit Rebels. We became very quick friends and I ultimately ended up falling in love with him. For awhile we dismissed having a real relationship since he’s 34 and I’m 23 and he lives in Florida and I live in NJ. However, the more we talked the more our friendship grew and we just wanted more. It started to seem possible and like it was meant to be. We made our relationship official on April 1, 2013.

We started planning when we would meet for the first time in real life. We knew it was something we had to do it was just a matter of when. Casey was an avid traveller and used to these things so the plan was he’d visit me. Originally we planned to meet for his birthday which was in July. However, when he learned that my birthday was in May he quickly changed his plans.

Casey and I met for the first time on my 23rd birthday which was May 8, 2013. We spent the next 3 days together hanging out at the mall, seeing movies, going out to eat, and I even took him to Rowan for a book signing event. We had a great time and even though we broke up a month later, it’s something I will always remember.
9. Valentine’s Day

For those of you who don’t know Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday. In 2012 I was dating a real jerk that made things really bad for Valentine’s Day. I was single for it in 2013 and couldn’t have been happier. I had off of work and I treated myself to an iPhone. I previously only had a crappy Cricket phone that couldn’t really do anything. I fell in love with my iPhone instantly. I don’t know how I ever went without it…this phone is amazing!

Here’s the first picture I took with my iPhone…notice my candy heart earrings and heart headband…I get really into Valentine’s Day!

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8. Grounds for Sculpture. My mom always has off on Wednesdays and weekends. When I worked at Walmart I had off every Thursday and that was about it. One week I got lucky and had off on a Wednesday. We wanted to do something fun and different together as a family so we gave Grounds for Sculpture a try. It was such a fun day! I can’t wait to go back sometime. There’s so much to see! Here’s a few of our pictures:

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Honestly one of the things I like the most about this picture is that I had to throw that shirt out because it no longer fits…it’s way too big! That’s a problem I don’t mind having… 😉

7.Yellowcard Concert Yellowcard has been one of my favorite bands for years and their Ocean Avenue album was practically revolutionary for me. I listened to that album thousands of time. Pretty much every single song on it is very important and meaningful for me. When I found out that they were doing a 10 year acoustic anniversary tour for the album I just had to go. I definitely wasn’t disappointed.  You can check out my full review of the Yellowcard Ocean Avenue Acoustic Tour Here. Here’s some videos from the show:

6. Commencement. I actually graduated in December of 2012, but my commencement wasn’t until May of 2013. I’ll be honest, Commencement was a little disappointing to me and I thought my community college graduation was 1000x’s better,but it was still a nice final “hoorah!”. I achieved something no one else in my family has — not just one, but two bachelor’s degrees.

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This is Rowan’s mascot The Prof…we’re just too cool to call ourselves the Rowan Owls…

graduating-with-college-of-communication-and-creative-arts

I recieved a bachelor’s in English and a Bachelor’s in Writing Arts. I chose to participate in the Writing Arts ceremony with the College of Communication & Creative Arts

rowan-commencement

The red and white cords represent my membership with the Lambda Pi Eta Communications Honor Society.

thumbs-up-i-made-it

 

carpe-diem-rowan-grad-cap

I spent way too much time trying to decide how to decorate my cap. This was perfect. It’s a line from Dead Poets Society (my favorite movie and a movie that fits in well with both of my majors) that means “Seize the Day”.

5. Christmas  This was the best Christmas my family and I had for a long time. It was the first Christmas in our new home and we were all happy and well. The past few years have been rough with losing family members and financial struggles. We were very financially stable this year which definitely helped, but at the same time we always remember the true meaning of Christmas. Just having a nice day together was one of the things that made this year’s Christmas so special.
4. Working at Webimax I started 2013 still working at Walmart and it made me completely miserable. I hated it. I worked very hard and pretty much all I ever got was a hard time from everyone and taken advantage of by co-workers and management. I constantly applied for “real” jobs but the job market is no joke these days. Seriously, if you’re looking for a job good luck at getting so much as an interview. My job search lead me some interesting places…such as hundreds of miles from home in the middle of nowhere also known as State College PA:

state-college-pa

I interviewed for a digital journalist position at Accuweather. I was really late because apparently it’s really easy to get lost in the middle of nowhere. They didn’t like me and I didn’t like them much either. No surprise I didn’t get this job. I’m quite thankful for that…I was less than enthused about the idea of moving to State College.

I applied to Webimax several times over the course of 2013. The first being about two days before my trip to State College actually. I applied again when they announced they were hiring over the summer. I never gave up on them because in my heart I knew that was my dream job and where I really wanted to be.

I was interviewed for an Inbound Marketer position around the beginning of July. The interview went extremely well, but unfortunately they were unable to hire me at that time. So my job search continued as I remained a cashier at Walmart.

webimax-interview-pink-blazer

I took this picture right before my interview at Webimax. It took me forever to decide what to wear. I loved the pink blazer because I thought it would help me to stand out and be more memorable.

Then everything began to fall in place. I had an interview set up with The Christian Post. It sounded promising except for one thing…the interview was to take place in NYC on 9/11…not a time when you want to go to the city. It was also a 100+ degree day…not ideal for wearing a business suit and walking around the city…

God works in funny ways. As I was stressing over my Christian Post interview I got an email from human resources at Webimax with a job offer. I accepted immediately.

Now I have been working at Webimax since September. I love it so much. I have learned so much about the world of SEO and I always look forward to coming into work each day. My boss and co-workers are amazing. Everyone is so smart, creative, and fun. I definitely made the right choice accepting this offer and I can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store for me at Webimax.
3. Reconnecting with Old Friends I lost touch with a lot of friends during college especially when I transferred into Rowan. This year I started to reconnect with some and it’s been wonderful. I definitely need to give a shout out to Pam here. Pam, you’ve been a wonderful friend to me always. I always enjoy having tea with you and learning all about the cow apocalypse.
2. Moving to Washington Township I lived in Woodbury for about 9 years. It was supposed to just be a temporary thing but it didn’t quite work out that way. Woodbury’s been good for me over the years. The high school was amazing and I have many great friends from Woodbury. I love the diner, too. It’s my happy place. However, our house really sucked. Everything was broken. See:

broken-bedroom-wall

Just one of the many broken walls in my bedroom in my old house…

 

broken-sink

Believe it or not this was actually the only “working” sink in the old house…

 

The condo we moved to in Washington Township is much nicer. Nothing’s broken, we have counter space in the kitchen, we have a dishwasher, washer and dryer, and even a sunroom! The area is much more quiet, peaceful, and safe as well. I frequently go for walks around town and morning runs. Here’s some pictures of the new house:

cabinet-space-new-home

dishwasher-new-home

my-bathroom-new-home

We have two bathrooms now. This one is mine.

 

parents-bathroom-new-home

And this is the main bathroom/my parent’s bathroom.

 

my-new-room

My new room is just a tad bit nicer than my old room…

 

 

new-home-washington-township

This is the view outside of my new home in Washington Township

 

the-red-room

This is “the red room” also known as the sunroom but for some reason everything is red…

 
1. Meeting Sean Forbes Seriously though, did you expect anything else to be #1? Sean Forbes is absolutely amazing and meeting him was everything I hoped it would be. I love all that Sean is doing for the deaf community. He has so much talent and is just amazing. I saw his show at The Rotunda in Philly back in October and it was just amazing. I loved the vibrating stage and how he signs and everything it was just great. I got to talk to him before and after the show and he was such a sweet heart. He actually remembered me by name through Twitter! I was amazed that he remembered! He definitely cares about his fans!

Sean-Forbes-And-I

Sean Forbes and I after his show in Philly! I was so excited to meet him!

 

2013 was a pretty cool year. I’m really looking forward to what 2014 brings!



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