So… I’ve had a rather interesting week.
Casey tried to connect with me on LinkedIn on Wednesday.
Casey as in THE Casey. The one who I met on my 23rd birthday and fell hopelessly in love with. The one I had a crazy long distance relationship with. The one I loved with every ounce of my being.
The one that thought deleting me from social media and not answering my texts but then sending me a few sentences in an email on “why he did what he did” a few months later was an acceptable way to break up with me.
The one that broke up with me for no apparent reason.
The one that made me want to set myself on fire and watch my skin turn to ash as a way to relieve the pain I was feeling.
The one that broke me.
The one who wanted to get back together a few months later because they realized they made a horrible mistake.
The one I forgave.
The one that scared me.
The one I trusted.
The one my soul hungered for.
The one I was addicted to.
The one I swore was a gift from God to share my forever with.
The one who cheated.
The one who got engaged.
The one who got married.
The one with no apologies.
The one that suffocated me.
The one I would have gladly died for.
The one that made a mistake.
The one that got away.
The one that ruined my life.
The one that’s still married.
The one that just won’t go away.
Yes, that Casey.
My first instinct was to almost laugh at it. I couldn’t believe how pathetic the whole thing was. The ex from hell whom I refuse to talk to trying to add me on LinkedIn because he probably thinks that’s his best chance at staying connected with me. It’s barely a step above MySpace.
I let it sit in my inbox for a couple of days. I wanted him to know how it felt to wait. How it feels to not know. How it feels to try your hardest to reach someone who couldn’t care less about you.
I debated on whether or not I should accept it. I couldn’t bare the idea of going down this path and ending up crushed again. But a part of me wanted to be able to flaunt and dangle my successful career in front of his face to show him just to show him all that I can and did do without him; to show him just how much I really don’t need him.
The last time I talked to him was in October after ignoring a series of Facebook messages from him (we are not Friends on Facebook; he sent messages to my Facebook page). He told me he was miserable and that his wife didn’t appreciate him (there’s a feeling he’s taught me quite a lot about…). He called me the one that got away and said he had no one to blame but himself (no…You don’t say?). After I ignored 5 or more he finally made the mistake of saying, “I wish you would talk to me. I miss you.”
But I didn’t want to hear it.
In the past I may have been different. More trusting. More forgiving. More understanding. Excited to hear from him. Excited at the possibility of getting back together.
In the past I would’ve had hope.
Because I loved you.
I can forgive many things but I can’t forgive you for marrying her. Especially not when you’re still married.
I told Casey off when I received that message in October. It was like every wound on my heart had been reopened and this time instead of having a heart of love, I had a heart of pain ready to attack before it even stood the change of taking on any additional pain.
This is what I said with his response at the bottom:
I thought that settled it. I never imagined this would still be going on now, another 2 months after sending that message and just a few days after he “celebrated” his 2 year wedding anniversary with his wife. Actually, thinking of it that way makes me sick. For someone that claims so much to be a “disciple of Jesus” you sure haven’t mastered the whole “Love thy wife” part…
I accepted Casey’s LinkedIn request a few days after he sent it. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s a part of me that wanted to show him just how much I didn’t need him. Maybe I had hope still for him for some reason. Maybe I wanted something to happen. I don’t know.
But when Casey followed me on Twitter the day after, I know how I felt: scared.
Scared that this was all going to start over again. Scared that a marriage was ending and I’d be to blame. Scared that I was going to ruin the life I’ve gotten comfortable living – alone. Scared that this time would somehow be the worst than the last two times.
I thought about everything very deeply. For a few days, I couldn’t sleep. On the one hand, it was the same old, same old and I’d be a fool to go back to it. On the other hand, what if this was the one time things were going to be different and I was giving up on the one I was meant to be with?
I thought about it over and over and over and talked with some friends. And this is what I learned:
He didn’t love me.
He didn’t love me before we started dating, after we started dating, after we met, before we met, when we met, or now.
I loved him more than anything.
But he didn’t love me, nor will he ever.
No matter what you do for someone, regardless of how much you love them, you can’t make them love you. It doesn’t work like that.
And it’s not worth my time or energy any more and things aren’t how they were when I was 22. One of us is married. The other one is in a deeply committed relationship with work and school and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone stand in the way of reaching my goals.
When I was 22 I had the whole world in front of me. I worked as a crummy cashier at the local Walmart begging for an escape. I thought you were that escape. There was nothing in the world more thrilling and exciting than being a 22 year old new college grad with a 32 year old long distance boyfriend. When I graduated I was so excited about the possibilities and what the future held not just for me, but for you, too; for us. I thought we’d take over the world – travel together, open a business, be our own boss. Be entrepreneurs and both business and life partners.
But it’s not what you wanted, obviously.
You were selfish back then.
Now, it’s my turn to be selfish.
I want to earn my MA.
I want to work 2 or more jobs at a time.
I want to dedicate more time to my church.
I want to study hard and harder and earn a Ph.D..
I want to teach.
i want to write and publish a book.
I want to move to Philly.
I want to move to Cincinatti.
I want to big time editor for some fancy NYC magazine.
I want to move to California.
I want to work 80 hours a week because I can.
I don’t want anyone to tell me who to be or what to do.
I don’t want to waste my time on you (I’ve wasted too much time already).
I want to be selfish like you.
I feel no guilt.
I feel no shame.
No sympathy for you.
We’re not meant to be together.
You’re not my lover.
You’re not my friend.
You are most certainly not “the one”.
And you don’t love me.
Because you don’t leave the people you love.
You don’t destroy the people you love.
And it took me awhile,
But I don’t love you like I did yesterday.
And I’m tired.
And I’m sick.
And all the hell you put me through.
And I’m done.
I’m so, so, so, done.
And so, so, so ready to go on being a little selfish and to live this life without you.
And here is what I want from you:
Please. Please. Please.
LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
I have nothing more to say to you that hasn’t already been said.
This has burnt up in flames many times over.
It’s time to leave the the ashes along so the dust can settle
And this can finally, finally, maybe die and be over with.
Let’s face it, breakups suck. Sometimes they can come seemingly out of nowhere at the most surprising or inconvenient times. Sometimes we know they are coming. Maybe you’ve been arguing with your boyfriend or girlfriend for weeks and can’t seem to resolve your issues. Maybe one of you is moving far away from town and the other can’t or won’t join you.
Or maybe you never saw it coming. Maybe you loved that person with all of your heart and soul, but they drifted away from you because they didn’t feel the same. Maybe you even caught that person in the act of cheating…ouch!
Regardless of what the cause of the breakup was or whether or not you saw it coming, it doesn’t change the fact that breakups suck. However, with or without that person, life must go on. If you’re a writer, a breakup is no valid excuse to give up on your dreams and quit your job as a writer.
But what do you do if you find yourself needing to write about your ex? If you’re a songwriter like Taylor Swift then you might want to use your songwriting skills to help you cope with your breakup. This can be a great way to help you express yourself and deal with your emotions. However, it can also come at a risk. You don’t want to sound bitter or catty. If you’ve never dabbled in the art of songwriting before you may want to avoid it altogether at least until you start to really get over your breakup just so you don’t end up sounding too bitter and making a fool out of yourself in the process. Hey, we can’t all be Taylor Swift (although I wish I could be!)
However, one challenge you may face as a writer is dealing with how to write about your ex if you were in the process of writing a novel that they played a role in. If you’re working on a piece of fiction then it probably won’t be too hard for you to just further fictionalize the character or cut them off altogether, but what happens if you’re writing a memoir or a piece of nonfiction that your ex plays a bigger role in? Sometimes it is not practical to simply cut them out of the picture. Sometimes writing about your ex is completely unavoidable. Sure, it’s never easy to write about your ex especially during a recent breakup, but there is a way to do it without sounding bitter. Here’s how:
1. Only write what’s necessary. Let’s be real, writing about your ex may feel like torture. Did you have an amazing relationship and then have it all unexpectedly fall to pieces? Were you in love with someone that wasn’t in love with you? Did you have a horrific, messy breakup? Whatever the case may be, you can pretty much bet on the fact that your breakup has you feeling at least a little bit lousy and chances are you’d rather not think about it now, let alone write about it. This is why the first and most important step is to only write what is necessary. If you can cut your ex out of the story without jeopardizing your plot or story line, DO IT. If you can’t, such as the case for me and the memoir I am currently writing, then the trick is to only write what is necessary. Writing about your ex is hard, so why torture yourself with excessive, unnecessary details?
2. Tell the truth. Here’s another challenge you may face when writing about your ex: telling the truth. You’re going through a breakup and it sucks and you’re hurting. The only things you want to write now is probably about how horrible of a person your ex is and how you feel they deserve to be cast in a pit of fire. But really think about your relationship — was it always this horrible? What drew you to that person and what made you stay in the relationship for as long as you did? There’s a good chance that person had some good in them. Focus on the good and tell the positive side in the story.
Sometimes there really may not be a positive side to tell, and that’s okay, too. You could very well be writing a story about a nasty, abusive relationship and how you survived it (though I hope to God you aren’t because that’s just awful). Good or bad, you should always tell the truth and nothing but the truth about your ex when writing him into your novel. Don’t turn him or her into a criminal when everything wasn’t all that bad just because you’re hurting now and don’t make him or her out to be a saint if he wasn’t really all that great of a person.
3. Give yourself a break. Writing about your ex is going to be hard. You may have to write about all of the best parts of your relationship and this will remind you of the fact that it’s all gone now. Or, you may have to face the reality that you loved that person and their way of thanking you for your love was by cheating on you. You will be forced to relive, re-experience, and reevaluate your relationship, and quite honestly, watch your heart break all over again in the process. It will not only be painful, but emotionally draining as well. For this reason it is important to give yourself a break. Write down a couple of paragraphs and when things get too hard or too painful to continue, take a walk and get some fresh air. Chances are when you return you will feel refreshed, renenergized, rejuvenated, and prepared to write a better story anyway.
Writing about your ex will likely be the hardest part of your story, but that’s no reason to abandon your writing project. Remember, if you walk away and give up on your writing, your ex wins in the end. He or she already broke your heart, do you want him to ruin the writing project you’ve already worked so hard and invested so much time and energy on, too? I didn’t think so. When you follow these tips you’ll be able to continue on your story writing about your ex with grace without sounding bitter or angry in the process.
I, like any other girl who has read Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt’s novel, It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken chose to read this book for one reason and one reason only: I just got out of a relationship and it kind of sucks.
The funny part of the story is this: I had no intention to read this book. I had no intention to read any breakup books or self-help books or anything of that sort. Okay, that’s a little bit of a lie. I really want to read Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris. I’m a huge supporter of Joshua Harris after reading his other novel, I Kissed Dating Goodbye after being dumped by the man I dated prior to meeting my most recent ex. But when it comes to It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken I can truly say I (fortunately) stumbled upon it by accident.
But maybe it wasn’t an accident at all. Maybe this was a gift from God. Actually, I’m quite positive that it was.
You see, as I already mentioned, breakups suck. Yes, I was the one to end it. Yes I was not the nicest person in the world with how I ended it. I hung up on him after a 7 or 8 minute phone call (I didn’t like his attitude and refused to take any more of his crap at that point). But that’s not how I intended things to be and it doesn’t change the fact that I was wildly in love with him, didn’t want to have to break up with him, and still felt hurt, heartbroken, and awful about everything.
I did the deed last Friday, October 16th. I cried for the first 6 days of our our breakup. Some days I cried all day and didn’t want to get out of bed or do the whole living my life thing. Other days I woke up feeling great only to end the day by crying myself to sleep. I’m proud to say now that I’ve made it through 3 straight days of no tears (knock on wood). This book definitely helped me (at least for the last 2 days in which I owned it).
I have learned that the best way to get rid of the pain and lousiness I feel is to stay distracted. When I don’t have anything to do I think of how I would be on the phone with him normally and I get sad. I wonder where he is (he is a truck driver). I wonder what his family thinks (even though I already know that his step-dad and mother hate my guts and have wanted him to break up with me since August after we had another fight…but that’s a whole other story and I know his grandmother thinks I was too clingy and I deserve to feel all the pain in the world for walking away from her son who did know wrong because she doesn’t know the full story and is likely reading this right now in which I give her a shout out and say hi 🙂 ). I wonder how he is doing. I hope that I didn’t hurt him too bad and I hope that I didn’t cause him too many problems with his work (I broke up with him while he was working). I play the scenarios in my head. I think of how awful it must feel to be broken up with via phone and for your new ex girlfriend to not only dump you on the phone, but hang up on you, too. Then I get really really mad and depressed because he never tried to call me back or even text me like I was so sure he would — he just let me go.
Simply put, when I’m not distracted and when I have nothing to do, I think about my breakup and feel one hundred times worse about everything.
I decided this weekend I didn’t want to be sad and depressed. I wanted to take advantage of being single. I wanted to embrace it. I wanted to be bold and daring and do things that would make me happy.
So I went on a really really long walk. I walked about 4 or 5 miles on Saturday morning. My final destination? Margaret E. Heggan library in Sewell, NJ. Quite a far distance from my home. I have never been there before (let alone attempted to walk there) but for the past week I have been drawn to it. I NEEDED to go to this library (which I didn’t know existed until a week ago). I truly believe God was directing me to go to this library and on Saturday morning, I knew I had to wake up and get my walking shoes on and get my butt into the library.
The first thing I noticed when I got to the library was that they had their own little used bookstore. I only had $2 on me, but I know from past experiences that $2 can go a long way when it comes to used book sales. The first book I spotted wasn’t even on a shelf — just on top of a pile of other books by itself. It was It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Over. I didn’t think twice about buying it — I bought it on the spot. I felt like it was a sign from God that I was meant to see and read this book.
My first impression of the book was that I really loved the cover. Having a pint of ice cream on the front was too perfect because one of the first things I did after calling off my 13 month relationship was go to the grocery store and buy a gallon of gelato and devoured it in 2 days (I had wanted to be cliche and buy a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, but the store was out of my favorite flavors…I was really ticked off about that). That right there made me laugh and told me that this wasn’t going to be a typical self-help kind of book. It made me laugh and smile without even having to open it — something anyone dealing with a difficult breakup desperately needs.
The inside of the book was just as satisfying as the outside. I loved the tone of the book. It made me laugh and smile and feel better about my breakup right from page 1 and continued on throughout. The advice and the stories and tips were all very helpful. They made me feel like I wasn’t alone — there were thousands of other women who have been through the same thing as me, and had it much much worse than I did, but they survived!
The first half of the book related to myself and this first week of my breakup very well. Accepting the fact that there’s no new messages — he’s not going to call me back, text me, Facebook comment or message me, etc. was one of the hardest parts to accept. I’ve gotten frustrated and hung up on him before and he’s called back but this time was different. This time it was really over, but as bad as that sometimes makes me feel, it’s not a bad thing. As Greg and Amiira told me throughout the book, It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken. The first help of the book really helped me to put my relationship into perspective and see if for what it was and not what I had wanted and tried to believe it to be for the last 13 months. We had some great times. Larry is not a bad person. But he wasn’t the one and I wasn’t as happy as I fooled myself into believing I was in my relationship, and I doubt he was, either. Our relationship was broken, and breaking up was the best course of action to take.
I like that the first half of the book called me out on my post-breakup behavior. Greg and Amiira told me to stop binge eating, stop looking for answers at the bottom of a pint of ice cream, stop excessively checking my phone to see if he’ll contact me, stop talking about him (this is a book review, it doesn’t count…hey I’m working on it), and to stop wondering what he’s thinking. He’s more likely than not very pissed off at me which is understandable. If he wasn’t, my phone would probably be ringing, right? But it’s not, so there’s that. But It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken; I shouldn’t worry about any of it anyway. It’s like I said on the phone before hanging up on him, “Whatever, I’m done.”
The second half of the book gave me hope and made me realize that this breakup, even though it hurts (some days more than others), is the best thing to have ever happened to me because now I am free. I have all of this free time where I don’t have to worry where Larry is, what he’s doing and with whom, when he’s going to be home, if he’ll be home in time to do xyz, whether or not I should go and do things without him, etc etc. I’m free to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it, with whomeever I want to do it with. I don’t need his approval (I never did to begin with, I just felt like I did). These are the first days of the rest of my life. I can choose to wallow in sadness, or I can get up off my butt and do something. I can make positive changes and revamp my life. My biggest post-breakup regret is that I don’t really have many friends. My boyfriend was my best and only friend. When I first dumped him that was a hard pill to swallow — I was losing both my boyfriend and best/only friend. I had no one to lean on and do things with or just randomly strike up a conversation with. I could choose to be lonely or I could choose to change my situation. I choose the later. I am working to make friends by becoming more involved with things like my church, the local library, the cochlear implant support groups, and whatever else I can discover. I’m trying to talk to people and make new friends. Just taking a very long, far walk by myself to Duffields farm and the library on Saturday was a liberating experience. I felt so happy and free. And this is a message that Greg and Amiira hit on quite a bit in the second half of the book: you are in charge of your own happiness. For the past 13 months of my life, Larry was my entire world. He determined my happiness and I never had fun or did anything for myself, I did it only with him and that was wrong.
It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken. Despite trying to convince myself that everything was fine and that it was perfectly okay to be madly in love with a boyfriend whom I literally had to beg on multiple occasions for a bit of attention and whom I had to tell “I feel like you don’t love me” to recently and convince myself that I was okay with his lack of an answer/response to that statement was acceptable, my relationship was broken. It is not over because it was broken.
And you know what?
I think this may be the best thing to ever happen to me.
Larry is not my husband, nor will he ever will be.
But every day I come closer to finding the one that will be. Especially now that I called it quits with the one who was wasting my time and keeping me from meeting that man.
Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt’s It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken was an excellent book that left me feeling confident in myself, empowered, and excited at what my life post-breakup will be like. My only criticism for it is that it focused heavily on women that had just been dumped. I wish it hit a bit more on women that did the dirty deed. Just because I was the one to call it off doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Ending a relationship because you love someone and are pretty sure they don’t love you in return is a pretty lousy feeling. But this too, shall past.
Goodbye, broken record of a relationship.
Hello, bright future filled with new beginnings and possibilities.
It’s been a long, hard week.
Change is inevitable, but sometimes it hits us in the face in the most unexpected times.
We learn that people we thought were on our side, maybe they really weren’t on our side at all. And sometimes we will never understand why.
Even if people don’t have a reason to do so. They will make one up when you least expect it. My dad always did tell me that you can trust very few people in your life — maybe as many as only 3.
Still, when I got kicked out of the Trucker Girlfriend/Wives Support group I was in on Facebook, it hurt. That was not something I was expecting.
Days before being kicked out the admin of the group and someone who was very closely connected to the admin made a point to try to get to know me better. This was immediately after they kicked my secret sister out of the group. I was told that my secret sister was kicked out for betraying the trust of the group. I am unsure precisely what that meant. I always thought of her as being a nice girl and never seen her doing anything unusual that struck me as being a betrayal. But I didn’t feel it was really my place to comment on the issue — maybe they knew something that I didn’t — so I just let it be. Or so I tried.
Suddenly these girls, whom I’ve talked to on occasion of course, wanted to be my best friends. They messaged me constantly. One of them had her own Trucker Support Facebook Fan page that she invited me to be an admin of. I gladly accepted. I enjoyed working on the page. I do social media for a living anyway, so this was a fun way to use my talent. She also gave me access to her newly created Instagram that went along with it. Things seemed to be going really great. I had trouble keeping up with her sometimes though. I work full time and when I’m not working I’m usually freelancing, on the phone with my trucker boyfriend, at the gym, or sleeping. I don’t have much free time outside of work.
I had a really rough day this Tuesday. Some issues came up in my personal life. Issues and opportunities really. Some are exciting, some are scary, some are both. I am in a difficult place in my life right now and some of it gets upsetting. I was very upset on Tuesday. I spent much of the night talking things through on the phone with my boyfriend. I didn’t answer all of the messages from the girls from the group because I was busy on the phone and trying to make these major life decisions, or at the very least, talk through some of them.
I wasn’t ignoring anyone, I just was too busy to talk. I received some more messages at 11 at night. They asked what I was doing and if I wanted to talk. I was exhausted. I was physically and emotionally drained. I haven’t slept well the days before and the day was overwhelming, challenging, and a bit upsetting. I wasn’t in the mood to really talk to anyone at all at that point. I really just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that, but I guess they took things the wrong way.
I woke up in the middle of the night, at around 3 or 4 in the morning to some more messages. They said I was acting odd and they didn’t trust me. I was accused of deleting and blocking members, which I never did. I was removed and blocked from others, but not of my own doing. I am unsure what happened, but it was nothing on my end. I was very hurt.
I tried to explain things to the admin the next day. She offered to try to work things out with me. I still felt like I was being wrongfully accused of things and blamed for starting drama — none of which I did. She started to get kind of mad because I was reading the messages but not responding right away — I wanted time to think about the messages and everything that happened and I was also at work and after work, on the phone most of the night, trying to discuss things with my boyfriend. We needed to talk. I’m sorry, but my boyfriend is a bit of a higher priority than other trucker’s wives and girlfriends who I never even met in real life.
She offered to talk things through and possibly invite me back to the group. But after careful consideration, I said no.
I did a lot of thinking these past few days. And I realized, maybe I don’t belong in this group after all.
Yes, I’m in a relationship with a trucker.
But I am not a trucker wife…and I don’t think I ever will be.
I’m not saying Larry and I will never get married. I’m not saying that at all. Truth is, Larry and I have no idea what will or won’t happen in the future. We just know we’re a long way away from marriage. But even if we do get married, I don’t think I will ever identify as being a “trucker wife”.
I don’t speak for everyone in the group when I say this, but speaking from my experience, this is what I learned:
Most of the women are trucker wives. And that is their identity. That is their career. That is their sole life purpose — being a trucker wife.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I’m not saying that at all. If you’re a trucker wife and your whole life is dedicated to being a trucker wife and you’re happy with that life you’ve chosen — more power to you. At the end of the day, your happiness is all that matters.
But that is not me, nor will it ever be me.
I will never settle for a life as a trucker’s wife. I’m a very proud trucker girlfriend and I will support my boyfriend for as long as we’re together and I would absolutely do the same as his wife if we did get married, but I will never identify as a trucker’s wife.
I am well educated.
I am a Digital Marketing Manager – SMO (I do internet marketing with my main focus on social media…although I do have a few SEO clients as well for those of you wondering what that means).
I am writing a novel.
I am a suicide prevention advocate and author of a young adult book that deals with teenage suicide/depression.
I am deaf.
I am loud.
I am deaf and loud.
Being a trucker’s girlfriend is one part of the whole that I am. My boyfriend plays a very important part in my life, but he does not, nor will he ever, control me or be the only thing I identify with in my life.
And I know this is what he wants. Larry and I had many discussions about this over time. Yes, he absolutely wants me to come on the road with him sometime, but that doesn’t mean ALL the time. He wants me to have my own life, too! He wants me to work and follow my dreams and do the things that make me the happiest in life.
Even if that means not being a “Trucker’s Wife”.
Everyone I know is getting pregnant, engaged, or married these days.
In the past 24 hours I heard of one person getting married and another person just announced their pregnancy.
And these aren’t people I think of as “adults”…one is one of my former classmates, a kid I grew up with who is a couple of months younger than me. The other was my sister’s best friend in high school.
Come to think of it, I guess they are adults now. I am an adult. But at what age do these things happen and it seems normal? I’m 25 now and I can tell you, this doesn’t seem normal. I still feel like we’re all too young to be getting married and making babies…even if the one guy was with his girlfriend for at least the last 5 years or even if my sister (who has two children of her own)’s best friend just got married a couple months ago after being with her boyfriend for a couple of years as well.
I guess technically, 25 is an adult. Legally, 18 is an adult. Both of my parent were married at 18 and my mom had my sister when she was 19. But thing aren’t like how they used to be. People live longer now. We have all of the time in the world, so why are we in such a rush to get married and make babies and have that happily ever after?
I’m happy for everyone, really I am. It just is weird to me. I have trouble comprehending it all.
In exactly one week, my boyfriend Larry and I will have been together for exactly one year. We’ve been asked by many people in the past year when the wedding will be, if we think we’ll get married, yada yada yada.
I don’t think I’ll marry Larry, I know it. I have always know it.
But at the same time…don’t expect us to rush to the altar any time soon.
Larry and I will not get married today.
Larry and I will not get married tomorrow, either.
Or the next day.
Or the day after the next day.
Or anytime within the next year.
Or the year after the next.
We have no intentions to get married until I am 29 and he is 30. We are currently only 25 and 26…we still have quite a ways to go.
We see nothing at all wrong with wanting to wait. It doesn’t mean we love each other any less. I could make the argument that rather, it shows just how much we do love each other. We love and respect each other enough to want to wait. If you only waited a couple months before getting married and/or bringing a child into the world because you know that he or she was the one, good for you.
But you are not us.
We are not you.
What is right for you is not necessarily what is right for us.
We love each other very much, but we want to learn to love each other even better before saying “I do”.
We know that we are not ready.
So what’s the point in jumping into something we know we’re not ready for? That sounds to me like a recipe for disaster. The divorce rate is pretty high these days. We don’t want to be adding our names to that statistic.
Larry and I are 25 and 26, maybe in your world or by your standards we are adults, but to us we are still kids. We aren’t ready to play house or mommy and daddy. The later part of this sentence absolutely horrifies me. I can’t imagine having kids right now. I would die. But one day that thought won’t horrify me. One day I will be ready and I’ll be a great mom, but that day isn’t going to be today.
Larry and I have a different kind of relationship than most people have. It’s old fashioned. And it’s also a bit less-than traditional.
We hold onto old fashioned views and values. We are both Christians. Our religion and our faith-based morals are extremely important to each other. There are things that we do not like, support, believe in, or partake in. Rather than listing each and everything thing, I’ll leave that up to you to figure out. Open the bible and you’ll find it all in there.
Also, one of the biggest things that everyone forgets is that Larry is a truck driver. This is what makes our relationship a bit less than traditional. Think of your relationship with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, whatever. Think about that first year of dating. How often did you see that person? How many dates did you have? Even if you only went on one date a week, it would have been at least 52 dates.
Let’s compare things to how it is with dating a truck driver. On average, I see Larry about once or twice a month. I’ll estimate on the high side because their were those times when he was home a bit more when he was in school or in between jobs. So let’s say he’s home twice a month and we see each other once each time he is home. There are 12 months in a year. 12 x 2 = 24.
52 – 24 = 28.
The average couple, in their first year of dating, has spent approximately 28 more days with their significant other than Larry and I has. 28 days is a lot of time to take to help you to get to know that person. That’s 28 days that we have missed out on that we will be working to make up over the next couple of years.
Larry and I need more time to date. We need more time to be kids. We need more time to have fun and not deal with the responsibilities of marriage and kids. We are adults; that’s why we work so much. But we need to have that time together when neither one of us is working. That time where if we want we an take a week and go to Disney together, or even just a weekend in Lancaster (both of which we have done or are planning to do).
We need those days where we pack a picnic in the park and shoot each other with nerf guns. No kids included, because we ARE the kids.
We need those nights where we have no plans, and I just tell Larry “surprise me — you pick”.
We need those nights — my favorite in the world — where we stay out until 4 or 5 am, most of those hours of which are simply pent in his car, parked outside of the apartment complex where I live with my parents, and he sleepily sings to me and holds me tight as I rest my head against him and feel like I’m the only thing in the world he can see at the moment.
We need those nights when we are the only things in each other’s world — because days like these won’t last forever — we need to hold on and cherish this moment while we still can.
Larry and I need to live at home, and not together right now.
Their are countless references in the bible of how a man (or a woman) should live with his or her parents until married. Which we are not.
We need to be there for our families, because one day, our families won’t be around anymore. Life is too short, these moments won’t last forever.
Also, in case you haven’t noticed, the cost of living is pretty high.
Larry and I need to work. We need to gain experience. We need to earn an income. We need to save. We need to plan.
We can’t just pick a place and move in overnight. Nor do we want to.
Larry and I want to live together when we are engaged, which I already mentioned won’t happen anytime soon. We want to learn how to live with each other before we make that commitment and walk down that aisle.
So many couples make the mistake of saying “I Do” before they even realize what they are agreeing to. Marriage is not a temporary thing, or at least it shouldn’t be. Larry and I are very much determined to be each other’s lifelong partners, to hold great value and emphasis in those wedding vows, and to dedicate our lives to each other day in and day out in our marriage. But in order to get to that point, we have a lot of learning to do.
We are still learning who we are. We are still learning our likes, dislikes, wants, needs, and desires. We are learning how to love each other, even on the days when we don’t particularly like each other very much. Love is a journey, and like all great journeys, they take time and things don’t happen overnight. What good is a journey that is short and rushed?
To say it simply,
Larry and I are in it for the long haul. We will definitely get married and have children and live happily ever after. But no time soon.
We’re not about to rush to the altar.
We will wait until we’re ready. And everyone will be the first to know when that day comes, after my parents know of course since we are old fashioned and Larry will go to my parents first to ask permission. Then everyone else will know mainly because Larry’s girlfriend doesn’t know how to shut up about things like these. :).
But until then, for the love of God,
This is my most recent picture with my boyfriend Larry. We were at a Danny Gokey concert in Vineland.
There’s no secret that I love my boyfriend. I talk about him constantly to anyone who will or won’t listen. If you haven’t heard about my boyfriend by now, you must be living under a rock. He’s pretty great. He makes me really happy and is my best friend. He’s also taught me a lot of important life lessons. Here are 5 of my favorite lessons I learned from my boyfriend.
1. Don’t rush anything. My boyfriend and I never rushed anything with out relationship. I’ll admit that sometimes it took some getting used to on my end. Prior to meeting my boyfriend I had 3 or 4 failed relationships. They never lasted long and everything happened so quick it often felt like a blur. Things were different with my boyfriend. We started talking in May of 2014. We took our time to get to know each other and become friends. We met online and didn’t meet in person or have our first date until September 1st. Things went great and we continued to see each other, but we didn’t make things official until the end of our third date and we didn’t share our first kiss until our 5th or 6th date.
Some people have asked us about our future plans. We definitely see ourselves making a future and being together for a very long time — but at the same time there’s no rush. There’s no need to rush through our lives. We need to take it one step at a time…which leads me to my next life lesson learned through my boyfriend…
Larry and I at Freightland in Delaware. It was so cold that night.
2. Live in the moment. I can be really bad at this. I focus a lot on my past and bad things that happened and I focus a lot on the present and the future I want to create. I have a really hard time living in the present and enjoying the current moment and taking it for what it is. My boyfriend helps me to stay grounded and focused on the present. When I get too negative thinking about the past he reminds me we’re in a new year with a new fresh start — the past needs to stay where it belongs — in the past. As for the future? We’ll definitely get there, but there’s no need to rush. We need to take time to enjoy this present moment, too. It only comes once.
This was our first picture as a official couple, hours after leaving Wheaton Village.
3. Life is too short. I don’t mean to be depressing, but for as long as I can remember I wanted to die very young. The thought of living a day past 50 horrified me. (Mom I apologize ahead of time for bringing this up again. Lord knows you’ve yelled at me hundreds of times for saying this). I was very close with all of my grandparents and watching them grow old and die was heartbreaking and not something I ever wanted to go through or put my loved ones through. Dying young and suddenly seemed to be the solution.
But when I met my boyfriend my views started to change. I began to see that life is actually really short and moves too fast. We need to appreciate every moment and enjoy it all and not rush for death. I’ll never forget my boyfriend and I’s third date (mainly because it’s the day we became official, but that’s another story). We went to Wheaton Village and were walking around and being silly, acting like the two big kids that we are and having a really great time. I told him, “This is what I love about you. You love to have fun. Everyone else says I’m immature when I want to have fun and that I need to grow up.” And he just looked at me and said, “Life is too short. You should have fun.” I never forgot that.
Larry and I in Smithville right before Christmas.
4.Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I’ll be the first to tell you two things: 1. Absence sucks. 2. Distance sucks. But as much as I hate to admit it, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. My boyfriend and I don’t live very close to each other. He lives in Quinton and I live in Washington Township…it’s around an hour away. Due to our work schedules, we normally only see each other just once a week. Because we can’t see each other as often as we’d like, the time we do spend together becomes more special. We always get so excited when we see each other. If I’m seeing him on Saturday I often struggle to fall asleep on Friday because I get too excited to sleep. I’m like a kid on Christmas.
My boyfriend is a truck driver. Currently, he’s training and has to do 275 hours of driving. It should take about a month and a half. He’s been gone for two weeks and I miss him so much. Sometimes I call him and just cry. It’s very hard and I miss him so much. And I still have several weeks to go before I can see him again. But I know that the next time I see him will be the best time I’ve ever seen him. I’ll hug him a little tighter, kiss him a little harder, and love him even more. I’ve already warned him I’ll probably tackle him when I see him next. Being away from each other for so long will just make us appreciate each other and our time together more even more.
Another picture of Larry and I in Smithville
5. Honesty is the best policy. My relationship with my boyfriend has always been founded on honesty. It’s not always easy to come clean and be honest about our lives, where we’ve been, where we are now, but it’s a necessity. I won’t go into details, this is for us to worry about. But there’s been nights when we first got together where I really opened up to my boyfriend, poured my heart out, and became outright vulnerable. I had to ask for forgiveness of past mistakes, and my boyfriend was more than willing to give it to me, no questions asked. The fact that we can be open and honest with each other has allowed us to build trust and become even closer to each other.
And not only are we honest about our relationship with each other, but with others as well. We met online, and though he’s not the first person I dated online, this is the first time I can come out and say “Yes, I met my boyfriend on OKCupid.” Because as my boyfriend taught me, why hide it? There’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of with it. In 2015, is it really worst to meet your significant other online than in a bar? We never did anything wrong meeting online. Was it risky? Yes, it was, but so are all relationships. I just know that OKCupid is what helped me meet my best friend and the love of my life.
Larry and I at the Newsboys concert in October. This was one of my favorite dates. I told him I was in love with him that night.
6. There is no “I” in “Team”. My boyfriend taught me to view our relationship as a team effort right from the get-go and I’ve always loved that. He always said we’re teammates and we work together to love and support each other — and we’ve always done a great job with that. We’ve never really had an argument. We work through life’s trials and tribulations together as a team.
I told him I was thinking about getting a cochlear implant in the end of September. We’ve been dating for about two weeks at the time. I was implanted in November, after being together for just two months. He’s been there every step of the way. Even when I had stitches in my head, was too dizzy to walk, couldn’t stay awake for more than a half hour at a time, couldn’t hear anything, and couldn’t wash my greasy hair for 10 days, he was still supportive, loved me, and told me I was beautiful. I had to heal for a month before being activated and couldn’t hear. I didn’t want to go out or do things and I couldn’t listen to music or watch movies. I wasn’t much fun, but we still made it work. He was patience, loving, understanding, and an amazing team player.
Now it’s my turn. He’s away for training for his new truck driving job with Werner. I have to be understanding of him being away for long periods of time including holidays like Valentine’s Day. It’s hard, but I know in the end it will be worth it — this is his career and his future and it makes him happy. Some days I get really emotional, but I try to support him the best that I can and I let him know that I’m proud of him and I support him and can’t wait to have him back home. We are a team and we’re in it all together.
Larry and I at a Halloween party at his Aunt’s house. We dressed up as teammates… You can’t see it too well but our shirts match. I’m Apple Sauce and he’s Awesome Sauce (our nicknames for each other). I was number 13 (the date we started dating… September 13th) and he was 75 (Sometimes we say 14375 or 14355 to each other… 14375 is “I love you Awesome Sauce” and 14355 is “I love you Apple Sauce”. )
My boyfriend is the greatest man I ever knew. On Friday, the 13th we will have been together for 5 months — my longest relationship ever (also his, but it’s been his longest relationship since month 2 lol). He’s taught me a lot in these past 5 months and I know we’ll learn many more important life lessons together in the next days, months, and years we spend together.