For the past 3 or 4 weeks my young adult Bible study group has been going through Gary Chapman’s famous book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. I was super excited when Pastor Eddie suggested that we go through this book together. I have heard many great things about the book but never read it. In fact, when Evan and I first started dating, even before we were officially an item, he revealed to me that his primary love language was Words of Affirmation. He also mentioned that one of the ways he preferred to give love was through Acts of Service. This all sounded good to me at the time, but now that I’ve actually read the book and discovered my own love language I am able to fully understand what it means.
The five different love languages are as follows:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation means that you prefer your partner or peers show love to you by giving you compliments or saying nice things about you. Being told that you look nice or that you did a nice job on a task are the kinds of things that would make you feel the most loved. In contrast, if someone uses words against you such as by saying negative things about you or being overly critical of your work you will not feel loved. I originally thought that this was my primary love language. It turns out it was neither my primary or secondary love language. However, it’s one I still find to be important.
For Evan, having Words of Affirmation as a primary love language means that I need to choose my words carefully when I communicate with him. It’s very important for me to send him texts throughout the day to let him know I am thinking of him and that he means a lot to me. For Christmas this year I wrote him a series of letters to open during different times of his life. These are letters to help him through bad or tough times, to lift him up and help him to feel encouraged or to simply make him feel good. With Words of Affirmation as a primary love language, these series of letters were the perfect gift for Evan.
On the flip side, if I were to get in an argument with Evan my words could become my most powerful weapon against him. Speaking out of frustration and using negative words and phrases like “How could you be so stupid?” Or “I really hate when…” would severely impact him and likely send him into a state of depression for days, even if I didn’t mean what I was saying at the time. Knowing this will make me much more cautious of how I speak to Evan even when I am angry. This will help me to love him better because I will be loving him in his own love language.
Evan always mentioned that Acts of Service was one of his favorite ways to show love. I’ll admit I didn’t quite understand what that meant until I read this book. Acts of Service means essentially helping your loved one with chores or tasks around the home; things that aren’t much fun but need to get done. Evan will often ask me if I have any errands I’d like him to take care of for me if he’s off of work on a day that I’m not (such as MLK day). I always say no, but I appreciate the gesture.
Evan also always says how he likes to imagine in the future when we’re married him going out and doing things for me such as picking up groceries or helping with laundry or dishes. These will all be considered Acts of Service.
However, Acts of Service is not my primary or secondary love language. I appreciate it, but to use Chapman’s own metaphor it’s not what’s going to “fill my love tank”. Evan might like to perform acts of service to show his love for me, but I’ll need something more to feel loved by him since Acts of Service is not my primary or secondary love language. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts taught us both not just how we prefer to be loved, but how we need to communicate love to each other in order to strengthen our relationship.
Quality Time is Evan’s secondary love language and mine as well. This took me a little bit as a surprise since I didn’t expect it to be either my primary or secondary love language. Prior to dating Evan I dated a truck driver that was never home and prior to that I was in a long-distance relationship with someone who lived over 1,000 miles away, so naturally I never saw him either. Throughout most of my relationship with Evan so far I’ve spent a lot of time both working and in school, so I don’t always get to see Evan as much as I’d like to. For these reasons I assumed quality time must not be quite as important to me and I definitely assumed wrong. Suddenly it makes a lot more sense why my past relationships didn’t work out and why I get so excited to see Evan and why I literally crave our Friday nights in when it’s just the two of us and we don’t see our friends or leave the house or do much of anything.
Quality time is about seeing each other and spending time together of course, but it’s about so much more than that. It’s about really being with each other – really focusing on each other and not letting the outside world distract you when you’re together. It’s about making memories together and having a strong emotional bond, even when you’re not doing anything at all.
I always feel loved and cherished when I get to go on a special trip with just Evan and they always leave me feeling closer to him. So far we’ve been to Philly a few times, the shore, DC, and NYC together. I am hoping to go to Baltimore with him for my birthday and we’ve talked about taking some other trips together in the future.
Also, as I already mentioned our Friday night dates always mean a lot to me because we get to just focus on each other. Normally we stay in on Fridays and eat at home and just watch TV/movies together. However, last Friday we decided to go out after having a stressful week and desperately needing a release. Because our phones wouldn’t stop ringing and stressing us out, we made the joint decision to both turn out phones off for the night. We had a fun, stress-free night out where we were solely focused on each other. That is the definition of quality time.
For Evan he just wants to see me. He doesn’t care if it’s 5 minutes or 5 hours. For him getting to see me is what will calm him stories, make him feel loved and simply make him feel better. Just as words of affirmation can be used negatively and cause pain, so can quality time. I remember times when Evan got very upset because he was hoping to see me but unfortunately I couldn’t see him because I was too overwhelmed with work or school.
On the flip side, we’ve both had times where we met our secondary love language needs of quality time when I was having a bad day and he came over for twenty minutes just to pray with me and spend time with me until I calmed down and felt a bit better.
Receiving Gifts is the love language I always felt the most weird about and never imagined would be even remotely close to being my primary or secondary love language. I thought that Receiving Gifts was selfish and that if that was someone’s love language it meant that they were a spoiled brat that was simply using their mate for money and presents.
Boy, was I wrong. I am thankful that Chapman was able to open my eyes and help me to realize it’s okay to like and appreciate gifts and to feel the most loved when someone gives you a gift. Not all gifts have to cost money, and most of the time the very best gifts don’t cost anything at all.
After realizing this I am no longer ashamed to admit that Receiving Gifts is actually my primary love language.
I feel the most loved when people give me gifts because it shows me that they went out of their way to do something special for me to make me smile. If it cost money, I was worth the investment. If it didn’t cost money, then chances are it still involved a lot of time, thought, and consideration.
Evan has given me some really nice gifts over the past 16 or so months such as my Tiffany’s charm and my silver pendant. He’s also done some smaller things that mean just as much to me like writing me a lovely poem and buying me a gallon of ice cream (and then driving all the way to my house to deliver it) when he knew I was having a bad day. To me these are some of the sweetest gestures and these are things I think back and reflect on that make me feel the most loved.
Evan would never guess that receiving gifts is my primary love language (heck, I wouldn’t have even guessed that – it took me by surprise, too!). It might take him some time to adjust to this knowledge. The last thing in the world I would want for him would be to see him run out and by me some elaborate gift because he thinks that’s the only way I’ll feel loved by him. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
Something small like picking up groceries at the store for us to have dinner or writing another poem or a love letter or even picking me a flower from his own front yard would all be very much appreciated gifts for me. I like these physical, tangible objects that I can touch, feel, smell, or look at. Little reminders that they came from him and he bought/made/created it because he loves me.
Last but not least is the love language of Physical Touch. This is another love language that made me feel awkward because I, like many others, typically think of Physical Touch on a sexual level. Knowing that Chapman is a Christian and that his book is possible in Christian circles (hence why my Bible study group chose it) made it even more awkward. Maybe it’s because I’m not married, but I can’t help but view sex as being sinful and having that as a primary love language being lustful.
But the truth is, it’s not like that at all. Sure, sex falls under the category of Physical Touch, but it’s not the only form of physical touch. There’s hugging, kissing, cuddling, and even just the brush of the cheek or the gentle pat on the shoulder or back rub. While physical touch is neither my primary or secondary language, it is still one that is pretty important to me. There’s nothing better than that moment where I see Evan for the first time in a week and he gives me a big hug and kiss to greet me. I will also never grow tired of constantly holding his hand or falling asleep in his arms when we watch TV together after church on Sundays.
I think that all five love languages should be spoken in every relationship for the greatest chance of success. However, knowing you and your partners primary and secondary love languages and choosing to speak them to each other will certainly make your bond much stronger and will keep what Chapman defines as the “love tanks” constantly full. You don’t have to be a Christian to appreciate The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. You also don’t necessarily need to be in a relationship. This is a book that anyone can benefit from as it will teach you to love and understand everyone better – from your spouse to your friends to even your children or co-workers. 5 out of 5 stars, highly recommend.
Today my bible plan told me to read Chapters 11 and 12 of 1 Corinthians. I was definitely excited to see this on my bible plan for today because 1 Corinthians is my favorite book of the bible. This book has taught me so much about what it means to be a Christian woman and the roles of a man and a woman and the relationship they should have with one another and with God.
When I read these chapters today, verses 4-15 of 1 Corinthians surprised and confused me at first. These verses say that women must keep their heads covered at all times, whereas men are to keep their heads uncovered. The first thing that came to mind was honestly Muslim women. They must always keep their heads covered – is this the same thing? Have I been dishonoring God my whole life? Are the Muslim women onto something?
I breathed a sigh of relief when I read verse 15 which states, “But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.” This verse seems to confirm that by a “covering” all that is really meant is hair. But what about women with short hair? Are they dishonoring God? How short is too short?
I decided to Google this issue for more information. Here are 3 sources I looked at:
I feel like most of these sources say “we don’t really know” combined with “it was a cultural thing”. I am leaning towards it being a cultural tradition or custom. If we look back to scripture in verse 2 Paul states, “Now I praise you, brethren, that ye remember me in all things, and keep the ordinances, as I delivered them to you.”
Here, the word “ordinances” stands out the most. I assume an ordinance is a tradition, but what does Google say?
Okay, so not quite tradition but rather law – something much more serious. But whose law is it? Is it God’s law or is it the church’s? Context is everything here. I believe it was church law at the time since Paul is talking to the church of Corinth and helping them to remember their first love – the church. He is helping them to restructure since their church was filled with so much sin and unworthy of honor. In this verse then, Paul is praising them for holding the ordinances – or laws – of the church…the laws that Paul has put into place for them.
Verse 16 also stands out to me where it says, “But if any man seem to be contentious, we have no such custom, neither the church of God.” Two words stand out to me here: church and custom. I think of the word “custom” the same way that I think of the word “ordinance” – as meaning “tradition”. However, I was wrong about the definition of ordinance, so I could just as well be wrong about the definition of the word “custom”, so let’s look at Google.
Oh look at that – I was right on this one! Paul’s use of the word “custom” here shows he was talking about a tradition. Furthermore, he was talking about a tradition that is very specific for that time period. I believe this means that it’s not a defined, universal law for all of mankind meant to survive the test of time, but rather it was a church law for this specific church or this specific region (the people of Corinth) during that specific time. We can’t know exactly how specific this law was for the people or exactly how Paul intended us to interpret it, but I think it’s safe to assume that this law was for a specific time period. The word “church” used in this verse further confirms that it was a church tradition, not a law ordered by God.
So, where does that leave us and women in the church today? Well, I don’t think it’s “wrong” for women to adhere to this old custom and to choose to wear a head covering, but they also aren’t required to. I think it’s their choice. However, I think that the head covering was a symbol during that time that pledges a woman’s loyalty to her husband. Verses 13-15 states, “Judge in yourselves: is it comely that a woman pray unto God uncovered? Doth not even nature itself teach you, that, if a man have long hair; it is a shame unto him? But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.” The covering was something specific for women that men were not meant to wear. I think our society/culture has created its own version of that today. Some of the above sources I looked at say that it’s wedding rings, but I don’t think that is quite right because men wear wedding rings, too. However, I think they are on the right tract. This is what I think it is:
Yes, I know sometimes men will wear an engagement ring these days, but it is still far less common and by some even considered “taboo”. Male engagement rings are also usually much more masculine than female engagement rings (the traditional diamond ring). In the past when Paul was talking to the church of Corinth the head coverings were meant for married women to wear as a symbol of their loyalty to their husbands. I think the engagement ring has the same purpose in our culture today. A woman who is about to be married wears it to show her loyalty to her husband. Once the woman is married she adds a wedding ring but the woman usually wears the engagement ring with the wedding ring. Either way, it is still a symbol of her loyalty to her husband.
Another verse from chapter 11 that stood out to me was verse 17 that states, “Now in this that I declare unto you I praise you not, that ye come together not for the better, but for the worst.” Here Paul is condemning the church of Corinth for saying that the church is not uniting in a way that lifts up the congregation, but rather, it tears them down. When I read this I thought of the people of Corinth staring at women and whispering things like “Look at her hair, it’s not nearly long enough!” (assuming that the head covering was a woman’s hair and not an actual head piece). What good would that do? Paul is saying we shouldn’t be quick to judge and gossip and bring down people in the church, but instead we should unite and help each other out, for we are the body of Christ and when one member stumbles it is our job to help them back up.
1 Corinthians Chapter 12 further discusses the body of Christ and the role of the church and its members. In verse 26 Paul says, “And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it, or one member be honored, all the members rejoice with it. Now ye are the body of Christ, and members in particular.” This reminds me of what Pastor Lex DeLong has preached – we are all united in Christ. We are one body of Christ and when one of our brothers and sisters of Christ falls, we all fall. When one of us rejoices, we all rejoices. We are all made up of one.
I don’t think this is the case in a lot of churches today and that makes me really sad. There are too many churches that are quick to judge, scorn, and gossip when one of the members sins or goes through a rough patch in life. Not only is that unbiblical, but I think that is sin in itself. God doesn’t want us to scorn other church members. I think he would want us to confront the individual and to help them to correct their behavior, but that’s it. The key word here: help. He would want us to help our brother or sister in Christ back up and if we’re gossiping and judging, that is not helping.
When I read these verses I also felt extremely thankful and blessed to belong to such a wonderful church now – Washington Baptist Church in Turnersville, NJ. We are not perfect, as nobody is except God, but I do believe that we are doing an incredible job with striving to become the kind of church Paul talks about in the bible in chapters like Corinth. I know that from my experience being a member of this church we are a group of people that make up the body of Christ that really does care for and love one another. Some churches I’ve been to and you’re just another nameless face. Yes, our church is small, but I truly believe that even if we grew exponentially, this would still be the kind of church where everyone takes the time to get to know everyone and to pray for each other. When someone is hurting in the church, we all feel it and when someone is succeeding, we feel their joy. We’ve cried together as a church, but we’ve also laughed, smiled, rejoiced, and ate way more than we probably should (we’re a church that really loves food :)).
Are you looking for a new church to attend? Washington Baptist Church would love to have you! Come join us for Sunday School on Sundays at 9:30 followed by our sermon at 10:30. For more information:
I was off of all jobs today so it was one of the rare occasions when I was able to wear a t-shirt and jeans. I embraced the opportunity by wearing one of my new Jeremy Camp shirts that I purchased at the concert I attended on April 29th that I briefly wrote about in my last blog. The shirt is all black and white and it says on it “I want my life to be only Christ in Me”. The phrase was taken from Jeremy Camp’s song, “Christ In Me”.
The official music video for Jeremy Camp’s “Christ In Me”, which my shirt is based off of.
Even though today was my day off, I had many places to go and errands to run. One of these errands included a trip to ShopRite for groceries. As my dad and I were bagging the cashier asked me about my shirt. It took me a few minutes to realize she was talking to me because it was hard to hear her (If you’ve ever been to the Glassboro ShopRite then you should know how loud that store can get). The woman asked me where I got my shirt from so I told her it was a Jeremy Camp concert and she told me that she recognized the song from somewhere.
The woman and I then continued to share stories of different Christian musicians we’ve seen live including Danny Gokey, TobyMac, Casting Crowns, Natalie Grant, the Newsboys, and various others. She told me about something called Loop Events and she wrote down the website on some receipt paper to give to me.
She briefly explained what it was to me. Through Loop Events people like me and her can volunteer to help out at different Christian concerts and tours. It is a way to use your God-given talents and skills to help reach others that attend these shows, people who may not be yet saved. The volunteers might help to sell merchandise for the artist or give out information on sponsoring a child for an organization that specializes in that or help pass out information from KLove or another Christian radio station. It may not sound like much, but it gives you an opportunity to interact with people even if just for a few minutes or even seconds and those minutes or seconds can be life-changing, even if just for one out of thousands of people. That one conversation, that 1 person can make the biggest difference sometimes.
The woman also told me how tough it could be sometimes to work as a cashier at ShopRite. She was an older woman – I’d say probably about 60, and as a former cashier myself, I definitely sympathized with her. However, she said, “Everyone tells me God has me here for a reason, but sometimes it’s hard especially when I’m not really supposed to talk about him to people”. I loved how she tried to look at her job, one that she wasn’t too fond of (not many of us are fond of cashier jobs) in a positive light and as a way that can be used to worship and honor God and share his word (even though it’s not always easy). That to me was inspirational and commendable. I also understood all too well how relieved she must have felt to see me coming in wearing a Jeremy Camp shirt and therefore almost giving her permission to share her faith with me. I feel that a lot too. It’s hard to be a Christian in today’s society because our current society seems so determined to shut God out. Opportunities like this one to share the gospel and our love for Christ seem to becoming few and rare between.
When I got home tonight I looked up Loop Events. Unfortunately there aren’t any opportunities around me to volunteer at the moment, but I will keep an eye out. I would love to volunteer; I go to mostly all of these local shows anyway and I’d love to share my faith in Christ and connect with other concert-goers and perhaps make some friends along the way.
Have any of you guys used Loop before? If so – what was your experience like?
Today I read chapters 9-10 of 1 Corinthians. There were several parts of chapter 10 that really stood out to me. The first verse that caught my attention was one that I have previously highlighted and it is 1 Corinthians 10:21 which states, “Ye cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of devils: ye cannot be partakes of the Lord’s table, and of the table of devils.” What this verse means is we have to be careful who we choose to spend our time with, what activities we decide to partake in, and really what we VALUE in this world. Do we value God or do we value man? You can have God or the world, but you can’t have both things.
This reminds me a lot of the Jeremy Camp song, “Give Me Jesus”. I saw Jeremy Camp perform a phenomenal show at Living Waters church in Burlington last weekend and the words really stayed with me in this song in particular. The words of this song are very simple and it works. Perhaps that was Camp’s point even – to strip the song of the bare necessities – Jesus. The chorus simply states, “Give me Jesus. Give me Jesus, Give me Jesus. You can have all this world, Just give me Jesus” (Camp). If you’re a Christian and you are truly saved and truly choose to follow God and to live in Christ, that’s all you need in the world. When we die and go to heaven nothing here on Earth is going to matter; the only thing that matters is our love and belief in Christ.
Here is a lyric video featuring Jeremy Camp’s “Give Me Jesus”. Thanks to iamSB for posting it on YouTube!
Another passage that stood out to me was 1 Corinthians 10: 26 which states, “For the earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof.” God created this earth and everything on it including all of mankind. We need to honor God in all that we do and remember to whom we belong. This ties in with verse 31, “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” As Christians and disciples of God we need to consider our actions and how we live our lives and the things we choose to partake in each day. Are we glorifying and honoring God? Do our actions show us as being God’s people? Can everyone see Christ in us?
1 Corinthians 10 concludes with verse 33 which states, “Even as I please all men in all things, not seeking mine own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved.” It is important for us to live Godly lives and to act in a way and to live in a way that is god-pleasing and god-honoring so that people will see Christ in us so that we may reach those who are not saved and to help to bring them to Christ. This doesn’t mean we have to be perfect; we will never be perfect. It just means that we will strive to be the people that God created us to be and that people will see Christ in us and be so inspired by our lives and the way we live in Christ, that they will be compelled to follow Christ, too.
The controlling values of 1 Corinthians 10 might look something like this:
Purpose: We must reject the world to follow God.
Context: Following the world will cause us to sin, commit idolatry, and separate us from God.
The opposing controlling values may look like this:
Purpose: Following the world will give us more opportunities and grant us higher status among society.
Context: Chasing materialistic worldly things can never fully satisfy us; only the love and grace of a savior can fulfill us.
Actually, looking at that again now after letting it sit, perhaps the opposing controlling value may be:
Purpose: If we don’t follow the world, we will be missing out.
Context: Following the world closes the door on God where we will receive better gifts than what the world can give us.
Am I living a Christ-focused life? I want to think yes, but to be honest, this is something I need to work on. Attending a public university and juggling my Master’s courses with teaching and working full time can be a challenge. I am guilty of putting God on the backburner so I can do all of these other things when in reality God should always be my priority. When people look at me and my life, is God the first thing that comes to mind? I’d like to think so, but I can’t help but think they see me as being a student or a social media marketer first and a Christian second. I need to fix this.
These verses really touched me today because 1. I need to get back to reading my Bible on a daily basis and not just immersing myself in his word, but LIVING his word and living for Christ and not the world. Also, 1 Corinthians 10:33 reminds me so much of my mission statement and what I want to accomplish in life; to please God. I am writing a novel not for my own gain and not for my audience’s gain, but for the glory of God. Everything that I do in life is for God’s glory and to honor and serve him and to share his love and his word with others. This is something that is so easy to forget and something I need to be reminded of. When I grow tired and when I question my work and why I am doing this, I remember him. None of this is for me, it’s all for him and I am exactly where God wants me to be doing the things he wants me to do for him.
So… I’ve had a rather interesting week.
Casey tried to connect with me on LinkedIn on Wednesday.
Casey as in THE Casey. The one who I met on my 23rd birthday and fell hopelessly in love with. The one I had a crazy long distance relationship with. The one I loved with every ounce of my being.
The one that thought deleting me from social media and not answering my texts but then sending me a few sentences in an email on “why he did what he did” a few months later was an acceptable way to break up with me.
The one that broke up with me for no apparent reason.
The one that made me want to set myself on fire and watch my skin turn to ash as a way to relieve the pain I was feeling.
The one that broke me.
The one who wanted to get back together a few months later because they realized they made a horrible mistake.
The one I forgave.
The one that scared me.
The one I trusted.
The one my soul hungered for.
The one I was addicted to.
The one I swore was a gift from God to share my forever with.
The one who cheated.
The one who got engaged.
The one who got married.
The one with no apologies.
The one that suffocated me.
The one I would have gladly died for.
The one that made a mistake.
The one that got away.
The one that ruined my life.
The one that’s still married.
The one that just won’t go away.
Yes, that Casey.
My first instinct was to almost laugh at it. I couldn’t believe how pathetic the whole thing was. The ex from hell whom I refuse to talk to trying to add me on LinkedIn because he probably thinks that’s his best chance at staying connected with me. It’s barely a step above MySpace.
I let it sit in my inbox for a couple of days. I wanted him to know how it felt to wait. How it feels to not know. How it feels to try your hardest to reach someone who couldn’t care less about you.
I debated on whether or not I should accept it. I couldn’t bare the idea of going down this path and ending up crushed again. But a part of me wanted to be able to flaunt and dangle my successful career in front of his face to show him just to show him all that I can and did do without him; to show him just how much I really don’t need him.
The last time I talked to him was in October after ignoring a series of Facebook messages from him (we are not Friends on Facebook; he sent messages to my Facebook page). He told me he was miserable and that his wife didn’t appreciate him (there’s a feeling he’s taught me quite a lot about…). He called me the one that got away and said he had no one to blame but himself (no…You don’t say?). After I ignored 5 or more he finally made the mistake of saying, “I wish you would talk to me. I miss you.”
But I didn’t want to hear it.
In the past I may have been different. More trusting. More forgiving. More understanding. Excited to hear from him. Excited at the possibility of getting back together.
In the past I would’ve had hope.
Because I loved you.
I can forgive many things but I can’t forgive you for marrying her. Especially not when you’re still married.
I told Casey off when I received that message in October. It was like every wound on my heart had been reopened and this time instead of having a heart of love, I had a heart of pain ready to attack before it even stood the change of taking on any additional pain.
This is what I said with his response at the bottom:
I thought that settled it. I never imagined this would still be going on now, another 2 months after sending that message and just a few days after he “celebrated” his 2 year wedding anniversary with his wife. Actually, thinking of it that way makes me sick. For someone that claims so much to be a “disciple of Jesus” you sure haven’t mastered the whole “Love thy wife” part…
I accepted Casey’s LinkedIn request a few days after he sent it. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s a part of me that wanted to show him just how much I didn’t need him. Maybe I had hope still for him for some reason. Maybe I wanted something to happen. I don’t know.
But when Casey followed me on Twitter the day after, I know how I felt: scared.
Scared that this was all going to start over again. Scared that a marriage was ending and I’d be to blame. Scared that I was going to ruin the life I’ve gotten comfortable living – alone. Scared that this time would somehow be the worst than the last two times.
I thought about everything very deeply. For a few days, I couldn’t sleep. On the one hand, it was the same old, same old and I’d be a fool to go back to it. On the other hand, what if this was the one time things were going to be different and I was giving up on the one I was meant to be with?
I thought about it over and over and over and talked with some friends. And this is what I learned:
He didn’t love me.
He didn’t love me before we started dating, after we started dating, after we met, before we met, when we met, or now.
I loved him more than anything.
But he didn’t love me, nor will he ever.
No matter what you do for someone, regardless of how much you love them, you can’t make them love you. It doesn’t work like that.
And it’s not worth my time or energy any more and things aren’t how they were when I was 22. One of us is married. The other one is in a deeply committed relationship with work and school and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let anyone stand in the way of reaching my goals.
When I was 22 I had the whole world in front of me. I worked as a crummy cashier at the local Walmart begging for an escape. I thought you were that escape. There was nothing in the world more thrilling and exciting than being a 22 year old new college grad with a 32 year old long distance boyfriend. When I graduated I was so excited about the possibilities and what the future held not just for me, but for you, too; for us. I thought we’d take over the world – travel together, open a business, be our own boss. Be entrepreneurs and both business and life partners.
But it’s not what you wanted, obviously.
You were selfish back then.
Now, it’s my turn to be selfish.
I want to earn my MA.
I want to work 2 or more jobs at a time.
I want to dedicate more time to my church.
I want to study hard and harder and earn a Ph.D..
I want to teach.
i want to write and publish a book.
I want to move to Philly.
I want to move to Cincinatti.
I want to big time editor for some fancy NYC magazine.
I want to move to California.
I want to work 80 hours a week because I can.
I don’t want anyone to tell me who to be or what to do.
I don’t want to waste my time on you (I’ve wasted too much time already).
I want to be selfish like you.
I feel no guilt.
I feel no shame.
No sympathy for you.
We’re not meant to be together.
You’re not my lover.
You’re not my friend.
You are most certainly not “the one”.
And you don’t love me.
Because you don’t leave the people you love.
You don’t destroy the people you love.
And it took me awhile,
But I don’t love you like I did yesterday.
And I’m tired.
And I’m sick.
And all the hell you put me through.
And I’m done.
I’m so, so, so, done.
And so, so, so ready to go on being a little selfish and to live this life without you.
And here is what I want from you:
Please. Please. Please.
LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
I have nothing more to say to you that hasn’t already been said.
This has burnt up in flames many times over.
It’s time to leave the the ashes along so the dust can settle
And this can finally, finally, maybe die and be over with.