Writer, Christian, SEO/Social Media Marketer, Book Reviewer, Deaf and Loud.

Category Archives: depression

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Image Credits: Pinterest

Yesterday I wrote part 1 of day 3 of the 30-day writing challenge about my awkward first kiss experience and the painful experiences that stemmed from that. Today I will finish the writing prompt with part 2 about my first love, who just so happened to be a con artist out for more than just my heart.

My first love obviously wasn’t my first boyfriend or my first crush even and as I stated yesterday, definitely not my first kiss. But those who really know me will not at all be surprised when I tell you the name.

It was the one and only, Casey Fraites.

I’ve written about Casey one hundred thousand times over in the past. I explained about how much it hurt when he left me and I explained why, despite the fact that he hurt me, I still loved him.  I also detailed my frustrations with him and how I was “done trying” (which we all know was an outright lie.)

I met Casey online in 2011. At the time I was finishing up my last year of college as a dual English/Writing Arts major, working full time, and interning for a few companies like Bit Rebels in hopes of building up my writing portfolio and landing a decent job post-college. I wasn’t a fan of online dating at the time. I just got out of a terrible, abusive relationship with someone I met online and I thought that online dating was for the desperate/weak and I thought it was “fake”, mainly because that’s everything that my relationship with Alec has been previously.

But with Casey, it was all different. I didn’t meet him through online dating. I met him through my writing — my greatest joy, love, and passion in life. And I didn’t throw myself at him or he at me. Nothing was rushed or forced at all. We never had any intentions of having things work out like this…or at least, that was never my initial intention…

When I first “met” Casey I didn’t really see him as anything more than a fan. I was starting to write more and more for Bit Rebels at that time and I had a few articles go viral. I was definitely beginning to succeed in “getting my name out there”. A few of my fans followed me on social media. I didn’t really think anything of it.

But Casey was the only “fan”that really talked to me and seemed to really pay attention to me beyond just my Bit Rebels articles.

It was hardly anything at first, but then we got talking more and more frequently about more and more things. He was becoming a very good friend to me, despite never had met him in person. And I liked him. I liked him a lot. And I was beginning to sense that he liked me too. But I just dismissed it. I was 22 and Casey was 33. I also lived in NJ and Casey lived in Florida. It’s not like anything could ever happen between us…right?

Even though I knew I had feelings for Casey, I didn’t think it made any sense to act on them or that anything would ever come from it, so I did what any other 22 year old would do…I left myself open and available for  anyone else.

In the Fall of 2011, I found my someone else.

I’d rather not say the name of that person because it’s someone who is still a casual friend of mine and that person is engaged and expecting a child with someone else right now. I don’t want to focus on our past and cause any drama or anything. I’ll just say what’e necessary to say here: we dated for a month. We had SO much in common, but when it came to our morals and where we were in life, we clashed. Probably because I was 23 and he was 32. He lived and experienced so much in life and I was just a kid. So we broke up.

Breaking up with he who shall not be named was the best decision we could have made, but the timing was awful. We broke up less than a week before Thanksgiving and it seemed to have come from nowhere. I wasn’t really expecting it. While I’m fine with it now and we’re sort of friends, I was pretty pissed about the breakup when it first happened. Who dumps their girlfriend unexpectedly right before the holidays? (Okay, lots of people do, sadly, but it doesn’t make it any less awful…)

Casey came to my rescue right after I broke up with he-who-should-not-be-named.He backed off a bit when we were dating. I think he was jealous and a bit hurt by my actions, but he’d never come right out and say that. How could he? I mean, he lived in Florida and I lived in NJ and I was single and free to date whoever I wanted, right? Age was no longer an issue…he-who-should-not-be-named was about the same age.

I missed Casey when I dated he-who-should-not-be-named. Casey and I were beginning to talk on a nightly basis and were growing really close. It was never like that in my relationship with he-who-should-not-be-named. I wished he was Casey the whole time, if I’m being honest with myself.

I remember a few days after announcing my breakup, I admitted to someone, I’m fine. It sucks and I wish it could’ve waited until after the holidays…but he’s not Casey. I want Casey. God, why does he have to live 1,000 miles away?

When you love someone though, distance really doesn’t matter, even if it is 1,000 miles.

With my newly single status, Casey and I were free. Free to feel whatever we wanted. Free to talk whenever, wherever, and however we wanted.

We’d talk throughout the day and every night was like our “alone time”. We talked about everything. I’d vent about my frustrations working as a cashier at Walmart. He’d tell me about the great things he was grilling. We’d talk about the future, all of the places we wanted to go, things we wanted to see. I’d talk about my writing and he’d talk about his film. We had one big thing in common – we both loved social media and SEO. We both wanted to work in the field.

Casey seemed perfect to me. He was everything I ever wanted in a man, and I was suddenly falling in love with him.

I was going through some hard times in my life, too, and Casey was always there to listen. He was always there to make it better. Often times, he seemed like the only one that could make it better.

By March of 2012 I knew I was madly, wildly, and passionately in love with him.

I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but on April Fool’s Day – April 1, 2012, we made it official. He was my boyfriend. And I told him I loved him. He said he couldn’t say it back but I didn’t care. He just was too scared. He didn’t want to hurt me. But I knew how I felt. I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and soul and every fiber of my being. I loved him more than anything in the world. I didn’t have to know him IRL to know how I felt.

We started dating on April Fool’s Day. It was the perfect metaphor for our entire relationship. The joke really was on me. Now I think I will forever hate April Fool’s Day. Casey ruined it for me.

Casey loved to travel and would do it often. I was beyond thrilled when I found out he planned to travel to NJ to see me. He managed to book a flight and a hotel for my birthday week…the week of May 8, 2012. His first day in NJ would actually be on my birthday.

My parents were a bit less than thrilled by the news. My friends were excited for me though. They knew it was completely insane, but they also knew how serious I was about Casey and that I really did love him. Some of my friends even though it was oddly romantic – like the crazy kind of love story you’d only find in a Shakespeare play. They rooted for us from a distance.

There were a few complication with Casey’s travel plans. Everything with his rental car kind of fell through, so he didn’t have a car the entire time. I didn’t have a license or drive either, so we relied on my parents to drive us around. We were kind of limited on where we could go for those reasons. Casey also booked a hotel in Cherry Hill…a little far from my house and in a high-traffic area, to make things worst.

Despite some changes in plans and unexpected, unfortunate events, my birthday still ended up being okay. I met Casey for the first time and he was everything I thought he would be — exactly as he said he’d be online. I’ll admit I was a little disappointed that he didn’t buy me a gift or flowers or even a card for my birthday, but I tried to dismiss it and just tell myself that him being there for a few days was my gift — the hotel, flight, etc. had to be expensive, and I didn’t pay him anything at all for it.

Casey spent three days with me in NJ. They were simple, but at the time, they were the best three days of my life. On the first day we went to the mall and then my favorite diner. We spent most of the time just talking and I remember we sang and danced to “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys when it came on the radio. My parents didn’t like Casey. When we went out to dinner, a war almost broke out between my dad and Casey. He said something stupid my dad didn’t like. I never knew what it was. I didn’t have my cochlears and couldn’t hear well at the time, but I could see the look on my parents face and knew it wasn’t good. At all. My mom gritted her teeth and told my dad to shut up because it was my birthday and she didn’t want him to ruin it and she also knew how much Casey meant to me.

For the rest of the time, my dad tolerated Casey, but he never liked him. He’d drive us back and forth for our “dates”, but he was never particularly happy about it especially since it meant getting stuck in heavy Cherry Hill traffic and Casey always managed to be late. How someone could be late without a car living in just a hotel for three days is beyond me…but considering the type of person I later discovered him to be…maybe it’s not so strange after all…

On the second day Casey and I went to a book signing for some of my professor’s at Rowan and listened to them speak. Casey was fascinated by Rowan. It was a University, which I get the impression he never went to before…he’s only been to like trade schools, community colleges, etc. He bought me a Florida state shirt, too. It was like we were exchanging pieces of each other. I didn’t even care that it was baby pink, a color I’m not usually particularly found of. I liked it because it was like a piece of him, and wearing it would make me feel like he was with  me, even when he was more than 1,000 miles away.

On our last night we went to the movies and then had Applebees for dinner. He held me so tightly when we said goodbye and promised he’d be back for his birthday which was less than 2 months away.He kissed me on the cheek. It was the most action I’ve gotten from him. I tried to kiss him prior, but he wouldn’t let me. Sometimes we’d hold hands, but even that was ehhh. He didn’t want me to touch him much, which was kind of weird because I was technically his girlfriend and he lived 1,000 miles away…it wasn’t like I was going to see him again anytime soon…

Casey said he had a great time with me. He told his mom (he still lived at home) all about me. He thanked me for being a great host (which was kind of weird because I mean I thought I was more than that…I was supposed to be his girlfriend, right?)

When he went back home though, things with us started to drastically change.

He started interning for a digital marketing company and he went back to school, or so he claimed. He suddenly wasn’t available for me anymore.

Our conversations got less and less frequent.

Then they stopped altogether.

The next thing I knew, Casey was gone.

I was deleted from Facebook. Unfollowed on Twitter and Instagram.

He wouldn’t answer my texts.

I had a nervous breakdown. I went insane.

He never told me he was breaking up with me. He never gave me any explanation at all.

I found out he was fired from his internship. I tried to reach out to his friends, but they didn’t know what was going on, either. Some of my friends said he sounded like he might be suicidal, which scared me to death.

I blew up his phone. I tried to reach out to him on social media. I blogged. I emailed him.

I was so confused. I was so hurt. I was so lost. I was angry.

My anger prevailed the most at first. I would scream at him through caps lock about how screwed up his actions were and how he knew it was wrong and how I deserved an explanation. Then I’d apologize profusely for getting so angry. I just wanted to know what I did wrong to make him leave like that.

A few weeks later, he emailed me. It was a very short email. It basically said, “I’m sorry but this isn’t working. I’m busy and this distance thing sucks.”

I begged him not to leave me. I told him I could handle the distance, we could work it out. But it was useless.

I went completely insane.

I destroyed everything. The shirt he brought me? Shredded it. Destroyed the toy he bought my cat. Ripped up and destroyed all of the pictures. When I was done I layed in the middle of my bedroom floor with all of the destroyed things around me and cried. Hyperventilated. I felt like I was dying. I wanted to die. I imagined death to be a pleasure compared to the pain I was feeling.

I didn’t have any more physical products to destroy, so I spent the next few months destroying myself. I was horribly depressed. I just wanted to die. I was living for Casey. Without Casey in my life, how was life possibly worth living? I was so sure he was the one for me. God put him in my life so randomly, I believed it had to be a reason. He was meant to be my husband. I saw it…but why couldn’t he? He was making a huge mistake.

I tried so hard to get over him. I did so many things I am not proud of. And it never worked. Because there was only one Casey Fraites. But he was gone. I lost him and I had no idea why or how I lost him. I had no idea where I went wrong. But I spent every waking moment of my life over analyzing everything I ever said to him, trying to find out. I never came up with anything.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t give up on him or give up on us. Every couple of months, I’d try again to send him another e-mail or Facebook message or Tweet, hoping to get a response. But I never did.

That is, until December 31, 2012. Just a few short hours before the new year.

Suddenly, I got an email. Apologizing for everything. Wanting to be friends again. Begging for my forgiveness.

You should never start a new relationship on April Fool’s Day. That was my first mistake with Casey. You should also never take an ex back or forgive one or talk to one for the first time in over 7 months on New Year’s Eve. That was my second mistake.

Everyone tried to warn me that I was making a huge mistake. My mom was furious with me. “THE MAN DESTROYED YOU. IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT IN 2013? IS THIS REALLY HOW YOU WANT TO START A NEW YEAR — MAKING LAST YEAR’S MISTAKES? YOU WEREN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR AN EXPLANATION FOR THE LAST 7 MONTHS, NOW IT’S NEW YEARS EVE AND HE’S PROBABLY BEEN DRINKING AND HE WANTS TO APOLOGIZE? SCREW THAT.”

But I didn’t listen. I never do. The heart wants what it wants, and at that moment, my heart wanted Casey.

I told him it would take time, but I’d do my best to forgive him. I knew I still loved him with all of my heart and soul, but I was still so hurt from before and terrified of getting hurt again.

We’d talk. We followed each other on Twitter and Instagram again. It took me awhile to be ready for Facebook. We didn’t talk nearly as much as we did before. I was scared.

I felt like he was playing games with me and screwing with my help. He was horribly manipulative. One day I thought he loved me and that we were getting back together. The next day I thought he couldn’t care less about me and I was ready to permantly swear him off.

I went off on him and told him I was totally done. I couldn’t stand the confusion and the mind games anymore.

In less than 24 hours, I wrote him a heart-felt apology and begged him to take me back. He did. And promised to make more of an effort.

Actually, he took it a step further. He made travel plans. He was going to come to NJ to see me during spring break in April. I was totally on board with it, but I knew better than to tell anyone. NO ONE would support this, especially not after what he did to me the last time.

But then the plans changed. Casey didn’t have quite enough money to get to NJ. He’d meet me a little more than halfway – he’d come to D.C..

I never been to D.C. before. It wasn’t the closest place in the world for me, but compared to Florida, it was. I could get there by train. I could do it. No one would support it…so it would have to be a secret. I planned it all out. I had a friend volunteer to get me to the train station and help me to meet Casey there. I wrote a note for my parents to leave on my desk explaining where I’d be, for how long, and why I was doing it. “I know you don’t understand…but I love him and I have to do this. He’s the one. I know it. One day this will all make sense.” I wrote in my letter.

The trip never ended up happening. Casey told me his grandmom was sick and he had to stay home to take care of things and help his mom. But I didn’t buy it. I was so mad. I was so hurt. And I was so tired of hurting. I knew it was time to permantly write him off. But it wasn’t easy.

My mom did find the note. She wasn’t pleased.

She said she never ever would have allowed it. She knew more about Casey than I did. He wasn’t the great hero I thought he was.

Casey went bankrupt many, many times in his life. He was the business owner for many different businesses  which always failed. He worked many jobs, but none for ever more than a year (most were for less than 3 months at a time). He also went to many different schools.

Casey was a professional liar.

He was a con artist, and I was his victim.

Casey scammed me.

But he didn’t steal money from me or anything like that.

What he did was far worst.

He pretended to be the man of my dreams.He studied me as I wrote for Bit Rebels and he got to know me and what I want in life.

And he became that person for me. He was a phenomenal actor.

But it wasn’t real. None of it was.

I fell in love with the most beautiful lie in the world.

Oh, and Casey’s grandmom wasn’t sick. He actually did something huge in his life the weekend we were supposed to go away in DC.

Casey got engaged. To another random, hopeless girl from Ohio.

She didn’t live all that far from me, compared to the distance between Casey and I. She didn’t even look that much different and her age was closer to mine than his. She was very similar to me.

And I don’t believe he loves her, even though they’ve now been married for over a year. I don’t see love in him at all. And I feel so bad for that girl. Because I was her. But she’s even more far gone than I was. And her situation will be much more costly to get out of.

I didn’t necessarily get catfished from Casey. He was physically who he said he was, just not emotionally or personally.

But what happened to me was worst than being catfished. I fell in love with the man of my dreams — someone who was so perfect for me in every way possible…except for the fact that he didn’t exist. He wasn’t real.

But that person exists in my mind and I’m so in love with him. He is the standard in which all else will be compared to.

I have dated since it all went down with Casey and I’ve been in love with someone since him. I had my longest relationship that lasted for over a year with someone else that I loved very much. But I was never really sure if I loved him as much as I loved Casey, if I’m being completely honest. It was definitely close, but with Casey I felt this strange sense of hope that we could conquer the world together. I’m not sure I always felt that with Larry…sometimes I felt a bit of doubt that we could ever be like that.

It’s so frustrating. To have this feeling, to have this person, in my mind and in my heart that I’m in love with…who doesn’t even exist. I am holding out for the person who can make me feel what Casey made me feel…or something even better…when what I felt wasn’t even real. It’s probably not right to compare everyone to Casey…but I can’t help but do it. I can’t even explain it. It’s just how it is with me.

I can only hope and pray that one day, the “REAL” Casey will come around.

It won’t be the first love in my life, but maybe, if I’m lucky, it will be genuine, real, and the last love of my life.

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Image Credits: Careers Galaxy

Hi everyone and Happy May Day! It’s the start of a fresh new month filled with new writing possibilities! May has always been one of my favorite months because there are so many exciting things happening. My birthday is in exactly one week (yes, it’s Mother’s Day), the second draft of my novel, God Granted Me Hearing is almost complete, and there are several other projects in the works for me right now, some of which I currently have to stay mum on but I’ll discuss when the time is right.

For now, I’d like to kick off the month by doing a 30-day writing challenge I found posted on Facebook. Here’s the challenge for anyone else who is interested:

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Image Credits: The Writer’s Circle

As you can see, the first prompt is to write about 5 problems with social media. This is a little bit of a challenge for me since I make a living off of social media. However, while I love working with social media, even I am not immune to the fact that social media comes with several problems and drawbacks, too. Here are 5 problems with social media.

  1. It’s making us anti-social. It’s so easy to “like” things on Facebook and to comment on someone’s post or send them a message. When we have a screen separating us from people, we feel like we have protection and that makes us fearless. But what happens when we take away the screen? We lose our communication skills. Communicating online isn’t the same as communicating in real life. We as a society have gotten so good at communicating on social media that we forgot how to talk to each other in person. When we are alone with a group of our “friends” we often don’t know what to say, so we pull out our cell phones and talk to each other on Facebook or Twitter or send photos on SnapChat or Instagram instead. It’s pretty sad and well, depressing, which brings me to my next point…
  2. It depresses us. Thanks to social media, we are constantly made aware of what is going on in everyone else’s lives. We don’t really know these people or what their story really is. We probably don’t even ever talk to them. But we see the things that they post. We see the picture of their new expensive designer handbag. We hear about their new home, job promotion, new car. We see their engagement announcements and baby announcements. These are such happy, exciting times for those people, so why aren’t we happy for them? We are depressed instead of happy because rather than being happy for these people, we are forced to compare ourselves with them. We look at their lives and see how they compare to our own. Are we happy in love? Are we engaged or married and/or expecting a baby? Are we making the same amount of money? Are we as happy and successful as they are? While these people are often not on the same level as us (often times they are actually below us), we aren’t capable of seeing it that way. We only focus on what they have that we don’t have and then we devalue our own feelings of self worth and become depressed. Before social media, we didn’t have the ability to know so much about the people in our lives. We were happier before social media.

    3. It distorts the truth. On social media it is so easy to connect with anyone from any place in the world. This also means it is easy to become anyone in the world. How would anyone know? That random person you met online could actually be a terrorist. That 25 year old might be 55. The 18 year old could be 12. You don’t always know what’s true and what’s not.

    I learned this lesson the hard way. When I was in my early 20s, I met a man online through my work with Bit Rebels. He was in his early 30s. He was everything I ever wanted in a man and I loved him very much. He lived in Florida and I lived in NJ, which naturally posed some challenges for our relationship, but I did end up getting to meet him in person once when he came to NJ for a few days. We had a great time together. He really was the 32 year old Puerto Rican man from Florida that he said he was. However, personality and personal life wise, there were many things he hid from me. He was a con artist. He met many different women over the years just like me and he made himself the person that woman wanted. Then he would come home and break up with them and go on to the next one. He was also a failed businessman that has gone bankrupt multiple times and been fired from many jobs over the years. I never quite found out the truth about him, but I did learn a very important lesson; you can’t trust anyone online. No one is what they appear to be.

    4. It is being taken over by businesses.When is the last time you used social media without seeing a post or advertisement from a business? I can’t remember the last time I did. Even back in the last days of MySpace, businesses were starting to realize that if they wanted to reach people, they needed to be active on social media.

    I must admit I feel kind of guilty writing about this because I am part of the problem. I work in marketing and I market to people online such as through social media. I am fortunate and blessed that social media has had such a huge role in marketing because without it, I may not have a job. But at the same time, sometimes all of that marketing and all of those ads from businesses on social media gets really annoying and I yearn for the days when social media didn’t exist and I couldn’t be as easily marketed to.

    5. It’s highly addictive.I will be the first one to admit that I am highly addicted to social media. It’s so easy to become addicted because it’s always there. I have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest LinkedIn, and SnapChat all installed on my smart phone. My phone is constantly going off with notifications about someone on social media. I can and have on multiple occasions wasted an entire day doing nothing more than posting on Facebook. That’s no way of living life.

    I am getting much better with my social media addiction though. I realized there is more to life than social media and so much more that I want to do. I always say I don’t do things I enjoy because I don’t have time for them. Actually, that’s not always true. The truth is that I don’t do things I enjoy because I waste all of my time on social media.

    For the past couple of weeks I have been really limiting myself to how much time I spend on social media (with the exception of work related usage). Instead of constantly being on social media, when I’m not at work I try to abide by the following schedule: Read a chapter or two of a book, read the latest industry-relevant news posted on LinkedIn or Twitter (in this case social media is different, I’m not using it recreationally but for my career), color a picture (I love to color in adult coloring books – it relaxes me), read your bible, pray, clean the house, go for a walk or go to the gym, edit your book, write a blog post, watch TV.By the time I get all of these things done (It’s very rare that I have time in the day to do ALL of them), I don’t have time to waste on social media, and I’m more than okay with that. I have been much more productive as of late and I’ve also been much happier.


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Image Credits: CNN

As I sit here and right this tonight, I feel a mixture of emotions. I am very saddened because a close friend who is like a little brother to me is hurting. I know that he just got his heart broken and he feels like dying. And I feel so incredibly angry at the girl who broke his heart even if it wasn’t done intentionally. I don’t know who she is and I don’t know the circumstances but all I see it as is a stupid girl who broke my little brother’s heart.

But I know, regardless of what happens, he’s going to be okay. Maybe they will get back together and put this all behind them. Maybe they’ll realize they don’t belong together afterall. You can’t predict the future, only time will tell how their story pans out. But I do know he’s going to be okay and maybe this is exactly what he needs right now. Being single can definitely suck, but it can also be a blessing in disguise.

It’s been just over 5 months since I called it quits with my boyfriend. That sucked. We dated for a little over a year. It was both of our longest and most intense relationship. I could have sworn I was going to marry him. I felt a connection to him the minute we met. He just seemed like the one. But then he didn’t. As I got to know him more, I realized I loved him more than he loved me and this just wasn’t going to work. I wanted it to, but it just wasn’t met to be. So I called it off.

Our breakup was ugly. Broken plans for the last time. I got my hopes up and he crushed me for the last time. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so frustrated, hurt, and angry. So I flipped out on him. I told him I was done.Then I hung up the phone.

“Whatever. I’m done.”

Those were the last words I spoke to him.

It’s been over 5 months and he’s never bothered to call me back. That speaks volumes.

It hurt like hell at first. I cried a lot. I wanted to die. I was so incredibly lonely. I didn’t know how to go on with my life because he was my life.

But I did it. I pulled myself together and went on with my life, and did some pretty cool things. And I know that despite my little brother’s broken heart, he’s going to pull himself together and he’ll be okay, too.

Here are 14 weird things that happened when I called it quits with the one I was supposed to marry.

1. I stopped to smell the roses, or look at trees, anyway. I used to like to take long walks without a destination. I’d just walk all around Washington Township and see where I’d end up. But I didn’t do it that much once I was in a relationship. My boyfriend consumed all of my time. He wasn’t home much, so I’d spend all of my time waiting for him to call, text, or get home. I remember one of the first things I did when we broke up was take a very long, far walk. I went to a farm. It was October and all of the leaves on the trees changed colors and the apple trees were in full blossom. I couldn’t believe the beauty of nature. I couldn’t remember the last time I really stopped to look at it. I missed it.

2. I became a member of the library. The library was one of my favorite places to go as a kid and I missed it as an adult. There was a big library down the street from me that fascinated me. The Margaret Heggan library. I’ve been wanting to go and check it out for the longest time. Right after calling it quits with the one I was supposed to marry, I walked there. It was a far walk but it was so worth it. Walking into that library was like walking into my home. Even though I never been there before, I knew it was exactly where I belonged.

3. I fell in love with reading again. I didn’t read very much when I was in a relationship. I’m not saying my boyfriend was an idiot (okay, maybe he was. After all, the bastard did break my heart and cheat on me and all…). He didn’t read like at all. He always told me it was boring which kind of discouraged me from reading. Also, it’s hard to read when you’re constantly spending all of your time waiting for your phone to read or waiting for your boyfriend to feel like actually coming over to see you.

4. I became much less anxious. I think I will always be an anxious person, but my anxiety was at all time high when I was in relationship, especially since I was in a relationship with a truck driver with a wandering eye. Towards the end of our relationship I became so paranoid and anxious that there would be days when I would burst our crying without much reason. I felt like walls were caving in and I couldn’t breathe. Sleeping without medication was impossible. I still take melatonin every now and then to help me sleep at night and sometimes I still battle anxiety, but it’s nothing like how it was before. I’m much more relaxed. I don’t have to worry about where he is, if he’s safe, and if he’s loyal. He’s no longer mine and I’m no longer his. It’s not my job to worry about him anymore.

5. I reconnected with old friends. Often times when we get involved in relationships, we let that person consume us. This is the biggest mistake I made. I felt so alone when I broke up with the one I was supposed to marry. I blew off all of my friends for my boyfriend all the time. I’m still working on changing things and fixing them up, but I am happy to say I started to reconnect with old friends. I think some people held off on talking to  me because I was so exclusive with my boyfriend before, but now we’ve reconnected and we talk and it’s nice. I’m trying to get out and do things with people more often and break fee of my comfort zone. Ideally, I want to make it so that I never feel as alone as I felt initially if I ever go through a breakup again in the future.

6. I finally finished my darn novel. I started writing my novel after I received my cochlear implant, but I was kind of lazy with it. It’s hard to write a novel when your mind is only focused on your boyfriend, what they’re doing, where they’re at, and when they’re going to call and/or come home. I had more time when we broke up so I finally sat down and finished the darn thing.

7. I joined a writer’s group. Thinking of writing, I also joined a writer’s group at the library. I actually just got home from it. I found out about it in a quest to meet new people and make new friends while reminding myself of who I was, what I like, and doing more of the things that make me happy.

8. I strengthened my relationship with Christ. One of the reasons why I broke up with him is because I didn’t feel like he was a real Christian. He wouldn’t pray with me. He didn’t read the bible. Days before breaking up with him I began reading a book by Mark Hall from Casting Crowns called Thrive. This book centers on the theme of thriving instead of just getting by in life. I realized I was getting by with my relationship, but I wasn’t thriving. I also started reading the bible on a daily basis during this time. I truly believe God was pulling me out of my relationship and telling me to end it, so I finally obeyed. Since then my relationship with God has strengthened tenfold. I’m praying more and more often and they are much more deeper, meaningful prayers from the heart. I really engross myself with the word of God. I don’t miss church because I was out all night with my boyfriend. My boyfriend no longer pulls me from Christ. I ended my relationship with my boyfriend so I could have a stronger one with Christ.

9. I started going to a new church. I also started going to a new church. I loved the one I was attending, but I wanted to get more involved and to meet more people my own age. I walked to Trinity and really liked it. I’ve been going for about a month now and really like it so far. I’ve done things outside of my comfort zone like participating in activities even though I don’t know anyone. I met a girl who’s only a few years younger than me that also has a cochlear implant which was awesome. I want to try to make it out to the young adult bible study on Thursday where I should meet more people in my age group.

10. I began the application process for grad school. I decided that I definitely want to go to grad school and I began the application process so that I won’t back out or change my mind again. I mentioned this to my now ex-boyfriend before but he honestly didn’t really support me. He said he did but he was so concerned about the debt I’d be putting myself in. He didn’t think it was worth it. He didn’t value education like I did. Now I’m doing it for me — I didn’t need his approval.

11. I stopped seeking everyone else’s approval. If I want to do something, I do it. I don’t need anyone’s approval. If I want to walk to Glassboro, I wil. If I want to cut my hair, I will. If I want to go to Grad school, I will. If I want to go to NYC, I will. If I want to be front row in center at a Good Charlotte concert, I will be there. If I want to go bilateral, I will. Screw anyone else and their opinions. It’s time to do what I want to do and not care about what anyone else thinks about it. It’s my life.

12. I got extremely angry — and saw everything for what it really was. Nothing like hanging up with the one you’re supposed to marry and, 5+ months later, still not getting a call back apologizing for being a jerk to you. I see where I stand now. I’m only sorry I wasted so much of my time loving someone that clearly didn’t love me back. I won’t make that mistake again. I’d give in and apologize for ending things so harshly, but every time I think that way I remember how angry I am that he just let me go without even attempting to come back.

13. I stopped waiting. I used to spend all of my free time waiting on my boyfriend. Waiting for a text. Waiting for a call. Waiting for him to come over. Sometimes he wouldn’t call or text and I would’ve wasted 48 hours doing nothing but sitting on the couch or laying in bed staring at the phone that never rings. When I’d ask him why I didn’t hear from him he’d say “I just didn’t feel like talking.” (Translation: I felt like talking to my side chick today, not you). The worst though was the time when I started waiting for him to come over and pick me up for a date around noon but he didn’t come until about 10:30 at night. I don’t waste my time waiting on people anymore. Life is too short to waste your time waiting on things that don’t matter or aren’t really that important.

14. I changed. I’m not who I was 5 months ago. I’m trying to go back to being the person I’m supposed to be. I’m rediscovering my passions and interests and reevaluating what I want out of life. I learned that the right person will come along at the right time, and when they do, I’ll know. I won’t have to try so hard. I won’t have to wait on them. I won’t have to change who I am to please them. It will be effortless and they won’t keep me waiting and they will love me just as I am.

Breakups suck. They are perhaps the worst thing a person can go through. Some days are better than others for me. Yesterday was his birthday. Today my TimeHop app showed me all of the pictures of us together the day after his birthday which was when we reunited after being apart for 2+ straight months. They were some really hard days. But it gets better. Sometimes we need to break in order to become whole again. I have so many new and exciting things going on in my life that I know wouldn’t be happening if we were still together. In some ways, breaking up was the best thing to ever happen to me.

It’s hard and it still feels weird and it still hurts, but life goes on. One day, when I’m ready and not a day sooner, I’ll meet someone else that will make me forget I was ever hurt in the first place. One day, that person will show me why this one relationship had to end.

Sometimes good things have to fall apart to make room for great things.

Great things are better than good things. Better days are coming. I’m going to be okay, and so are you, little brother.


55632E26-indias-godless-working-on-debut-ep-infest-single-due-this-week-image

Image Credits: Brave Words

This post may sound shocking to most people. I am a lifelong Christian and over the years my relationship with Christ has strengthened tenfold. I’ve been through tough times in life and in those tough times, that’s when God’s love for me shined the brightest and when I realized I needed him the most. I always encourage other to strengthen their relationships with God and to read their bibles and to pray more. I myself have been on a schedule of waking up by 5am every morning so I’d have enough time to read my daily bible plan (a verse or two from the old testament, a verse of two from the new testament, a psalm, and a proverb) and to pray. I know that by reading my bible and praying first thing in the morning, I’m more likely to have a better day. Spending this time with God helps to set the mood. It makes it so I go into work more relaxed, happier, and humble. So why would I choose to go Godless for 2 weeks straight?

Well, to start, it wasn’t intentional at all. It happened accidentally and then before I knew it God was almost completely out of my life for 2 weeks.

It started the week of January 17th. I was suffering a pinched nerve that made it very difficult to walk, let alone move. I needed to stay in that weekend to recover, so church was out of the question that week. But I still made an attempt to be there even if I couldn’t be there in person. I read my bible. I prayed. I listened to the live streaming of the church sermon from home. I followed it up by listening to John MacArthur’s Charismatic Chaos sermons that I’ve recently come to love after being introduced to them from a fellow member of my church. I figured it was “good enough”.

But it wasn’t.

I’ve had a lot of things going on in my life at the time. I’ve been very busy. You’re never too busy for God, but I thought I was. God was beginning to slip out of my life. He definitely wasn’t a priority like he should’ve been. One day I’d skip reading my bible and praying. “I’ll just read two days worth of plans and pray more tomorrow. I can say silent prayers — God will hear me,” I said. But one day without bible reading and prayers turned into 2 days and 2 days turned into 3 and before I knew it I went more than a full week without cracking my bible open once.

My church attendance didn’t improve, either. We got hit with a blizzard last weekend and my church, like most churches in the area, was forced to close. Not that I would’ve went anyway (I’m not sure if I would have honestly).

Once God started to slip out of my life, I had a harder and harder time bringing him back into my life. I have been going through some challenging times in my life. Whenever I think I have my life all figured out, it doesn’t quite go as planned. I think I know what I want in my life and when I don’t get my way (even though it just means God has something better in store for me), I feel discouraged and defeated.

To be honest — I got angry at the world — everyone and everything in it. Beyond that, I was angry at God. I was angry at God for not answering my prayers and giving me the things I wanted in life. I felt like I had to close my book and end my relationship with him as a form of punishment. But in the end, I’m the one that suffered. Here’s what happened when I went Godless for 2 weeks.

1. I suffered depression. I feel like every day for the past 2 weeks my mom has yelled at me for being depressed. She said she’d kick my butt if I didn’t learn how to smile. My dad has been a bit concerned about me, too. And they are both right: I was depressed. Days felt way too long. I didn’t want to leave the house. I didn’t want to see people. I didn’t want to really live my life. I wanted to eat, sleep, and lay in bed watching TV until I fell asleep. A night in with beer, Fireball, ice cream, and Netflix sounded great. Except I didn’t just want that on Friday night after a hard day of work. I wanted it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and every moment of every day. Having to do something relevant and meaningful in my life seemed like a bother. I didn’t think I had the ability to do anything meaningful either, because I felt like a completely useless, worthless, waste-of-space human being. Depression will do that to you. Had I have just turned to God and opened my bible then I might have read Psalm 139:14 which would have reminded that “I am fearful and wonderfully made.” This verse alone could have helped me to fight against my crippling depression.

2. I became lazy. This goes hand and hand with the depression. Getting out of bed seemed to take up all of my energy. Putting effort into my appearance was just asking for too much. Ask me when the last time I’ve been to the gym was — can’t remember the answer to that. All I wanted to do was watch Netflix and not much else.

3. I became worldly. Netflix was a really great invention. Arguably, it’s one of the greatest inventions in the world (okay, I may be taking this a little too far here). But it’s still a worldly invention. Romans 12:2 reminds us, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Again, have I had taken the time to open my bible during this 2-week period, I may have been reminded of this. Instead I became very much conformed to the world. Netflix became the center of my life. I wanted more and more worldly things (none of which could ever satisfy me or bring me happiness) and I became jealous of everyone who seemed to have more worldly items than I did. I based my happiness off of these worldly things, not my relationship with God. This was a huge mistake. 1 John 2:15-17 states, “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world passes away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.” Pastor John Piper further elaborates on this in his sermon titled Do Not Love the World.  Simply put, we cannot love both God and the world. When we choose to love the world, which is precisely what I was doing, we can never be completely satisfied. This is because the things of the world are temporary but God’s love will endure forever (See Psalm 136).

4. I became prideful. The bible warns over and over again on the dangers of becoming prideful. I feel like this  is one of the things I struggle with the most as a Christian, and once I remove God from my life my pridefulness becomes out of control. I did just as Deuteronomy 8:14 states, “Your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God.” I became a pretty stuck-up, stubborn, nasty person who felt she had special entitlements and that the world owed her everything. I was far from humble or appreciative of what I had. And then I experienced just what 2 Chronicles 26:16 warns us of, “His pride led to his downfall. He was unfaithful to the LORD his God.” My unfaithfulness to God lead me to become more prideful, which ultimately led to my downfall.

5. I couldn’t get along with anyone. No one likes a prideful or miserable person, so this shouldn’t be all that surprising. I am normally a pretty easy-going and never have a problem with anyone. But during my 2 Godless weeks I really struggled to get along with people. Everyone got on my nerves and bothered me. Some people were just trying to be nice and help me, but I didn’t want to hear it. My pride often got in the way and I felt I was above them. When someone didn’t feed into my pride, I hated them. I definitely didn’t do a good job of following the second most important commandment, “Love thy neighbor” (see Mark 12:31). I didn’t really love much of anyone.

6. My anxiety and paranoia took a turn for the worst. I became much more paranoid and anxious. I worried constantly. I thought everyone hated me and was out to get me. I always seen the worst in things, not the best, and I’d play false negative scenarios out in my head. Matthew 6:25-27 says, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?” When God is a part of our daily lives, we know that he will always take care of us and supply our every need. But when we remove God from our lives, it becomes all too easy to forget that. Instead, we choose to worry even though we have nothing to worry about.

7. I became blind. God never let me down or stopped loving me. He never failed me a day of my life and he never will. Yes, he didn’t give me what I want in my life, but if past experiences have taught me anything it’s that the reason I didn’t get what I asked for or what I think I want is because God has something better in line for me. Without God in my life I became so blind that I couldn’t even see all of the incredible blessings that he have bestowed upon me. Take for instance my hearing appointment on Thursday. It was my first hearing test with my new cochlear implant. Prior to receiving that cochlear implant I had less than 7% of my hearing in that ear. I scored a 34% on my word recognition test. I viewed that as “failing” the test and being a horrible thing. All I focused on that day was how bad 34% sounds on paper and how upset I was to lose that 7% of residual hearing (even though it wasn’t much to be upset about anyway). I was so blinded that I didn’t even see how much of a blessing it was to go from 7% to 34% hearing in just 1 month of being implanted. To quote from John 9:25, “One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!”

I learned a lot from going unintentionally Godless for 2 weeks. The most important thing I learned is that I need God in my life. I need him today, tomorrow, the next day, the day after that, and every day for the rest of my life. Life gets hard and without God, it is unmanageable. I am doomed for failure if I try to get through life without God. But as Matthew 19:26 says, “Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

What is it that brought me back to the Lord? The good people of the Lord. People who were open and honest to me. Those who didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. People who yelled at me for being depressed and not seeing the blessings the Lord have bestowed upon me and people who yelled at me for not seeing the wonderful grace and glory of God. People, my mother especially, who told me that I needed to go back and open my bible. Those who told me things wouldn’t and couldn’t ever get better if I turned my back on God.

I may have turned my back on God for 2 weeks, but he never turned his back on me. He was there for me yesterday. He’s there for me today. And he’ll be there for me tomorrow. The question is, will I be there for him?

I’ve spent a good portion of today reading through my bible and fixing and strengthening and repairing my relationship with the lord. I still have a long way to go — a lifetime. In the couple of hours I spent studying my bible and picking up where I left off 2 weeks ago, I already feel much better. I can’t wait to get to church tomorrow. And I am very sorry for turning my back on God. As much as I want to say it will never happen again, I know that that is probably a lie. As a Christian I will fail God and probably turn my back on him many times over. The only things all Christians do perfectly is sin and constantly fail God. But the good news is this — he loves us anyway. He died to save us from our sins — there is no greater love than that. He wants nothing more to help us and have a relationship with us. We just have to remember that, especially during the tough times in life. God will make all things better even if you don’t understand it at the time, but he can’t make things better if you don’t know him. Sometimes, it’s during the hardest times of our lives that we need God the most. We just have to make sure to keep him in our lives and give him room to work.

 


loving-myself

Image Credits: My Crazy Life as a Navy Wife 

This is still hard. Maybe moving on is easy for some people. Like “hey this guy treated me like crap but he’s gone now so my life’s going to get so much better.” I mean yes, that’s absolutely the truth, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I still remember how things used to be and it’s so hard to let go of it all. It still feels like I just lost my best friend and I don’t know how to live anymore.

I have so much anger, hatred, pain, and frustration inside of me. I’m so extremely  bitter. The first time Casey screwed me over I broke everything connected to him. I’m out of things to break but still not exactly the most sane person in the world. This weekend I went on a cleaning spree and a two hour walk. It was a little crazy, but helpful.

I feel like I need to reevaluate my life, who I am, and what I want. I want to spend a lot of time alone, focusing on me. Rediscovering old passions, the things I love and kind of forgot about. I want to date myself right now, basically.

When I went on my walk this weekend, I had no destination. I was literally walking around Washington Township completely aimlessly making the most random turns just to see where I would end up. I ended up at Thomas Jefferson Elementary School. I think it was about two mile from my home.

Thomas Jefferson Elementary School, like most elementary schools, has a playground. I couldn’t resist swinging. I stayed there for about an hour just swinging and really thinking about everything in my life. I remembered meeting one of my best friends in elementary school on a swing set and I wished life could go back like that…when everything was so simple. There were boys, but there wasn’t relationships. They was still so much more intimacy, a closeness, a different form of love. Just two kids side by side on the swings. And in the summer we’d play cards on the porch and eat ice cream. I’m 23. I guess this is growing up — you can’t have those things anymore. But Oh, how badly I want to go back.

I realized this weekend something else. I spend too much time plugged in focused on others and the outside world. Social media is not a convenience for me — it’s a problem. I’m extremely addicted to it and it wastes so much of my time — and for what? It doesn’t serve much of a positive function in my life. Do I really need to know everyone’s every move? Who even are these people? Why do I care? Do I care, seriously? Or am I just pretending? Does it even matter?

I feel like social media is controlling too much of me and my happiness. I’m too connected. This is how I met Casey…through the internet. This is how we maintained our relationship…through social media. This is how he left me — both times. How positive, right?

I didn’t go completely disconnected this weekend. I’m not sure I’m completely capable of that, but I did cut back significantly. Instead of being glued to my phone and laptop I cleaned. I took long baths that inspired me with new writing ideas that are proven to be great. I read hundreds of pages and remembered how passionate I am about books, especially classic literature. I thought about grad school and how the idea of earning a Master’s in English from Rutgers Camden is still very appealing. I even considered printing out an application.

I felt happy. Sometimes it was combined with sadness. I did want to cry a bit. Luckily I had some good friends on hand to talk me through some of my anger, bitterness, and pain. It was helpful.

I watched Netflix in bed while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, like your typical broken female. But at that particular moment I didn’t feel broken. I felt relaxed and like in time, I would be okay.

Casey controlled so much of my life ever since I knew him. When I first met him I felt utterly broken and worthless and I DEPENDED on him to make me feel okay again. To show me my worth. I couldn’t do it on my own. I NEEDED him.

I depended on Casey for my happiness. I needed him in order to be happy. I needed him to share everything with. I needed him to live. He was a strong part of my identity. Without him I didn’t exist.

But it was wrong.

Casey didn’t need me. He still doesn’t and he’s made that very obvious.

As for me? I can do better. I don’t mean to sound like a narciss, but I like to think I’m better than Casey. I sure as hell treated him better than he treated me. That’s pretty much a fact.

So I’m going to try to be a bit nicer to myself. A bit more understand. I’m going to date myself and I’m not going to like it. I’m going to [learn to] love it.

Hi Kimberly, meet Kimberly.


 

This past Halloween was not fun. I was in the process of moving and feeling 24344334 shades of blue.

Casey and I were broken up. We were not speaking. Or actually I guess I should say he wasn’t speaking to me. And it hurt. A lot.

We spoke about Halloween in months passed. He was so excited about it. He recently discovered Dr.Who and was obsessed. He wanted to be the doctor for Halloween and I was going to be the tardis…well so he thought. I definitely wasn’t keen on dressing up as some stupid blue box for Halloween especially since I never even seen Dr. Who before. But I tried to negotiate by offering to be a companion or something else. I honestly just wanted to make him happy and was honored to be a part of his plans. He didn’t have a good childhood and never had a chance to dress up for Halloween. His dad didn’t approve of it and hearing that mad me so sad. I wanted to help him make up for his loss childhood. Plus, since we couldn’t physically be together on Halloween, this would help us create a sense of belonging and connect even while over 1,000  miles away.

The fact that Casey and I were broken up and not on speaking terms and therefore not participating in our planned Halloween together crushed me. I was very depressed on Halloween. I called it a night at like 8pm. I didn’t really celebrate at all. I did, however, write a letter.

Despite being completely screwed over by Casey, I couldn’t quit him. He was my favorite drug and I was quite the addict. When he left he did so without any explanation at all which I think was the hardest part for me. I needed closure. I needed reasoning. But I had nothing.

In an attempt to find closure, to get an explanation, a reaction, or at the very least, say all that I needed to say…I wrote a letter on Halloween. This is what it said:

Dear Casey:

I shouldn’t be writing this email. My friends would kill me for this. But they don’t understand.

I’ve written this email in my head about a thousand times. I keep fighting the urge to put it on paper and hit send…but well, here’s the word document…here’s the text that keeps expanding. Whether or not it makes it to the save button, or gets copy and pasted into gmail and makes it to you…well…that’s to be continued.

And whether that all happens and you choose to open it…that’s also something I’m unsure of, but I’m expecting the answer to be a no. I’m expecting this to go straight into the trash folder, completely unread. That breaks my heart so much, but its reality. It’s how things are now, despite how much I try to convince myself things are different.

We broke up over 4 months ago. That’s almost as long as my longest relationship lasted. But it hasn’t gotten easier. It gets harder. I haven’t even bothered to look at anyone else. My friends think I’m stubborn and stupid. Some of them tell me I’m holding onto a dream or something that’s make belief or not real. I guess she’s trying to help or look out for me…but she doesn’t get it.

There’s you and then there’s the rest of the world. The world is ugly. The people that are in it, a majority anyway, are ugly. I’ve been with ugly people.  I’ve been in toxic relationships. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have. Things happen that should not have happened. I don’t want to make those mistakes again. I feel like I’m the only one that sees mistakes at mistakes though. Everyone else sees it as a part of life.

Things with you were different. I loved you. I still do. You were everything I always dreamed of having. I missed you so much when you went home to Florida. But I knew (or I guess now the way to say this would be thought I knew) I would see you again someday. I don’t think I stopped believing that yet.

I could be myself around you. I never felt pressured. I never felt like I had to be someone I wasn’t. The only thing I hated about being with you was time. It never stopped moving and I never had enough time with you. I wish I could have paused it. We spent just three days together, but I replayed every second of those days in my head a thousand and one times. It’s like having a film that never stops playing.

I’ll never forget singing the backstreet boys with you in the mall. Or experiencing my first captioned film at Somerdale movie theatre with you and dancing to the credits at the end. The only two people left in the theatre (which I guess doesn’t say much since there was hardly anyone else there at all). The room could have been packed and nothing would have mattered though. I knew than what I knew before. I loved you and wanted that moment to last an eternity. It was just a bliss. I was so happy with you right then.

I’ll never forget when you left. I never hugged anyone like that before. I never wanted to let go. It was so sad and so beautiful. You promised me you would be back. When we went out to dinner and I got sad because I knew we had only minutes left together. You said, and I quote, “I’m leaving the area, but I’m not leaving you.”

You lied.

I know that things change. I know that things changed when you went home. But I never saw that coming.

We used to talk about a lot of things, Casey. I would kill for one of those conversations. I miss falling asleep talking to you. You were 1000 miles away, but you always felt right next to me. It was the kind of closeness you can’t even describe to another person. I miss it.

We used to talk about the future. Dreams, hopes, plans. I thought you would be a part of that. I prayed for it. I really believed one day, it would happen.

You used to talk to me about forgiveness. You were so afraid that one day you’d do something and I wouldn’t be able to forgive you. We weren’t married. Not even close to that. Of course, I had dreams we’d have that in the future. I thought you were the one.

I dreamed of you literally and figuratively. Remember how we would sometimes spend hours at night talking about all of the places we wanted to travel to, things we wanted to do? They were dreams, but I thought they were so real. I never dreamed of those things with anyone else. You’re the only one I’d want to see the world with. No one else would ever really appreciate it or see it the way you do anyway.

I wanted to marry you.

I wanted to raise children with you.

It all seemed so perfect. I didn’t want those things *now* of course. Now’s not the time for it. We need our careers. We need our individual families. And we need to see the world. But I thought in the distant future we could maybe have that. I can’t think of anyone else that would even come close to being half as great of a husband or father as you.

Maybe it’s stupid of me to think this way. But I thought maybe you felt something too.

You never told me you loved me, but I still believed it. I felt it. I can’t shake the feeling that we had something. I just can’t.

Even if we weren’t together…fine.  I mean, it hurts but…

For you to not be anything at all in my life, just some guy I used to  know. That’s unbearable for me right now.

My life has changed so much since you left me, Casey. In scary ways and also in wonderful ways. Sometimes even both at same time. Even when things are great I’m still overcome with a bit of sadness though because I no longer have you to share it with.

I quit Walmart. I wanted to tell you all about it. But you weren’t there.

I got a job as an Inbound Marketer. I’ve been extremely successful so far, almost more than anyone in the department. And you’re not there for me to talk about it.

You used to love this stuff…SEO, web stuff, everything.

I made an Infographic and didn’t know which program to use — photoshop or Illustrator — and I didn’t really have anyone that could offer helpful advice. You could have been that person. But you weren’t there.

My parents and I are moving to a new condo in a nearby, much nicer/safer town. We are so excited for this fresh new start in our lives. I wish I could share my excitement with you. But as excited as I am it still feels weird.

About two days before you left me you talked to me about how much you loved Cherry Hill. How you wanted to move there. I don’t mean to sound vain, but I thought I was part of that equation. I thought maybe one day you’d move there with me. We’d start a new life together.

I work in Mount Laurel. I have to go past Cherry Hill everyday on my way to and from work. I pass the hotel you stayed at everyday. It kills me.

I know things changed in your life too. You deleted me from Facebook. You deleted me from Linkedin. You deleted me from Foursquare. You deleted me from everything there is to delete me from. But you are not invisible.

As much as you try to delete me, you can’t delete the memories or what is in my heart. Sometimes I wish you could.

I know that you left your job at Lab 3 Marketing. I do not know why or how. It doesn’t matter though.

I know that you have a new job at a hotel. I am very proud of you. Are you happy? You sound happy. I hope you’re happy. That’s all I ever want for you.

I hope I don’t sound like a stalker. Yes, I googled you. I looked you up on LinkedIn. Maybe that makes me a creepy stalker. Maybe that makes me a terrible person.

I try not to be like that.

When it comes down to it, I’m just a stupid girl that loves a boy.

I’m holding on to the things I once had. The things I so desperately wish I still had.

The things I can’t believe I lost.

But they’re gone now. I will never know why. I analyzed every little detail of this situation every second of every day since you left and here’s my conclusion:

I have no idea.

I have no idea why this ended.

This never should have happened.

I still love you and I always will.

I had something really great with you.

And I’m scared to death I’ll never have it again.

I got my wish. Casey and I reconnected in January. A few days ago we made plans to travel to DC together for his spring break. We were going to use the trip to reconnect and discuss our future and the possibility of getting back together. But within about 24 hours of making plans, Casey up and left with little to no explanation again.

This time I’m done. So fucking done. Look at this letter I wrote on Halloween. Look at my previous blog posts. It’s obvious I cared a great deal and did way more than I should have to make this work.

It’s also obvious that I deserve so much better.

Have a nice life, Casey Fraites. Leave me out of it.

Moving on…


I can’t do this anymore. That’s the most simple way to say it.

Tomorrow is 1 year. 1 year since I outright said “I love you.”

It was the most natural thing in the world. I never meant those three words more than I did 364 days ago.

I couldn’t stop gushing over you. “My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend my boyfriend my boyfriend.”  It didn’t matter that we never met IRL yet. Or that you weren’t my boyfriend. You said you didn’t mind.

We made it official on April 1st. What a perfect symbol for our relationship! A joke. That’s all this ever was, right? Looks like the joke was on me…

They say that no one likes you when you’re 23. I should have known.

I met the love of my life the day I turned 23 and it was everything I had hoped it would be.

He thanked me by destroying me a month later. Leaving for no apparent reason — just completely disappearing from my life.

I can’t begin to explain how dark my days were at that point. I was devastated. I had built up a future for us.We talked quite a bit. I thought we’d travel the world together. Get married. Raise children. Live happily ever after.

It felt like a million swords were being individually stabbed in my heart. I wanted to die because as far as I could see, my future was shattered. I thought you were my future.

I prayed every day that you would come back to me. I could never hate you. Everyone around me? That’s another story. I was a mess. You destroyed me. I was so broken and reckless.

You did come back. NYE. How ironic. You sent me an email and I thought it was the answer I searched so desperately for for months. I thought we could start anew.

Everyone warned me about you. Was I really going to accept a lame apology on NYE of all nights? Is this how I wanted to bring in 2014, with the same pain and turmoil leftover from 2013? Forgiving the man who damn near traumatized me with heartbreak? For no apparent reason?

Yes. Yes it was.

Because I loved you.

Because I believed in you.

Because I thought this was it.

I wanted to marry you and start a family and have a future with you more than anything in the world. But sometimes, love is not enough.

I loved you and it doesn’t matter at all.

Because you don’t love me.

If you did, you never would have hurt me like this. And when you came back in my life? Way to not make an effort. Way to not try. Way to barely exist.

Maybe you never wanted any of that. In that case it’s fine, but why string me along? It’s no secret how I felt about you — it’s never been a secret. You’d have to be a complete idiot to not see my heart breaking when you disapeer completely for months at a time. When you blatantly ignore me.

It’s not that hard to give someone a litttleeee attention or to show a little care. I work full time usually 43+ hours a week and I’m always here for you. Anyone else would have been for me.

I understand patience is a virtue. The best things in life are worth waiting for.

I waited for you. I waited. And waited.And waited.

But now I’m done.

This is not the best thing for me.

We will never get married.

We will never have children together.

I don’t think I’ll ever see you again.

I deserve so much better and I know that better exists. I don’t think you’re who I thought you were. I don’t know who you are anymore.

But this is over. I can’t do this anymore.

I’m gone.



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