I hate the writing challenge for day 26. For day 26 it tells me to write the things I’d say to an ex.Where do I even begin? I guess I’ll start from the beginning with “Dear Larry” and take it from there, right? This could take awhile…
It has been approximately 8 and a half months since we broke up. They were right when they said it takes approximately half the length of a relationship to get over a breakup. The pain finally started to ease when we hit that 6 month mark in April. I’m not entirely sure that I’m fully where I need or want to be yet. I think a part of me still loves you, and I sometimes think a part of me always will.
How about you? How are you holding up? I had to unfriend you,and for awhile, block you. I couldn’t stand to see your updates on Facebook. It didn’t matter that you were “leaving me alone”,because I couldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t stop stalking your page. It killed me when I saw you friended and were interacting with Maria. That girl. Tell me, did you do it out of spite? You knew it would get to me. That’s why you did it, isn’t it? Was this your way of getting back at me? If so, as much as I hate to admit it, it worked.
You’re kind of unbelievable, but at the same time I shouldn’t be surprised. She played a huge role in our downfall, afterall. Do you remember the night of August 8, 2015? I don’t think I will ever in all my life forget it, but I sure wish I could. I was so happy to have you home. We couldn’t decide what we wanted to do, but it didn’t even matter. You were home and I loved you so much. Anything we did made me happy, just to be with you. You were so rarely home. I learned to treasure each and every moment we had.
…I guess you didn’t feel the same way about me.
Sometimes you’d say you missed me, but did you really? Or was it Maria that you were missing?
I knew something was up when you asked me how I felt about you being friends with Maria. When she was back in your life. I give you credit for being honest about her being your ex and telling me that much of the truth. But I don’t think you gave me the FULL truth…I’m not sure I’ll ever know the real truth.
Maybe she sent a friend request. That is fine. I have no problem with that at all. I know you’d beg to differ, but I am not crazy. I have a million Facebook friends, most of whom I never talk to, some of which are exes.
Here’s the thing that is NOT okay: to give your exes more attention than your current girlfriend. To lie to your current girlfriend about our ex girlfriend. To ignore your current girlfriend because you’re too wrapped up in your ex. To feel the need to hide your cell phone because of messages from your ex girlfriend that you don’t wan your current girlfriend to see.
Maybe you didn’t have sex with her. Maybe you didn’t kiss her. Maybe you never touched her. Maybe you haven’t even seen her since you broke up.
…but that doesn’t make you innocent.
If you have to hide you phone from your current girlfriend because of messages from another girl, as far as I’m concerned, when it comes to cheating, you’re already there.
Do you have any idea how much it hurt for me to find all of those messages on your phone on August 8th? The ones about how she’s so beautiful, asking her if she’s single, asking to video chat.
It didn’t hurt.
A part of me died the night of August 8, 2015.
I did what any normal girl would do: I freaked out.
Consider yourself lucky, I didn’t hit you. I should have. I really, really should have.
Breaking up then and there seemed like the obvious answer. I gave my all to you. I was as loyal and committed to you as one could have been, and this was the thanks I got? Really? But I loved you so much.
Remember that night? In your car? We cried together for hours. I never saw a man cry like that before. That wasn’t fake; no man can fake-cry that well. You SOBBED. You were hysterical. How could I not have accepted your apology after that? You made a mistake. But you didn’t mean to hurt me. You loved me. It was a one time thing. It would never happen again. It wouldn’t be easy for me to trust you after that, but I was willing to try. I still had hope and faith in you. I believed we could put this hold thing behind us. Just keep it between us and move on.
Except…it wasn’t between you and me.
It was me, you, Maria, and your family.
Your stupid freaking family.
I often wondered if I was dating you or your family.Sometimes it felt like both. I’m all for being close to your family. You were over my house all the time, you know I was close to my family. You also knew that especially towards the end, they weren’t always too found of you. They didn’t hate you like I know that you think they did…they just believed I deserved better. You didn’t treat me the way I should have been treated.
They were right.
While my family may not have quite approved of you all the time, they still knew that my love life was just that – my love life. It was for me to figure out and for me to make decisions about. They never told me to break up with you (although they definitely didn’t discourage it). They allowed me to make my own decisions.
Larry, you’re 27 years old. When are you going to grow up and be your own man?
It’s not just about you living at home. That’s fine – I mean I still live at home, why would I condemn that? But you let your family control you and your life and your relationships so much. It wasn’t fair for me or for you.
It was like I already stated, I wasn’t just dating you, I dated your family, too.
I constantly had to seek their approval and nothing was ever just between us. If we had an argument or a dispute or anything at all that I said to you, got back to them, too and they made sure to let me know it.
It wasn’t even just your parents. It was your parents, all of your sisters, your freaking grandmom, cousins, aunts, uncles, random people who I guess are somehow related to you.
It was never their business. A relationship should be between two people, not two people and their family.
One of the things that bothered me the most was the fact that Amanda knew about Maria before we even had our little dispute. Remember the barbecue? It was that same week…maybe even the day after the fact? The wounds were still really fresh and still really deep, Larry. I was doing my best not to think about it, to not hold it against you…forgive and forget. Then while we were alone, when we were dropping Amanda and Emma off she said to us, “Larry, are you still talking to your ex? That’s a really bad idea.” And she followed up after she went home with a text about how you better get your crap together or you’re going to lose me…you’re never around for me. You treat me like crap. Say what you will about Amanda. Yeah, maybe she’s made some mistakes and done some things you and the rest of your family don’t agree with…but was she not right?
You never learn though, do you? You were the center of my life. My world revolved around you. My world stopped for you. The only thing I remember about last summer is being in this constant state of waiting — waiting for you to come home from work. Waiting for you to get done with your dad. Waiting for you to show up at my house. Waiting for you to text. Waiting for you to call.
Waiting for you to come home from your 8th family vacation that you totally didn’t have to go on.
Waiting for you to tell the truth.
Waiting for you to love me the way I loved you.
We started to fight a lot. The main thing we fought about was how I needed more from you. I was exhausted from giving you all that I had whereas you never even attempted to measure up.I cried a lot and suffered horrible anxiety by the end of our relationship because I knew things weren’t the same and I was terrified of losing you and I could no longer trust you. I did lose you in the end – but choice – because it was no longer worth staying, as painful as leaving you came to be.
I knew you were a truck driver and couldn’t be home much. It wasn’t easy, but I accepted that.
What I couldn’t accept was how you made things unnecessarily hard on us with these stupid volunteer vacations. Instead of seeing me, you took time off to spend a week with your family on vacation.
One vacation is one thing.
8 is quite another, and no, I’m not even exaggerating.
I went to Disney with you and I had the time of my life. I will never, even regret that despite how things ended with us. It was uncomfortable as anything staying with your sisters and your mom. Your mom is not exactly the nicest, friendliest person in the world – especially not to me. Your little sister is alright…for a 5 year old. It’s too bad she’s now going on 15 or 16. I could go into more details here, and I almost did, but I’ll spare you that. You should be thanking me. Your older sister was nice enough…but it was a little uncomfortable living with someone who covered everything in tissues for a week because of germs…but maybe she had a point. That was he most disgusting freaking room I’ve ever seen. You’re lucky I’m as nice as I am…I could have and really should have made you take me somewhere else to stay…somewhere that isn’t totally disgusting. But I suppose that it was a step up from your actual house, as sad as that sounds. That was pretty freaking bad, too.
But why do you feel the need to go on ALL of these family vacations especially when they are often the same? Did you really need to go to Busch gardens like 3 times that summer? Oh yeah, you did. You had to be with your girlfriend during round 2.
Except I’ve never been to Busch Gardens.
You and your family make it sound like I’m a devil because of what I did to you during the 2nd trip to Busch Gardens.
I’m sorry – but what? What I did to you?
Yes. I cursed you out over a series of 20+ text.
Yes they were ugly.
Yes, I accused you of cheating…and that’s putting it mild.
What did you expect? You wen on vacation with another girl who was in the same age range, single,and you never told me about it.
When I asked if she was there, you took a long time to answer me and you said “Well….”
That tells me everything.
The first time you went to Busch Gardens, you told me everything about your day. Everywhere you went, everything you saw, everything you did. You couldn’t wait to talk to me.
The second time was another story. Because your girlfriend was there with you. Your other girlfriend.
I had to pretty much beg you to send me 1 little text a day. That’s unacceptable.
You got drunk. With her.
You never had a single drink when you were with me. And don’t you dare use the excuse of having to drive. What about Disney? Everyone gets drunk in Epcot. You could’ve had all the drinks you wanted – you had none.
You went in a hot tub. With her. Without your shirt on.
You were always very self conscious of that. I think I saw you shirtless maybe a total of 3 times…1 is more like it. Definitely no more than 3 during the course of our 13 month relationship.
THERE. IS. A. POOL. AT. MY. CONDO.
You could’ve gone swimming with me any time you wanted during the summer, but you refused because you were “too shy”. Too shy to take your shirt off in front of me, but when it comes to your other girlfriend, boy you can’t take your clothes off fast enough, can you?
And what about the tracking app?
I can understand people thinking it’s creepy. In most cases, yes, but when you date a truck driver,the same rules don’t apply.
FYI, dating a truck driver gets freaking terrifying. I heard on the news all the time about major accidents with trucks where the drivers were killed and I always panicked thinking it could be you. The tracking app allowed me to sleep at night knowing you reached your destination safe. But yeah, I did use it when you were on vacation – I enjoyed seeing where you were going especially since it wasn’t like I was going to get a text out of you telling me where you were. You went ghost on me.
You liked the tracking app. You made a game out of it. The where’s Larry? game. Don’t you dare try to tell me otherwise.
Suddenly, minutes after I flipped out on you and accused you of cheating, the tracking app became disabled so I couldn’t keep track of you.
Let me guess…you let her take you to Hooters and you disabled the app so I wouldn’t find out because you know I’d get mad. You admitted she asked you to go…but you claim you said no. Lying was never one of your strongest suits though. I bet you said no. Sure…
This all took place less than a month after the whole Maria incident. And I’m just supposed to believe nothing happened, that you were completely innocent.
How stupid do you think I am?
And yet, I allowed you and your stupid friggen family to place all of the blame on me. I was the psychotic girlfriend with the worst anxiety that really needed to see a doctor like your brother did. God forbid I loved you. God forbid I worried about you. God forbid I feared losing you. You freaking cheated, yet it was all my fault. So I did the only thing I knew how to do: I apologized and begged you not to leave me.
But we were never the same after that. We were falling apart and could no longer be fixed.
And I was getting so sick and tired of fighting the same battles – begging you to make me a priority. Crying in your car and not even being sure why I was crying.
We were changing. I supposed I was seeing your true colors. And they were ugly. You were becoming more and more controlling, manipulative, and unsupportive of me and downright selfish.
In case I haven’t mentioned it yet, it’s really hard work to date a truck driver. But I did everything I could to make it work – to try to be understanding, supportive, and submissive like a good proverbs 31 woman.
But a proverbs 31 woman needs a proverbs 31 man. I didn’t have one. You didn’t take care of me. You took care of you.But I suppose I can’t blame you too much…do you even know what it is to be a Proverbs 31 man? Do you even know the significance of Proverbs 31? Probably not. I mean, you were only a pentecostal afterall.
Larry, do you know what a pentecostal christian is? It’s not exactly what I consider a “real” christian to be. When is the last time you went to church other than the Baptist church with me and those churches we saw christian concerts at?
Admit it…you’re only a pentecostal because your dad is.
Now that we aren’t together,I can finally say something I’ve been holding back for the longest time:
Your dad really isn’t a good man.
By dad I hope you know I mean your stepfather, not your birth dad. Your birth dad and I had our issues, but he’s a far better man and I do think he tries with you – you just oftentimes don’t give him a chance.I hope that’s changed.
But for real..I don’t understand why you idolize your stepdad so much. He’s incredibly selfish and just seems…off.I have my theories about him, but to say I have a bad feeling about him is an understatement. You say he’s always been there for you and your family. Uh. Why does he have his own bedroom and everyone else except your little sister has to sleep in the middle of the living room (including your mom)? Why does he have a keurig strictly for himself? Why does he go out and do whatever he wants even if it means going alone and leaving the rest of the family home? Why did he make you do household chores and keep you from seeing me until like 10 at night on one of the only weekends you’d be home for an entire month? I see him as being incredibly selfish…
You should really reconsider that.
But regardless, your faith is not something to take lightly. It really really bothered me towards the end of our relationship when you wouldn’t pray for me, when you dismissed me when I told you how important it was to pray and read your bible and I even offered to give you my audio bible to listen to on the road.
I don’t think you understood just how important this all is. It is the most important thing in your life.
Being baptized doesn’t make you a Christian.
Listening to worship music doesn’t making you a Christian.
Seeing a Christian play doesn’t make you a Christian.
Only truly accepting Christ as your Lord and Savior will save you. I’m not entirely sure if you’re really there, Larry. I don’t know that I can honestly say I believe you to be saved. I believe you don’t really know what it means to be a Christian and to know Christ. I believe you don’t really understand what it means to have a relationship with him, and that makes me sad.
We weren’t on the same page with our faith…and I didn’t think we were going to get there. I was growing and maturing so much in my faith, and you were holding me back. I couldn’t let that happen.
I loved you so much. So. so. so. much.
I was terrified of losing you,but I saw you slipping away before my eyes.
The only thing that scared me more than losing you was our future, which I was also beginning to see more clearly.
I really really really wanted to marry you. Our original plan was we’d get engaged after our 2 year anniversary and married after we’ve been together for 5 years. It all seemed so easy. The first year flew by so fast.
That’s when everything became downright horrifying.
I wanted to marry you…but it wasn’t just about you.
I thought about our future kids all the time. Would they have a father? I know we talked about this before. You said you’d take a local job so you’d be there for our kids and for me. I believed you…but I heard this so many times…by our 13 month mark….I doubted there was any truth to the statement.
You loved that truck more than you loved me. And I wondered who you’d choose when kids came in the picture…would you still love the truck more? I feared the answer would still be yes, and that broke my heart. My future kids deserve to have a dad that they can depend on. I couldn’t depend on you, so why should I have believed they could depend on you? You know I never forced you to take a local job, although naturally I’d never discourage it. I wanted you to be happy and figured if you wanted to go the distance, now that we’re not married with kids, this was the time to do it. But you told me all the time you’d take a local job. You’d get my hopes up so high only to shoot them down and to end up going further that initially planned. It was an emotional roller coaster. It was one thing to force me on that ride, but it would never be fair to our future kids. I couldn’t imagine having to put them through that.
I started to see all of my hopes and dreams and everything I ever worked for go out the window. I could say goodbye to ever working in a big city like NYC or LA (or anywhere in California for that matter). You didn’t even support me and my desire to go to school for my master’s degree because of the debt I’d further put myself in (although it really didn’t matter when it came to you and trucking school, did it? Also, I never asked you to pay for it…so why did it matter at all?). You didn’t even support the things that really would help me that you always supported in the past…like my 2nd cochlear implant surgery…why on earth would you not want that for me? Why the change of heart?
I always supported you and your hopes and dreams and everything you wanted to do…not that it was ever an option. You went and did your thing and made your own decisions and told me after the decision was already made. If you wanted to go further on the road, you did. And I was there supporting you…even if it meant waiting 3 months for you to come home. And I was always faithful, it was never a thought not to be.
You made me choose.
You made me choose between you and my career. I didn’t even know where I was going, what was happening.
I didn’t go to California. I visited and interviewed in New York, but ended up in Pennsauken…your aunt’s town…initially and then later, Philly, which you also wouldn’t support.
Choosing my career…choosing myself was one of the hardest, scariest decisions of my life. I wanted to marry you so bad. I thought you were the one and it scared the living day lights to think that I could have been walking away from the one I was supposed to marry. What if I just gave up on the man God designated for me to spend eternity with? Would this mean I’d end up alone for the rest of my life?
As I already stated, my faith was important to me. I was a real christian unlike you and I was growing more in my faith. I was reading my bible more than ever. I began to read Mark Hall’s book, Thrive and I listened to the album that inspired the book. I prayed all the time.
We were made to thrive.
…So why wasn’t I thriving?
Not only was I not thriving, I wasn’t even living.
I was just a part of your shadow…sacrificing my everything…all for you.
But you wouldn’t even support me and my career…or really anything in my life.
I prayed all the time. First I prayed that things would get better. Then I realized, maybe this isn’t God’s will. Then I prayed for clarity. I prayed for God to show me the way.
Our anniversary came and went. I was so excited. I made you a special dinner. I got you a nice card. I didn’t get a gift since I didn’t think you’d get me one and I knew we were going away on vacation for our anniversary a month later.
You couldn’t even get me flowers. Or a card. I barely got a “Happy Anniversary” out of you.
I guess I wasn’t even worth the $3 you’d pay for a card.
I didn’t even get mad though. I was use to the disappointment by then, and I knew we’d just celebrate in a month when we went away. I was so excited for that. We spent nearly a full year planning it. But then I noticed something….
I was the only one excited.
The closer we got, the less excited we got.
I didn’t get it. Maybe it was because you already went to Lancaster and did all of the things we were going to do with your family.
There you go with your freakin’ family again.
They discouraged you from going, didn’t they? What happened to “I really want to do this and am going to put my foot down?”. You parents never wanted us to go. Your sister ended up pregnant or a similar trip, so obviously we were destined to have the same fate.I’m so glad your family had so much faith in us. I’m so glad they seen me as little more than a whore. How flattering.
I told myself, if this didn’t work out, it must be a sign from God that I’m supposed to just walk away from it all. It’s not meant to be.
Boy, I didn’t want this to be true.
I wanted so bad for you to prove me wrong this time.
But you didn’t.
You did the opposite.
You claimed you were sick. Yeah, right.
I did not break up with you because you got sick. That’s ridiculous. Contrary to popular belief by your family and I guess you, too, I’m not crazy.
I broke up with you because you’re always sick. You’re always tired. You’re always late. You can never help it. It’s always something. Conveniently though, you’re only ever these things precisely when it’s time for you to come home and see me.
When you’re only coming to see me, you’re always several hours late and often times we can’t make it to whatever we initially planned…like say our 2nd Newsboys concert for our anniversary. But when it comes time to see your family, your world stops for them.
It wasn’t fair, Larry. I wanted you to be like that for me. I was jealous. I shouldn’t have had to feel that way…jealous of your family. Because I wanted to become your family. I wanted to become your wife.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” – Ephesians 5:31
It’s right there in the bible, Larry. If you’re a christian like you claim to be, you’d be more than willing to let go of your parents to pursue me and work towards making me your wife and building a foundation and family with me.
But you wouldn’t do that for me. And I was tired of waiting. I was tired of settling.
We were made to thrive.
So that day I fought with you. I hung up the phone. And I never looked back.
The part of our breakup that hurts the most is that you never attempted to call me back. Why is that? Why did you just let me go so easily without a fight?
Just 13 months of our relationship all out the window. I never meant for things to end this way. I never wanted this ugly breakup.
A lot of people don’t understand why I never tried to reach out to you, why I never closed the deal and got my closure.
I guess I did though. I know why things had to end. I know this is God’s will. I did want it to end better though and I did wish we talked through it more, but I can’t bring myself to talk to you. Because it just further drills in the fact that it’s always me doing everything for you…loving you, giving you my all, putting forth an effort, and apologizing even for YOUR mistakes when I stand by idly getting nothing in return.
If I talk to you and initiate the contact…it would be a mistake. I’ll apologize for you even though I did nothing wrong. I’ll beg you to take me back. We’ll get back together. And it will be this same horrendous, unhealthy cycle all over again.
I’m not going to make these mistakes. I’m not talking to you unless you talk to me first, and even that’s a maybe.
I’m focusing on me for once, and ever since I did that, my life’s gotten better.I left my miserable job and am now working a great one. I am becoming a college professor. I’m going back to school and it’s not even going to cost me anything to do it! I got my 2nd cochlear implant surgery. I visit NYC when I can and I love it every bit as much as I knew it would.
I got baptized. My relationship with God means far more to me than my relationship with you.
I am finding myself in this world, and realizing I have more of an identity than being a trucker’s wife.
And closure? This nearly 5,000 word blog post gave me all of the closure I could ever need. These are all of the words I’d say to you if I was ever going to talk to you again…which I have no plans of doing.
I survived you. Every day I get a little stronger and I realize:
I’m better off without you.
Hey guys! Happy Monday! I don’t usually use those two words together, but I’m really loving my new job and I look forward to the start of a new work week, so it is indeed a happy monday (even though I’m incredibly tired…)
I left off on day 25 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge. This is a fun one: Write About 4 Weird Traits You Possess. So here it goes:
1. I frequently mispronounce words. This is weird when you take in consideration how much I love words. I read all the time and I am a writer by nature. I’m very good with writing words…just not actually saying them. I think this is because I was born with profound hearing loss…approximately 97% deaf.For the first 24 years of my life I really couldn’t hear most words. I learned words primarily from reading them and took a guess at how they were pronounced or how they were suppose to sound. Apparently I’m not very good at guessing…
2. I can’t read anything if there’s music playing or people talking. This trait I really developed after getting my cochlear implants. Now that I can hear sounds and understand them, I cannot focus on a task at hand especially if it requires reading while people or talking or music is playing. I can either listen to a conversation/the radio or read, but I cannot do both at the same time. I’m great at multitasking, which makes this weird. I guess that reading and listening require so much of my energy that it makes it impossible for me to do both at once. This is when I feel the most fortunate to have the ability to turn off all sounds in life. Whenever I want to read and people are talking or music is playing, I take my magnets off and tune out the world. Rude? Usually lol. But oh well, people will get over it. 🙂
3. I love hoagies…but only if I make them. Even though I’ve lived in South Jersey my entire life, I never quite “got” what the big deal with WaWa was. I hate their hoagies. In all honestly though, it’s not just WaWa. I hate just about any pre-made hoagie from any given place. I hate American hoagies. I hate Italian hoagies. Roast beef hoagies freak me out because the meat is never cooked enough. I can tolerate turkey or tuna hoagies…but I hate the cheese they put on them which annoys me. I’d much prefer to make my own hoagies. I love them when I make them. My hoagies usually contain combinations you’d never find on a menu. Here are two of my “signature” hoagies: Olive and munster cheese (this one is pretty simple) and the one that everyone laughs at me for when I order it from Carmen’s deli? An extra spicy one. And by extra spicy I mean this is what it contains: hot capicola, buffalo chicken, pepper ham, and pepperjack cheese. What can I say? Some like it hot!
4. I only wear eyeshadow if it matches my clothes. I really love makeup, but I’m not very good at applying it. I’m also not very good at understanding it. I think you’re supposed to use eyeshadow that matches your eyes and your skin tone. I never understood that. How the heck am I supposed to know how to match my eyes/skin tone? What fun is that? I much prefer to match my eyeshadow with my clothes. If I’m wearing blue, I have on blue eyeshadow. Today I wore a tan skirt so I had on brown eyeshadow. Tomorrow I’m probably wearing black and white, so I’ll wear neutral eyeshadow (only because I don’t have white and that’s the next best thing). I think it’s more fun that way. Everyone tells me I’m weird for doing that though. Oh well. Like I care.
Do any of you guys share these same weird traits? Which one(s)? What are four weird traits of your own?
So…finishing the 30 day writing challenge from May in June…probably not happening. I suck, I’m sorry…but at least I’m still trying, right?
I left off on day 23 which tells me to write about a family member I dislike. I feel like that is just asking for trouble though, so I’d rather not complete that one. Plus, the bible tell us in 1 John 2:9 “Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness.” I may not be close with most of my extended family, but I’m trying my best not to “hate” or even “dislike” them even though I may not agree with many of their decisions.
So anyway, moving alone to day 24: Write About Something You Miss
This reminds me SO much of Holden Caulfield! We both have one big thing in common that I think in many ways defines who we are as people and it may just be why I’m so obsessed with him and why I feel so connected to his character…
We both miss our childhoods.
Throughout The Catcher in the Rye, Holden constantly reflects on his childhood and spends so much time longing for his past. It’s seen at the end when he watches the carousel, it’s seen with the way he wants to catch kids in the field of rye so as to save them and their innocence and their childhood, it’s seen with the way he idolizes Phoebe and misses Allie. It’s seen all throughout the novel.
I am much the same. I miss the simplicities of my childhood. I miss all of the things I used to do. I remember when following the law and going to school for free for 7 or 8 hours a day 5 times a week seemed like torture. Now, I long for those days. I miss all of the classes and the lessons I learned. I miss my teachers and my classmates. I miss being a part of the school newspaper, yearbook club, Interact, etc. I miss how easy it was to fill up your time and to make friends with people. Now, it seems like it’s impossible to have free time to do things I enjoy and to make friends.
I miss playing sports. I miss all of the teams I played on — basketball, track, tennis, field hockey, soccer, etc. I miss having a basketball net in my backyard along with a trampoline which was later replaced with a screenhouse and a badminton set. I miss when my sister and I were best friends and nothing bad happened to come between us ever and things with us were never weird. I miss riding my bike in Pitman down that ramp by the abandoned bank.
I miss when the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me was being betrayed by my “best friend” who told the entire school I had a crush on someone and then tried everything she could to embarrass me.
I miss all of those little weird things I used to do like dying my hair blue, wearing black lipsticks and spikes and bike chains and declaring myself “punk”, “emo”, and “goth” all at once. I miss how free that all made me feel.
I miss the summers I spent with my childhood best friend on my front porch in Pitman playing cards, eating ice cream, and arguing about who the best American Idol contestants were.
I miss not having to pay bills, having no real responsibilities in life.
I miss my grandparents and how I used to spend all of my time outside of school with them. I miss being able to tell them every little detail about my life.
Yes, I miss my childhood. I miss being a kid. My childhood was so much more than just being a kid. It was the older version of myself – my former self, whom I still have bits and pieces of, but will never have the entirety of because it has been sucked up by my adult life.
I wish I could back in time and hold on to my childhood, just for a second longer. I’m sure I’d appreciate it more than I did back then. Just like I know Holden would, too.
So…I ruined my good streak yesterday by not posting. I just got too busy with yard sailing, my hair appointment, spending some time at the pool, making dinner, etc. that by the time I had time to blog, I didn’t have the energy for it. I wanted to make this good rather than just throwing any ol’ thing together.
Anyway, I left off on Day 21 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge. Today I am instructed to look up my horoscope and reflect on it and whether or not it fits me. Except I’m not going to do that.
You see, there used to be a time when I was obsessed with Astrology. I still have a couple of books on it. It fascinated me, but it was beyond a fascination: it became my obsession. I am a Taurus and I always thought the characteristics of a Taurus was spot-on for me: stubborn, passionate lovers, foodies, ambitious, reliable, and at times possessive. But my obsession with astrology went beyond just looking up my horoscope and focusing on Taurus characteristics. I’d look up others horoscopes and judge them based on what their horoscopes said and I’d judge their personality and our compatibility based on the traits of their signs.
Horoscopes sound innocent enough, but when you truly base your life around them, that’s when they can become dangerous. I remember a time about 6 years ago when I befriended a older man who was a mutual friend of some of my friends and who I went to high school and later college with. We were talking and we both liked each other. We’d make plans to see each other, but they never ever ended up working out for us (we actually had a huge blow out fight over this, but that’s another story). I was a Taurus and he was Cancer. The sign for Cancer is a Crab because sometimes they can be kind of well, “crabby”. They also have a tendency to hide in their shell at times. Taurus and Cancer are supposed to be the ideal match in the world of astrology. If my memory is correct, there is no other sign that is supposed to be better for a Taurus than a crab. We both knew this and this became our hope that things would work out great for us.
We never had one single date. We never saw each other beyond school. There was never any hanging out or anything. He’s currently engaged to someone else. Perfect match? Obviously, the world of astrology got that one wrong when it comes to us.
I’d also use astrology to judge his mood all the time. We’d talk every night over AIM (that was the big thing those days). I didn’t have a cell phone with unlimited texting at the time — just a tracfone so texting was too expensive and I couldn’t call because this was before I had my cochlear implants and therefore I couldn’t hear on the phone. Before we talked I’d look up his horoscope. It would often tell me if he was going to be in a good or bad mood and what I could expect. It wasn’t always right, but I put all of my hope and faith in that and trusted in that instead.
Where was God in all of this?
Absent. He was completely absent. I was 20 years old. I was a Christian, but I didn’t really “know” God. If you asked me what my religion was I’d tell you Christianity in a heartbeat, but astrology would have been a more honest answer, since that is where I put my hope, faith, and trust and what I based most of my life on. It was dangerous, stupid, and wrong.
Now that I am deeper in my faith and my understanding of Christ I have since given up on astrology. It’s not real and I have no business basing my life around it — Christ is the center of my life. The bible warns time and time again on the dangers of astrology and mysticism. We see in Leviticus 19:26 that the bible says, “Do not practice divination or sorcery”. Astrology is a form of divination or sorcery. Deuteronomy 18:9-12 & 14 also says, “Do not learn to imitate the detestable ways of the nations there… The nations you will dispossess listen to those who practice sorcery or divination. But as for you, the Lord your God has not permitted you to do so… Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord.” The practice of astrology is a major sin in the Christian religion. The reason is because we are to put all of our faith and trust in God, not sorcery. God already knows every day of our lives — he is the author of our lives. And he will reveal his plan to us at the appropriate time and not a day sooner. Learning our fate through astrology can only bring us great harm as we do not understand what is promised to us in the future yet (and often times it will not be accurate anyway).
Astrology may seem fun and innocent at first, but underneath it all lays the potential for great danger, and it is sinful at best. I’m more than happy to put my astrological days behind me and embrace Christianity and God’s given plan for me and to wait for his perfect timing instead.
Happy Friday! How are you guys doing today? I just received medical clearance for my new job at Penn Medicine so I’m pretty great! A little tired and sore though since I had to get a vaccine for chicken pox a few hours ago, but still in great spirits.
Today is day 20 of the 30 day writing challenge. For day 20 I’m instructed to put my music player on shuffle and write about my reactions for the first 3 songs that come up. I have to admit that today’s challenge makes me a little bit sad. I can’t put my iPod on shuffle because I lost and/or had it stolen from me about a year ago and never found it or got it back. I had an iPod classic with a few thousand songs on it that I used every day and really loved it. Since it’s a discontinued product I can’t just go to a store and buy it easily and prices online for it (even used) have skyrocketed since it’s been discontinued. I am planning to buy one off Amazon or something eventually, I just have some other higher priority expensive items to buy first. So for now I’ve been using Pandora in lieu of my iPod. I put all of my Pandora stations on Shuffle. Here were the results:
- Christina Perri – A Thousand Years
I really like this song. Christina Perry has a really beautiful voice and seems really down to earth. It bothers me that this song was from a Twilight movie though. Christina Perri is so much better than that. This isn’t my favorite song from her (Jar of Hearts is probably my favorite), but I still enjoy this song. She’s really talented.
- Casting Crowns – Glorious Day
Casting Crowns is probably my 2nd favorite band (Good Charlotte is my #1 still). I really love this song. It’s not my favorite of theirs (I really love “Broken Together”, “Thrive” and my favorite is probably “Just Be Held”, but I do like this one. It’s more positive and puts me in a good mood.
- Blondie – One Way Or Another
Blondie is one of the first bands I’ve ever listened to. When I was a little kid I listened to Blondie all the time. I’ve always liked this song, but it’s never been my favorite. I still like it a lot though. I think it’s an anthem for woman to be a little tough or “badass”. I don’t know. I always felt kind of badass listening to it, but that could just be because I started listening to this song when I was like, 4.
What are your thoughts on these 3 songs? Which is your favorite? Out of all 3 of these songs, Casting Crowns’ “Glorious Day” is probably mine. What’s playing on your media player?
Hey guys! Late night post tonight. It was a big day! It was my last day working for Becker’s School Supplies and my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary so I was kind of tied up for most of the day. But I’m off tomorrow (other than needing to get a vaccine for my new job) and have a bit of time right now to write. I am on day 19 of the 30 day writing challenge which instructs me to write about my top 5 fears. Here we go (not in any particular order):
1. Failure. This one probably takes the cake for being my top fear. I have really bad anxiety from time to time. I am terrified of failure. I don’t want to let the people in my life down and disappoint anyone. I don’t want to fail in life. I fear ending up alone, never having kids, never making a name for myself, never finding happiness, ruining my life, and just simply failing at life.
2. Worms. I HATE worms! They are so creepy. They are slimy, gross, dirty an just outright creepy. If you chop its head off, it just grows back. I’m pretty sure they don’t have eyes or anything. How are these things even alive? Once when I was a kid my sister gathered a bucket full of worms and dumped them all down my shirt. I still haven’t forgiven her for that. I don’t think I ever will.
3. Heights. I don’t do heights except for roller coasters. I really love roller coasters including Kingda Ka.The thing is with roller coasters I am strapped into a harness and I can’t move or go anywhere so I don’t worry about falling and dying. I really get freaked out by heights when I’m high up in an open space. I don’t do balconies. I don’t do nosebleed seats at concerts or sporting events. I get uncomfortable being too close to the stairs/ledge at the second floor of the mall. I’m always afraid I’m going to fall and die.
4. Ferris Wheels. I’ll gladly ride any roller coaster you ask me to. The higher the speed, the more twists and turns, the more “dangerous” it seems, the better. But don’t ask me to go on a kid’s ride like the ferris wheel or I’ll freak. I have never in my 26 years of life ridden on a ferris wheel and I have absolutely no intention of ever changing that. When I was a kid I heard many stories of people getting stuck on the top and being stranded for hours. Me + heights + being stuck at the top of a ferris wheel? No thanks. I never had this fear with roller coasters. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe it’s because they go so fast you can’t even really process what is happening whereas ferris wheels go so slow you can’t help but notice how high up you are.Whatever the case may be, ferris wheels and I are not friends.
5. Pregnancy. I really want to have my own natural-born kids if possible, but I dread having to go through the whole pregnancy thing. It’s like, really really creepy. There is nothing beautiful about giving birth (no offense to anyone out there). You have a baby growing inside you during pregnancy and that’s just beyond creepy. I’m terrified of accidentally killing my unborn child and having a miscarriage. I am so incredibly clumsy and I feel like a fetus is a pretty fragile thing. If I fall or bump into anything I could accidentally kill it and I’d never be able to live with myself if that happened. The fact that a fetus grows on am umbilical cord is the creepiest thing in the world to me. It freaks me out beyond belief. I can’t even explain it. It’s just kind of gross. The fact that some women choose to eat their placenta and/or keep their umbilical cord after giving birth sickens me. And when babies are first born they aren’t at all cute. They are covered in blood and look like gross little aliens until they are cleaned off. It’s sick. Oh and let’s not forget the actual giving birth part. The idea of pushing a baby out creeps me out ungodly. I don’t fear my own death, but I fear screwing this part up really bad and having the baby get stuck or trapped or not being able to do it and again, accidentally killing my baby or giving birth to a stillborn child or something. Pregnancy and childbirth is really intense and scares the living daylights out of me. I’m not at all afraid of being a parent…it’s all the things that come first that creep me out and scare me. I’m pretty sure I probably offended many mothers or expecting mothers with this. If I did I apologize that’s not at all my intention, just voicing an opinion here.
I don’t really have many fears at all, but these were the 5 main ones that first came to mind. Does anyone else share these fears? If not, what (if anything) are you afraid of?