If you clicked on this link to read this blog post, then obviously my header worked.
Those who don’t know me that well probably think I’m nuts. I don’t have a boyfriend. Instead of a boyfriend, I have a laundry list of ex-boyfriends and failed relationships. My longest relationship is hardly worth celebrating. It ended almost exactly 3 months ago, was with a man I only saw about once or twice a month, and in the end I got cheated on and realized I was in a bit of a one-sided relationship.
But, that’s kind of the point. That’s kind of why my relationships never work out. I want a husband, but everyone that I date just wants a girlfriend (and sometimes that is even stretching it thin. I’ve had an ex or two who didn’t even seem to want that much of a commitment.
I am far from being anywhere near ready to get married, which I have stated time and time again. But what is the point in dating without marriage in view? I am a Christian. I believe in biblical relationships. No offense to those who are into the casual fling, those who just want to swipe right and find someone to sleep with tonight, those who don’t want any commitment. But that’s not me.
I don’t want someone to just take me out to dinner (although I do appreciate it).
I don’t want someone to just buy me things (although it is nice).
I don’t want someone to just take me on vacation (although it is fun).
I definitely don’t just want someone to hook up with and to keep my bed warm tonight (no further comment needed on this one).
I want a husband.
I don’t want someone temporary. I want someone for forever and for always.
Those of you who know me better will not at all be surprised by anything I say in this post. In fact, it may even sound familiar, especially if you are a fellow Christian who shares some of the same beliefs.
Perhaps you’re familiar with a little book by Joshua Harris titled “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”?
I’ve written about this book on here in the past and the way it changed my view on dating and relationships. I’ll admit that I don’t always do a great job of listening to Harris’ great advice, but I try and I’m much better than I was a few years ago.
Harris says a lot in his book that I agree with that can help me to further explain why I want a husband. Here are a select few quotes that especially speak to me:
“Deepening intimacy without defining a level of commitment is dangerous. It`s like going mountain climbing with a partner who isn’t sure she wants the responsibility of holding your rope. ”
“Dating distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future.”
Harris also went on to explain a lot about how you should be ready to make a sacrifice in your relationship. You should be looking for a lifetime commitment and preparing yourself for it — thinking in terms of finances and family.
I agree so much with this. That’s probably why I’m single.
I’ve been told I can be a little too intense in relationships. Too fast. I even had my most recent ex-boyfriend’s grandmother say that to me prior to our breakup.
But guess what? I’m not sorry. Not even a little bit.
I don’t want a boyfriend, I want a husband.
I want someone to show me they can keep a steady job with a steady income. You don’t have to be rich, but you should be able to support a family or at least be working towards getting to that point (maybe you’re in school so you can get a degree to get a better job, etc.). I don’t want you to have a good job so you can buy me stuff; I want you to have a good job so you can work towards a better future — so you can afford a nice home, support a family, etc.
I want someone I can stand living with. If the thought of living with you scares me more than it excites me, then why bother?
I want someone who grew up with similar morals, values, or a background.
This is a lesson I learned the hard way. I didn’t think it was that important to have similar backgrounds. It is okay to be different, but you should probably share similar morals, beliefs, or ways of living. It’s hard to manage if you don’t. For example, my most recent ex frequently went on vacation with his family. But they didn’t have nice home cooked meals or take care of their home at all. When I visited their home I was a bit horrified. It was dirty. There weren’t enough bedrooms for all of the people living there. There wasn’t enough furniture. I’m not saying it was wrong. It was right for them, but it wasn’t right for me. Our upbringings were so vastly different from each others and we each believed that our background was the “right” one. We couldn’t really compromise because they were both so different. I need someone who comes from a similar background with similar morals, values, and beliefs as me. Someone who values family life, the home, and simple things like keeping the home tidy and enjoying family meals together.
I want a husband who is more than just my companion or my partner, but also a father.
I want kids. Not now, but in the future. And if I can’t have kids then I want to adopt. I believe this is what God would want me to do. I need someone that is dependable. Not just for me, but for my future kids, too. The thought of my partner being a father to my child shouldn’t horrify me, it should excite me because there should be no doubt in my mind that my children will always be taken care of, loved, and supported.
In my last relationship I began to fear for my future. We both wanted kids, but I began to question how well that would work. I never ever want to feel “stuck” in a relationship or like I am settling, especially not when it comes to my kids. My parents always taught me that no matter what is going on in your life or your relationship or whatever, your kids always come first. I got scared as things in my last relationship began to get more serious because I couldn’t see my boyfriend — whom I was trying to view as my future husband — as being a great loving, supportive father. I know he would’ve tried his best, but would the children always be his priority? I didn’t think they would be. I was never his priority; his job was. I could see him choosing work over our kids. I didn’t want that. I want a husband that will be there to love, cherish, and support our kids as much as I will. Because parenting shouldn’t be a one-sided effort; it takes two to make a child and it takes two to raise a child.
I want a husband who is there for good times and bad times.
It is so easy to be there for someone for good times. I think this is where most relationships go wrong. Everyone, including myself, loves the worldly view of dating and relationships. Who doesn’t like to go out for a nice dinner, have fun at an arcade (or I guess to speak in terms of my generation….which I’m convinced I don’t belong in…have a few shots at the bar). These are the best times of a relationship. But what happens when those times end? Usually the relationship ends, too.
I don’t want things to be like that.
My parents taught me what love really is. They taught me the importance of having someone there for you not just for the good times, but the bad times too. You need to be able to depend on each other, because sometimes that’s all you have.
Take my parents for instance. They were in their early-mid 20’s with two young kids at home. Only been married for a few years. My dad was dying. It couldn’t have been more terrifying for my mom. A lot of people in her position might have walked away. They wouldn’t have been able to handle the thought of losing their husband and being forced to raise and support two young children on their own. But not my mom. She stood by my dad every step of the way. She fired half of his doctors even his surgeon as he was about to operate on my dad because she didn’t feel they were treating my dad well enough (good call, since they weren’t). My dad was too sick and weakened to make these kinds of decisions on his own. He had to depend on my mom to do it for him and she not only did it, she excelled.
This is what I want in my life. A love so strong I never have to worry if I can depend on my mate — I will know I can.
I want a husband that I can live both separately and together alongside with. I want a husband that understands the importance of giving me my freedom and independence and doesn’t try to change the person that I am. I want a husband that not only allows me to be myself, but one that loves and cherishes all of the parts of me that makes me unique. I want a husband that never stops pushing and encouraging me to be the absolute best possible version of myself.
But at the same time, I want a husband to exist along side of me. We’re different just like how Adam and Eve were, but we’re the same altogether since I am a part of you; I am your rib. We make all major decisions together, as a team. It’s never a quick “yes” or a quick “no”, but instead it’s a mutual decision that we come to together that will help us both to grow as children of God and to strengthen our relationship with each other (and if kids are involved, our children, too).
I want a husband. It’s not enough to just date around or to have another un-meaningful, waste-of-time relationship. If we’re not going anywhere or if you don’t want marriage or see that as the ultimate goal here, don’t waste my time.
I’m not looking for someone for a season, I’m looking for someone for forever.
I’m looking for my husband.
But at the same time I know that a husband isn’t something you just go out and find (trust me, I think I *FINALLY* learned my lesson about online dating. Re: it doesn’t work. Took me long enough to learn that.)
All I can do is work on being the best version of myself. I can work and pray to God that I can become more like a Proverbs 31 woman so that I may be prepared not only to find my husband at the appropriate time, but to be not a good, Proverbs 31 wife to him, too.
I pray every day that God will help me to become more patient. Lord knows this is one of my biggest vices — I am an extremely impatient person. I try to rush through everything in life. I wish I could see my future and who my husband will be today, but I know that I can’t. I pray that God will help to view my singleness as a gift and to use it in a way he intends me to to better honor and glorify him and to use my gift of singleness to serve him. For there is no better relationship we can have, regardless of our marital status, then that with our Lord and creator.
I can pray that God will lead me to my husband and help me to develop or build upon a friendship — the foundation that we will need before we can begin a courtship and then “dating” (which is much different than the worldly version of it) and then talk about marriage.
It is a process, and not something that happens overnight. But at the same time, I don’t see a point in entering into any “relationship” without having this in the back of my mind.
I want a husband. And one day, in God’s perfect timing, I’ll have my husband.