It’s been a long, hard week.
Change is inevitable, but sometimes it hits us in the face in the most unexpected times.
We learn that people we thought were on our side, maybe they really weren’t on our side at all. And sometimes we will never understand why.
Even if people don’t have a reason to do so. They will make one up when you least expect it. My dad always did tell me that you can trust very few people in your life — maybe as many as only 3.
Still, when I got kicked out of the Trucker Girlfriend/Wives Support group I was in on Facebook, it hurt. That was not something I was expecting.
Days before being kicked out the admin of the group and someone who was very closely connected to the admin made a point to try to get to know me better. This was immediately after they kicked my secret sister out of the group. I was told that my secret sister was kicked out for betraying the trust of the group. I am unsure precisely what that meant. I always thought of her as being a nice girl and never seen her doing anything unusual that struck me as being a betrayal. But I didn’t feel it was really my place to comment on the issue — maybe they knew something that I didn’t — so I just let it be. Or so I tried.
Suddenly these girls, whom I’ve talked to on occasion of course, wanted to be my best friends. They messaged me constantly. One of them had her own Trucker Support Facebook Fan page that she invited me to be an admin of. I gladly accepted. I enjoyed working on the page. I do social media for a living anyway, so this was a fun way to use my talent. She also gave me access to her newly created Instagram that went along with it. Things seemed to be going really great. I had trouble keeping up with her sometimes though. I work full time and when I’m not working I’m usually freelancing, on the phone with my trucker boyfriend, at the gym, or sleeping. I don’t have much free time outside of work.
I had a really rough day this Tuesday. Some issues came up in my personal life. Issues and opportunities really. Some are exciting, some are scary, some are both. I am in a difficult place in my life right now and some of it gets upsetting. I was very upset on Tuesday. I spent much of the night talking things through on the phone with my boyfriend. I didn’t answer all of the messages from the girls from the group because I was busy on the phone and trying to make these major life decisions, or at the very least, talk through some of them.
I wasn’t ignoring anyone, I just was too busy to talk. I received some more messages at 11 at night. They asked what I was doing and if I wanted to talk. I was exhausted. I was physically and emotionally drained. I haven’t slept well the days before and the day was overwhelming, challenging, and a bit upsetting. I wasn’t in the mood to really talk to anyone at all at that point. I really just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that, but I guess they took things the wrong way.
I woke up in the middle of the night, at around 3 or 4 in the morning to some more messages. They said I was acting odd and they didn’t trust me. I was accused of deleting and blocking members, which I never did. I was removed and blocked from others, but not of my own doing. I am unsure what happened, but it was nothing on my end. I was very hurt.
I tried to explain things to the admin the next day. She offered to try to work things out with me. I still felt like I was being wrongfully accused of things and blamed for starting drama — none of which I did. She started to get kind of mad because I was reading the messages but not responding right away — I wanted time to think about the messages and everything that happened and I was also at work and after work, on the phone most of the night, trying to discuss things with my boyfriend. We needed to talk. I’m sorry, but my boyfriend is a bit of a higher priority than other trucker’s wives and girlfriends who I never even met in real life.
She offered to talk things through and possibly invite me back to the group. But after careful consideration, I said no.
I did a lot of thinking these past few days. And I realized, maybe I don’t belong in this group after all.
Yes, I’m in a relationship with a trucker.
But I am not a trucker wife…and I don’t think I ever will be.
I’m not saying Larry and I will never get married. I’m not saying that at all. Truth is, Larry and I have no idea what will or won’t happen in the future. We just know we’re a long way away from marriage. But even if we do get married, I don’t think I will ever identify as being a “trucker wife”.
I don’t speak for everyone in the group when I say this, but speaking from my experience, this is what I learned:
Most of the women are trucker wives. And that is their identity. That is their career. That is their sole life purpose — being a trucker wife.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I’m not saying that at all. If you’re a trucker wife and your whole life is dedicated to being a trucker wife and you’re happy with that life you’ve chosen — more power to you. At the end of the day, your happiness is all that matters.
But that is not me, nor will it ever be me.
I will never settle for a life as a trucker’s wife. I’m a very proud trucker girlfriend and I will support my boyfriend for as long as we’re together and I would absolutely do the same as his wife if we did get married, but I will never identify as a trucker’s wife.
I am well educated.
I am a Digital Marketing Manager – SMO (I do internet marketing with my main focus on social media…although I do have a few SEO clients as well for those of you wondering what that means).
I am writing a novel.
I am a suicide prevention advocate and author of a young adult book that deals with teenage suicide/depression.
I am deaf.
I am loud.
I am deaf and loud.
Being a trucker’s girlfriend is one part of the whole that I am. My boyfriend plays a very important part in my life, but he does not, nor will he ever, control me or be the only thing I identify with in my life.
And I know this is what he wants. Larry and I had many discussions about this over time. Yes, he absolutely wants me to come on the road with him sometime, but that doesn’t mean ALL the time. He wants me to have my own life, too! He wants me to work and follow my dreams and do the things that make me the happiest in life.
Even if that means not being a “Trucker’s Wife”.