It’s been a long, hard week.
Change is inevitable, but sometimes it hits us in the face in the most unexpected times.
We learn that people we thought were on our side, maybe they really weren’t on our side at all. And sometimes we will never understand why.
Even if people don’t have a reason to do so. They will make one up when you least expect it. My dad always did tell me that you can trust very few people in your life — maybe as many as only 3.
Still, when I got kicked out of the Trucker Girlfriend/Wives Support group I was in on Facebook, it hurt. That was not something I was expecting.
Days before being kicked out the admin of the group and someone who was very closely connected to the admin made a point to try to get to know me better. This was immediately after they kicked my secret sister out of the group. I was told that my secret sister was kicked out for betraying the trust of the group. I am unsure precisely what that meant. I always thought of her as being a nice girl and never seen her doing anything unusual that struck me as being a betrayal. But I didn’t feel it was really my place to comment on the issue — maybe they knew something that I didn’t — so I just let it be. Or so I tried.
Suddenly these girls, whom I’ve talked to on occasion of course, wanted to be my best friends. They messaged me constantly. One of them had her own Trucker Support Facebook Fan page that she invited me to be an admin of. I gladly accepted. I enjoyed working on the page. I do social media for a living anyway, so this was a fun way to use my talent. She also gave me access to her newly created Instagram that went along with it. Things seemed to be going really great. I had trouble keeping up with her sometimes though. I work full time and when I’m not working I’m usually freelancing, on the phone with my trucker boyfriend, at the gym, or sleeping. I don’t have much free time outside of work.
I had a really rough day this Tuesday. Some issues came up in my personal life. Issues and opportunities really. Some are exciting, some are scary, some are both. I am in a difficult place in my life right now and some of it gets upsetting. I was very upset on Tuesday. I spent much of the night talking things through on the phone with my boyfriend. I didn’t answer all of the messages from the girls from the group because I was busy on the phone and trying to make these major life decisions, or at the very least, talk through some of them.
I wasn’t ignoring anyone, I just was too busy to talk. I received some more messages at 11 at night. They asked what I was doing and if I wanted to talk. I was exhausted. I was physically and emotionally drained. I haven’t slept well the days before and the day was overwhelming, challenging, and a bit upsetting. I wasn’t in the mood to really talk to anyone at all at that point. I really just wanted to go to sleep. I tried to explain that, but I guess they took things the wrong way.
I woke up in the middle of the night, at around 3 or 4 in the morning to some more messages. They said I was acting odd and they didn’t trust me. I was accused of deleting and blocking members, which I never did. I was removed and blocked from others, but not of my own doing. I am unsure what happened, but it was nothing on my end. I was very hurt.
I tried to explain things to the admin the next day. She offered to try to work things out with me. I still felt like I was being wrongfully accused of things and blamed for starting drama — none of which I did. She started to get kind of mad because I was reading the messages but not responding right away — I wanted time to think about the messages and everything that happened and I was also at work and after work, on the phone most of the night, trying to discuss things with my boyfriend. We needed to talk. I’m sorry, but my boyfriend is a bit of a higher priority than other trucker’s wives and girlfriends who I never even met in real life.
She offered to talk things through and possibly invite me back to the group. But after careful consideration, I said no.
I did a lot of thinking these past few days. And I realized, maybe I don’t belong in this group after all.
Yes, I’m in a relationship with a trucker.
But I am not a trucker wife…and I don’t think I ever will be.
I’m not saying Larry and I will never get married. I’m not saying that at all. Truth is, Larry and I have no idea what will or won’t happen in the future. We just know we’re a long way away from marriage. But even if we do get married, I don’t think I will ever identify as being a “trucker wife”.
I don’t speak for everyone in the group when I say this, but speaking from my experience, this is what I learned:
Most of the women are trucker wives. And that is their identity. That is their career. That is their sole life purpose — being a trucker wife.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I’m not saying that at all. If you’re a trucker wife and your whole life is dedicated to being a trucker wife and you’re happy with that life you’ve chosen — more power to you. At the end of the day, your happiness is all that matters.
But that is not me, nor will it ever be me.
I will never settle for a life as a trucker’s wife. I’m a very proud trucker girlfriend and I will support my boyfriend for as long as we’re together and I would absolutely do the same as his wife if we did get married, but I will never identify as a trucker’s wife.
I am well educated.
I am a Digital Marketing Manager – SMO (I do internet marketing with my main focus on social media…although I do have a few SEO clients as well for those of you wondering what that means).
I am writing a novel.
I am a suicide prevention advocate and author of a young adult book that deals with teenage suicide/depression.
I am deaf.
I am loud.
I am deaf and loud.
Being a trucker’s girlfriend is one part of the whole that I am. My boyfriend plays a very important part in my life, but he does not, nor will he ever, control me or be the only thing I identify with in my life.
And I know this is what he wants. Larry and I had many discussions about this over time. Yes, he absolutely wants me to come on the road with him sometime, but that doesn’t mean ALL the time. He wants me to have my own life, too! He wants me to work and follow my dreams and do the things that make me the happiest in life.
Even if that means not being a “Trucker’s Wife”.
Everyone I know is getting pregnant, engaged, or married these days.
In the past 24 hours I heard of one person getting married and another person just announced their pregnancy.
And these aren’t people I think of as “adults”…one is one of my former classmates, a kid I grew up with who is a couple of months younger than me. The other was my sister’s best friend in high school.
Come to think of it, I guess they are adults now. I am an adult. But at what age do these things happen and it seems normal? I’m 25 now and I can tell you, this doesn’t seem normal. I still feel like we’re all too young to be getting married and making babies…even if the one guy was with his girlfriend for at least the last 5 years or even if my sister (who has two children of her own)’s best friend just got married a couple months ago after being with her boyfriend for a couple of years as well.
I guess technically, 25 is an adult. Legally, 18 is an adult. Both of my parent were married at 18 and my mom had my sister when she was 19. But thing aren’t like how they used to be. People live longer now. We have all of the time in the world, so why are we in such a rush to get married and make babies and have that happily ever after?
I’m happy for everyone, really I am. It just is weird to me. I have trouble comprehending it all.
In exactly one week, my boyfriend Larry and I will have been together for exactly one year. We’ve been asked by many people in the past year when the wedding will be, if we think we’ll get married, yada yada yada.
I don’t think I’ll marry Larry, I know it. I have always know it.
But at the same time…don’t expect us to rush to the altar any time soon.
Larry and I will not get married today.
Larry and I will not get married tomorrow, either.
Or the next day.
Or the day after the next day.
Or anytime within the next year.
Or the year after the next.
We have no intentions to get married until I am 29 and he is 30. We are currently only 25 and 26…we still have quite a ways to go.
We see nothing at all wrong with wanting to wait. It doesn’t mean we love each other any less. I could make the argument that rather, it shows just how much we do love each other. We love and respect each other enough to want to wait. If you only waited a couple months before getting married and/or bringing a child into the world because you know that he or she was the one, good for you.
But you are not us.
We are not you.
What is right for you is not necessarily what is right for us.
We love each other very much, but we want to learn to love each other even better before saying “I do”.
We know that we are not ready.
So what’s the point in jumping into something we know we’re not ready for? That sounds to me like a recipe for disaster. The divorce rate is pretty high these days. We don’t want to be adding our names to that statistic.
Larry and I are 25 and 26, maybe in your world or by your standards we are adults, but to us we are still kids. We aren’t ready to play house or mommy and daddy. The later part of this sentence absolutely horrifies me. I can’t imagine having kids right now. I would die. But one day that thought won’t horrify me. One day I will be ready and I’ll be a great mom, but that day isn’t going to be today.
Larry and I have a different kind of relationship than most people have. It’s old fashioned. And it’s also a bit less-than traditional.
We hold onto old fashioned views and values. We are both Christians. Our religion and our faith-based morals are extremely important to each other. There are things that we do not like, support, believe in, or partake in. Rather than listing each and everything thing, I’ll leave that up to you to figure out. Open the bible and you’ll find it all in there.
Also, one of the biggest things that everyone forgets is that Larry is a truck driver. This is what makes our relationship a bit less than traditional. Think of your relationship with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, whatever. Think about that first year of dating. How often did you see that person? How many dates did you have? Even if you only went on one date a week, it would have been at least 52 dates.
Let’s compare things to how it is with dating a truck driver. On average, I see Larry about once or twice a month. I’ll estimate on the high side because their were those times when he was home a bit more when he was in school or in between jobs. So let’s say he’s home twice a month and we see each other once each time he is home. There are 12 months in a year. 12 x 2 = 24.
52 – 24 = 28.
The average couple, in their first year of dating, has spent approximately 28 more days with their significant other than Larry and I has. 28 days is a lot of time to take to help you to get to know that person. That’s 28 days that we have missed out on that we will be working to make up over the next couple of years.
Larry and I need more time to date. We need more time to be kids. We need more time to have fun and not deal with the responsibilities of marriage and kids. We are adults; that’s why we work so much. But we need to have that time together when neither one of us is working. That time where if we want we an take a week and go to Disney together, or even just a weekend in Lancaster (both of which we have done or are planning to do).
We need those days where we pack a picnic in the park and shoot each other with nerf guns. No kids included, because we ARE the kids.
We need those nights where we have no plans, and I just tell Larry “surprise me — you pick”.
We need those nights — my favorite in the world — where we stay out until 4 or 5 am, most of those hours of which are simply pent in his car, parked outside of the apartment complex where I live with my parents, and he sleepily sings to me and holds me tight as I rest my head against him and feel like I’m the only thing in the world he can see at the moment.
We need those nights when we are the only things in each other’s world — because days like these won’t last forever — we need to hold on and cherish this moment while we still can.
Larry and I need to live at home, and not together right now.
Their are countless references in the bible of how a man (or a woman) should live with his or her parents until married. Which we are not.
We need to be there for our families, because one day, our families won’t be around anymore. Life is too short, these moments won’t last forever.
Also, in case you haven’t noticed, the cost of living is pretty high.
Larry and I need to work. We need to gain experience. We need to earn an income. We need to save. We need to plan.
We can’t just pick a place and move in overnight. Nor do we want to.
Larry and I want to live together when we are engaged, which I already mentioned won’t happen anytime soon. We want to learn how to live with each other before we make that commitment and walk down that aisle.
So many couples make the mistake of saying “I Do” before they even realize what they are agreeing to. Marriage is not a temporary thing, or at least it shouldn’t be. Larry and I are very much determined to be each other’s lifelong partners, to hold great value and emphasis in those wedding vows, and to dedicate our lives to each other day in and day out in our marriage. But in order to get to that point, we have a lot of learning to do.
We are still learning who we are. We are still learning our likes, dislikes, wants, needs, and desires. We are learning how to love each other, even on the days when we don’t particularly like each other very much. Love is a journey, and like all great journeys, they take time and things don’t happen overnight. What good is a journey that is short and rushed?
To say it simply,
Larry and I are in it for the long haul. We will definitely get married and have children and live happily ever after. But no time soon.
We’re not about to rush to the altar.
We will wait until we’re ready. And everyone will be the first to know when that day comes, after my parents know of course since we are old fashioned and Larry will go to my parents first to ask permission. Then everyone else will know mainly because Larry’s girlfriend doesn’t know how to shut up about things like these. :).
But until then, for the love of God,