Image Credits: Raychel Mendez
Last week I read an article on Thought Catalog by Aiz Alegre titled “Loving You Was Worth The Heartbreak”. I can’t get this article off of my mind. It was so perfect. It described everything I felt, and still do feel, for Casey so well. I had to double check the author’s name on more than one occasion to make sure someone didn’t publish something I have written. It was absolutely something I’d write and very similar to the blog posts I already wrote regarding my relationship with Casey.
Some of my friends were a bit less than happy with me for posting a link to the Thought Catalog article and talking about how much I related to it, how it described everything I felt. But here’s the thing: I do believe Casey was worth all of the heartbreak and pain he brought on to me. I will never regret our relationship. And I don’t think this is a bad thing at all.
I can’t begin to describe everything I felt, experienced, and been through regarding my relationship with Casey. At best, I can only attempt, but I don’t believe anyone else will ever fully understand or comprehend how much Casey meant to me or the impact this relationship had on me, how or why it was different from anything I ever experienced, and why, despite all of the pain, I still feel it was worth it.
Here’s the thing, Casey broke my heart and screwed with my emotions. He did some screwed up things that I will never fully comprehend and I no longer know what was or wasn’t real.The only thing I know for sure is that I was crazy about him…crazy in love with him.
When we broke up I felt pain like never before. I felt utterly broken. I’m pretty sure I felt all 7 stages of grief 10xs over. I cried. I broke things. blogged. I felt anger. I felt okay. I felt happy. I accepted it was over. I begged him to take me back. We worked on getting back together, and everything repeated itself several times. It was a rollercoaster.
I have now finally accepted that this is truly over and done with. We will never get married. We will never bear children. We will never have our happily ever after. But that’s okay. I loved and I lost, but it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
I learned a lot from my relationship with Casey, and I’m still learning everyday.
The three most important lessons I learned are:
1. Love is not sex. You don’t have to have sex to love someone. Love in itself should be enough. I never have felt a deeper form of love than what I felt for Casey. We obviously weren’t having sex considering we couldn’t see each other being 1,000 miles away. Love was enough…for awhile, anyway.
2. Never settle. Casey was everything I ever wanted in a partner…or at least I thought he was. It was the perfect relationship until he left. That kinda ruined things. But I haven’t dated anyone or really even looked too closely at anyone since we broke up. No one has compared — everything has been a huge step down. Why am I going to settle for something that isn’t truly going to make me happy? Something better than Casey exists and in time I will find it. Why bother wasting time on things that I don’t want, that won’t make me happy in the mean time?
3. Regret nothing. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Never regret something that once made you smile. Life is a never ending learning experience. Everything happens for a reason. I needed Casey in my life at this time for a reason. I learned a lot from Casey. Yes, it didn’t last. Yes he broke my heart and practically destroyed me. But yes, I would also do it all over again in a heart beat. Casey confirmed what I always suspected, what I wanted so badly to believe to be the truth. I know it is the truth now — it is absolutely possible to fall madly, stupidly, passionately in love with someone. To be completely attracted to them based on the person they are (or I guess it’s more appropriate in this case to say the person I believed Casey to be, since I’m not sure what was or wasn’t real…). To be in love with their soul and to fill a spiritual connection…as if your two hearts, souls, emotions, everything is completely in sync with each other. Love does not have to be a physical thing at all…it is so much more.
My relationship with Casey was amazing, but it didn’t last. When it ended it was painful. Very, very painful. But I know it’s over and done with and the pain is finally starting to reside. What I had with Casey is the kind of thing most people could only dream of having…the kind of thing you only read about in books. But it was real, very really, and I don’t and never will regret it.
On a more positive note, Casey is not my Prince Charming. He is not the one.
Something…someone better…is out there for me. I will get my happy ending in time. And if what I had with Casey was a magical, wanderlust of a love story, well, no words have been invented to describe the next chapter in the (hopefully) everlasting love story. I’m excited to find it when the time is right, though.
In short, Casey, it’s done. It’s over with. It was amazing. It was painful. It was amazingly painful. But it was worth it. Loving you was worth the heart break.