loving-myself

Image Credits: My Crazy Life as a Navy Wife 

This is still hard. Maybe moving on is easy for some people. Like “hey this guy treated me like crap but he’s gone now so my life’s going to get so much better.” I mean yes, that’s absolutely the truth, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I still remember how things used to be and it’s so hard to let go of it all. It still feels like I just lost my best friend and I don’t know how to live anymore.

I have so much anger, hatred, pain, and frustration inside of me. I’m so extremely  bitter. The first time Casey screwed me over I broke everything connected to him. I’m out of things to break but still not exactly the most sane person in the world. This weekend I went on a cleaning spree and a two hour walk. It was a little crazy, but helpful.

I feel like I need to reevaluate my life, who I am, and what I want. I want to spend a lot of time alone, focusing on me. Rediscovering old passions, the things I love and kind of forgot about. I want to date myself right now, basically.

When I went on my walk this weekend, I had no destination. I was literally walking around Washington Township completely aimlessly making the most random turns just to see where I would end up. I ended up at Thomas Jefferson Elementary School. I think it was about two mile from my home.

Thomas Jefferson Elementary School, like most elementary schools, has a playground. I couldn’t resist swinging. I stayed there for about an hour just swinging and really thinking about everything in my life. I remembered meeting one of my best friends in elementary school on a swing set and I wished life could go back like that…when everything was so simple. There were boys, but there wasn’t relationships. They was still so much more intimacy, a closeness, a different form of love. Just two kids side by side on the swings. And in the summer we’d play cards on the porch and eat ice cream. I’m 23. I guess this is growing up — you can’t have those things anymore. But Oh, how badly I want to go back.

I realized this weekend something else. I spend too much time plugged in focused on others and the outside world. Social media is not a convenience for me — it’s a problem. I’m extremely addicted to it and it wastes so much of my time — and for what? It doesn’t serve much of a positive function in my life. Do I really need to know everyone’s every move? Who even are these people? Why do I care? Do I care, seriously? Or am I just pretending? Does it even matter?

I feel like social media is controlling too much of me and my happiness. I’m too connected. This is how I met Casey…through the internet. This is how we maintained our relationship…through social media. This is how he left me — both times. How positive, right?

I didn’t go completely disconnected this weekend. I’m not sure I’m completely capable of that, but I did cut back significantly. Instead of being glued to my phone and laptop I cleaned. I took long baths that inspired me with new writing ideas that are proven to be great. I read hundreds of pages and remembered how passionate I am about books, especially classic literature. I thought about grad school and how the idea of earning a Master’s in English from Rutgers Camden is still very appealing. I even considered printing out an application.

I felt happy. Sometimes it was combined with sadness. I did want to cry a bit. Luckily I had some good friends on hand to talk me through some of my anger, bitterness, and pain. It was helpful.

I watched Netflix in bed while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, like your typical broken female. But at that particular moment I didn’t feel broken. I felt relaxed and like in time, I would be okay.

Casey controlled so much of my life ever since I knew him. When I first met him I felt utterly broken and worthless and I DEPENDED on him to make me feel okay again. To show me my worth. I couldn’t do it on my own. I NEEDED him.

I depended on Casey for my happiness. I needed him in order to be happy. I needed him to share everything with. I needed him to live. He was a strong part of my identity. Without him I didn’t exist.

But it was wrong.

Casey didn’t need me. He still doesn’t and he’s made that very obvious.

As for me? I can do better. I don’t mean to sound like a narciss, but I like to think I’m better than Casey. I sure as hell treated him better than he treated me. That’s pretty much a fact.

So I’m going to try to be a bit nicer to myself. A bit more understand. I’m going to date myself and I’m not going to like it. I’m going to [learn to] love it.

Hi Kimberly, meet Kimberly.

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