This is going to sound stupid. A 23 year old (soon to be 24) blogging in a fit of rage what love is and what it isn’t.Oh and not just that…a 23 year old who’s been through3 boyfriends in less than 2 years…the longest relationship being just 5 months long.

But my relationships taught me a lot about myself. Life. Love. And how many people in society have it all wrong. I’ve made mistakes and questioned my theories on love. I’ve had some relationships that were very different from each other. My most serious, intimate, longest lasting relationship should have been my first love.

But it wasn’t.

Not even close.

We would talk about being engaged. There wasn’t a ring or a formal proposal by any means, but we told each other we were secretly engaged. We talked about going to the courthouse and getting legally married a few times. He started to look at engagement rings with his mother.

When things got the most serious….we started fighting. Non-stop.

I couldn’t stand it.

It got verbally abusive and horrible.

One of the things we fought the most about was what love is and what love isn’t. We had very different views. Looking back I still don’t see a shred of love in that relationship, especially not from me. It was something to do. And a horrible horrible mistake. I walked out of that relationship pretty scarred up. I still struggle to cope with the poor decisions I  made back then. A lot of things happened that never should have. Mainly  because we didn’t love each other.

I dated someone else about six months later. It was a better relationship, but it didn’t last very long. Just a few weeks, maybe a month. Love was a big issue in this relationship as well. One of us wanted love. The other just kind of wanted to have fun. It wasn’t that anyone was wrong or right…we just merely wanted different things. Breaking up was a great decision because it allowed us to be friends. We broke up just in time before any serious damage could occur. I respect him for ending this when he did.

Casey was different. Casey was love. I can’t even begin to describe it.Everyone thinks I’m insane and I guess I am. I wrote quite a bit about Casey in the past. Casey and I didn’t have a physical relationship. Casey and I barely even saw each other since we live over 1,000 miles away.

But guess what? He’s the only man I ever really loved. We didn’t need a physical relationship. We had each other. We had pure, raw, true love that you only hear about in movies. Yes…that actually still exists.

I kissed Casey once on the cheek on our 2nd night together. It caught him off guard a little. On our last night together he kissed me on the cheek goodbye. That was the height of our “intimacy”. Or what society defines intimacy to be.

Society has taught us that sex is love. The more sex you have, the better off you are. If you’re not having sex, you have no love. There’s something wrong with you.

But I don’t believe that. To me sex can come from love (and in my personal opinion which tends to piss people off on a frequent basis…that’s how it should be). But love itself is different. Love is more.

Love is talking someone through the darkest moments of their life. Letting them know they are not worthless. When they make a mistake, they don’t judge that person. Instead, they remind them that they are human. We are children of God.God died on the cross to protect us from our sins…he doesn’t expect us to be perfect. If he did he never would have made such a sacrifice.

The first time I really remember talking to Casey, really talking to him, was when I poured my heart out to him about my past. All of the mistakes I made. It was only a few weeks or a month after ending my first serious relationship. I was a bit of a mess. I felt completely and utterly worthless. Casey made me feel whole again. He gave me what I needed to pick up the pieces and carry on again. He loved me when I didn’t feel worthy of love.

Love is silly. It is stupid. It is finding joy in the slightest thing.

A text with a picture of a gnome you found in Florida? A picture of a cat? You making fun of me for my love of wallpaper paste (hummus)? Love.

Love is being with someone,even if you’re 1000+ miles away.

Staying up to talk to me at 5am when I’m on break at Walmart? Falling asleep under the same sky even if you can’t be there together. You don’t need to be.You can still feel that person cuddled up next to you. Distance doesn’t matter.

Love is caring more about someone else than yourself. Are they happy? Are they okay? When you’re sad…so am I.

Love is wanting what’s best for the other person more than yourself. It’s seeing the things that they cannot see and encouraging them to do what makes them the happiest…even when they’ve given up.

Love is a future.

I saw a future with Casey. I felt it. I really believed in it like no other.

I thought we’d travel the world together.

Love is exciting. Love has no boundaries.

Nothing was more thrilling than our talks about all of the places we wanted to see together. I never talked with anyone like that. It was amazing and It felt so real — I couldn’t imagine it *NOT* happening in the future.

Love is marriage. If you’re not going to marry the person you’re with…what’s the point? I just never understood that. I wanted to marry Casey so bad. He treated me better than any many I ever knew. He was the perfect gentleman and no one compares. I’ve tried so hard to move on and there’s just no one that comes remotely close to Casey Fraites. I can’t imagine marrying anyone else or seeing him marry someone else. I’d be devastated.

Love is between more than two people.

It’s not just about you and the person you’re with. It’s about your future…your future kids. Have you thought about giving them what they deserve? I thought Casey would make a great father. When I thought about kids with my ex boyfriends…I broke up. It was a horrifying thought. It would have been a huge mistake. I couldn’t bear to think of my children having a father like that. But with Casey…it was thrilling to think about. It felt perfect.

Love is a rollercoaster.

You have feelings for me. I date someone else. We get together. You cut me off. We reconnect. I cut you off.

Love is a never ending story.

We’re on the I cut you off part of the roller coaster…and I can’t help feeling this still isn’t the end.

I feel like I made a horrible mistake.

I’m only me when I’m with you.

I’ve done horrible things trying to get over you. I get so lost and stupid and lose sight of who I am.

And then I break down and realize there’s one thing I always come back to…one thing that never changes no matter how hard I try to change it or how many stupid things I do.

Casey Fraites…I love you.