I can’t do this anymore. That’s the most simple way to say it.
Tomorrow is 1 year. 1 year since I outright said “I love you.”
It was the most natural thing in the world. I never meant those three words more than I did 364 days ago.
I couldn’t stop gushing over you. “My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend my boyfriend my boyfriend.” It didn’t matter that we never met IRL yet. Or that you weren’t my boyfriend. You said you didn’t mind.
We made it official on April 1st. What a perfect symbol for our relationship! A joke. That’s all this ever was, right? Looks like the joke was on me…
They say that no one likes you when you’re 23. I should have known.
I met the love of my life the day I turned 23 and it was everything I had hoped it would be.
He thanked me by destroying me a month later. Leaving for no apparent reason — just completely disappearing from my life.
I can’t begin to explain how dark my days were at that point. I was devastated. I had built up a future for us.We talked quite a bit. I thought we’d travel the world together. Get married. Raise children. Live happily ever after.
It felt like a million swords were being individually stabbed in my heart. I wanted to die because as far as I could see, my future was shattered. I thought you were my future.
I prayed every day that you would come back to me. I could never hate you. Everyone around me? That’s another story. I was a mess. You destroyed me. I was so broken and reckless.
You did come back. NYE. How ironic. You sent me an email and I thought it was the answer I searched so desperately for for months. I thought we could start anew.
Everyone warned me about you. Was I really going to accept a lame apology on NYE of all nights? Is this how I wanted to bring in 2014, with the same pain and turmoil leftover from 2013? Forgiving the man who damn near traumatized me with heartbreak? For no apparent reason?
Yes. Yes it was.
Because I loved you.
Because I believed in you.
Because I thought this was it.
I wanted to marry you and start a family and have a future with you more than anything in the world. But sometimes, love is not enough.
I loved you and it doesn’t matter at all.
Because you don’t love me.
If you did, you never would have hurt me like this. And when you came back in my life? Way to not make an effort. Way to not try. Way to barely exist.
Maybe you never wanted any of that. In that case it’s fine, but why string me along? It’s no secret how I felt about you — it’s never been a secret. You’d have to be a complete idiot to not see my heart breaking when you disapeer completely for months at a time. When you blatantly ignore me.
It’s not that hard to give someone a litttleeee attention or to show a little care. I work full time usually 43+ hours a week and I’m always here for you. Anyone else would have been for me.
I understand patience is a virtue. The best things in life are worth waiting for.
I waited for you. I waited. And waited.And waited.
But now I’m done.
This is not the best thing for me.
We will never get married.
We will never have children together.
I don’t think I’ll ever see you again.
I deserve so much better and I know that better exists. I don’t think you’re who I thought you were. I don’t know who you are anymore.
But this is over. I can’t do this anymore.